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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to avoid my neighbour

15 replies

Nathansmommy1 · 09/03/2019 16:55

It's a long story but need to see what others would do in my situation.
So in November a woman started appearing at a neighbour's house, when I got out the car to walk to my house she would pop out of her house and make small time. Never met this woman before then and the man she is now living with has been there for over a year. She's 45.
Anyway the end of November we were at home on a Sunday afternoon and she knocked on the door, asked to see me and if I would look after her indoor cat in my house while she goes away for Xmas. I'm not a fan of animals in the house, have a 5 year old with autism and also expecting another baby but I felt put on the spot and couldn't say no so I said yes.
So the next few weeks before Xmas she had to bring the cat up to our house at the weekend to see if she liked it there, the cat even had sleepovers! When she came up to the house with the cat she would say things to my child like 'look at me when I'm talking to you' and 'sit still, stop jumping'. Tbh I don't think anyone should say this to a child with autism, esp in their own house.
Anyway I kept quiet and she went away for Xmas on the 23rd December, came back on the 11th January! Cat is gone back, left litter tray etc outside for her to collect them and she did.
But she still wants to call up and tell me about her holiday. I don't want to know about it and I don't want her in my house! I out of the house between 7 to 7 Monday to Friday and she would rush out of the house when she saw my car pull up saying she would call up one day and tell me about her holiday. Then one evening I was getting out the car, she came out and asked to call up that evening, I told her evenings don't suit, the weekend would be better. So Friday evening again she comes out and says when would be best over the weekend. I said Sunday morning would suit us and she agreed. Sunday morning came, I had dh there for moral support and she didn't turn up. 7.30 that evening she texted and asked if it was ok to call up then. I replied that I was getting ds ready for bed and then going to bed myself shortly after as dh is up at 4 in the morning and I'm up at 6. She already knows this though so dont know why she thinks It was a suitable time to call. For the next week I managed to avoid her and I thought she got the message and stopped bothering me. But this afternoon I was in bed because I haven't been sleeping well (now 6 months pregnant). I woke up to see a message from her saying 'I just left a voice mail for you while I was knocking at your door' and a second message 2 minutes after saying 'I knew you were home cos I saw the bathroom light on'. I haven't replied but I really think I am going to have to say something, wwyd in this situation? I hate confrontation but can't have her coming up to the house anymore.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/03/2019 17:00

I would just very firmly distance myself. No small talk, no visits, no responding to texts. If she pops over wanting to visit, very firmly say that you are busy and she can't come in. If she tries to make arrangements for a visit, tell her you already have other commitments and want to spend time with family. Just keep pushing her away. Hopefully she will soon get the hint.

2birds1stone · 09/03/2019 17:06

By the sounds of it she may have some form of learning difficulty (are we allowed to call it that now) or special need (if that's better??)

As above said just keep distancing yourself. Either that or make plans to move/put up a wall

icelollycraving · 09/03/2019 17:06

Tbh the first time she was snippy with my child in my home, she’d have got short shrift.
I’d reply and say you are home but you’re busy, you’re glad she had a good holiday but your life is very busy. When you’re on mat leave, good luck with her then! She isn’t worried about being rude so don’t be conditioned to be overly nice back.

OffToBedhampton · 09/03/2019 17:59

She sounds weird and intrusive. She makes you feel uncomfortable by how she talks to your child, so no you don't have to meet with her or listen to her.

You did her such a huge favour, please think about using the phrase "I'll think about it (/or /discuss it with my family), and let you know if we can help" if put in the spot for a favour that you feel pressured in in future. Then it's easier to send a text after a few hours saying "sorry can't do" after you've had time to think, rather than feel backed into a corner. Or even a text that says " I've discussed with my family and unfortunately we cannot help after all". Its also ok to say"no thankyou". I love cats but if we didn't have pets (& certainly not as we already do) I wouldn't have a stranger's cat in my house!! It stays in their house and you pop over to feed and check in it, if you want to help out. But 19 days weeks was a huge ask!! You're not a cat boarding service!! 😲

OffToBedhampton · 09/03/2019 18:01

I meant next time you agree to do something like that you regret /or are backed into corner, you can change your mind and say "sorry but we've discussed in our family and we can't help after all" phrase

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/03/2019 18:07

I’d ditch her. I couldn’t be doing with someone demanding to know why I hadn’t answered the door when my bathroom light was on. What if you’re having a dump?

OffToBedhampton · 09/03/2019 18:11

Sorry OP, you asked what to do now. So I think continuing to ignore her is the least confrontational route but maybe a text that says "sorry but we are busy and I need my early nights" and then just be too busy or too tired to talk when you see her ... Or say "can't stop, need to rest/cook/sort children out.." as you walk away...
Is that a helpful approach?

Boom45 · 09/03/2019 18:14

Nothing on earth would make me look after a cat. Even for a dying family member let alone some random woman who was rude to my son. Practice saying no to people (although i know that's hard) and if she does collar you again tell her you are busy and leave. You owe her nothing and if you're lucky she'll decide you're really rude and leave you alone.

brightspark2 · 09/03/2019 18:15

You’re going to have to tell her directly that you don’t want to socialise, you don’t feel comfortable around her and tell her to leave you alone.

Ghosting her is not only cowardly, it’s open to interpretation and drags the stressful situation out for you.

CalmdownJanet · 09/03/2019 18:44

I would say "How strange, that makes you sound like a stalker! I waited in last Sunday as agreed but you didn't show. We can agree another next Sunday at 10 for an hour if you will show this time but I'm not one for unannounced visitors so if you could please not do that again"

tor8181 · 09/03/2019 18:52

tell her straight you have a kid with special needs and are his carer and haven't time for her,also your pregnancy is taking its toll at the min and your very tired(even if your not)

your mistake was not telling her off and saying who do you think your talking to? when she started telling your child off in their own home

if you dont feel comfortable saying this face to face a text or a note through the door should do as if your going on maternity leave your going to have to nip this now as your going to have this all day with a newborn

spendthemoney · 09/03/2019 19:18

Ah this reminds me of when I was roped into looking after our old neighbours evil cats when they went away. It started off "just the weekend" and it turned into "we've got a 3week cruise booked and you need to give evil shit 1 eye drops everyday and evil shit 2 needs life saving tablets ramming down its throat". I did it once and, I tell you, after the third week of manhandling that stupid cat and prising it's jaws open I knew NEVER AGAIN.
The worst thing? They had those scent plug in things in every plug socket (you could smell Glade down the street). When they went they turned them all off. It took 2weeks for the smell to leave the house and then I could smell cat shit. Yep, the bastards had been doing it under the table on the carpet in a corner and I hadn't smelt it. It was some kind of protest as they had also been using the litter tray too.

Stand up for yourself now or kitty will be staying with you again!

burritofan · 09/03/2019 20:26

I think you have to have the confrontation, she sounds totally (or deliberately) oblivious and thus far you've given her either encouragement – looking after the cat, with visits and sleepovers prior; making arrangements for her to come round – or subtle hints.

Be clear and direct. You'll feel rude as anything but really, she's the rude one, and you'll sort this now – avoidance will only work for so long.

ScabbyHorse · 09/03/2019 20:41

Just say no.

Siriismyonlyfriend · 09/03/2019 20:46

Of course you can say no, who agrees to watch some randomers cat. Just say no, that doesn’t work for me and repeat until the message goes in . You are going to need to be firm and don’t worry about upsetting her.

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