Can abusive men ever change?

[Lamplight5]

In my late teens & early 20s I was in a relationship with a man for four years who thrived on coercive control. He was controlling and verbally abusive, but never got to full violence. I wonder sometimes if he would have, had I not left.

He came up in my recommended friends on Facebook yesterday and he's married with two kids. I looked at his wife & wondered if she is going through what he did to me, or whether it's possible for a man to change and be a different person in a different relationship. I hope for her sake it's the latter, but can a person ever really change?

I've also been single for ten years, I've never had a proper relationship since him, just flings. I actually posted a thread on mumsnet recently wondering why. After seeing him, I wonder if it's because I subconsciously don't want to end up with someone like him again.

I do hope you blocked him immediately, OP.

The last thing you need is for him to get back in contact and to find out he really is still the same arsehole he always was.

It didn't even occur to me to block him. I had a look at his profile through curiosity and that was it. I would be really surprised if he ever tried to get in touch, and I definitely would block him if he did try. It feels like it was a different person who was with him, not really me. I don't know what I could have been thinking.

If he's popped up as somebody you might know on your feed, it's guaranteed that you've popped up on his feed as exactly the same.

Easier to block first and not have the situation of him sounding really nice and not abusive.

He is married now, there is nothing to suggest he is going to add the op as a friend or message her. If he does then fair enough block, but otherwise theres not really a need.

Agreed Bobbycat. It's been ten years. He won't get in touch - the last thing a policeman with ambition would want is an ex he was abusive to to be back on the scene.

I think its possible especially if an addiction is the main driver, but would anyone wish to take such a risk?

My husband changed from an angry and anxiety ridden individual after going on SSRIs. He went on them at the point I had started to work out how/when to leave. I think he sensed that I wasn’t up for his poor behaviour any more and had closed off to him and it was that that prompted him to seek proper help.

He has been great for a few years now. I am very intolerant to any sign of his previous behaviour reappearing. He used to shout and rage and I would cower or hide back in the bad times. Very very occasionally he gets worked up and I stand up to him and he backs right down, right away. The dynamic has completely changed. I will walk very quickly if he reverts to how he was.

To be fair to him, he was obviously suffering from mental illness. He would kick off about things that gave him anxiety - like if we had to go out socially there would often be an outburst before we left the house. I ended up being able to spot a lot of the triggers and was trying to plan our lives to avoid them...bad times but there has honestly been a complete change for the better.

They can change. However, the important thing is not to count on it.

My ex was like that too. He has since gone on to marry someone else and I hope to God that he’s not doing the same to her. I wouldn’t bet on him having changed though, as he clearly didn’t see anything wrong in his behaviour when we were together, even when he admitted that his previous partners had called him controlling (like the naive love-struck idiot I was, I dismissed this as how could anyone as wonderful as him be controlling? I have since learned the hard way to listen when someone tells you what they’re really like).

I don’t know. Maybe I hope so. My ex was controlling, and physically abusive once which was when I left.

He has a new partner who is a friend of a friend. They seem happy. I wouldn’t know if she is subjected to any abuse but my ex contacted me around three years ago to apologise for his behaviour, although he didn’t really explain it. So he seems to know what he’s done wrong in the past.

We were young when together, broke up at 21. I sometimes wonder whether he hasn’t changed as much as grown up.

Of course he could be the same shit of a boy, but a fully grown man now.

I think if he was abusive to YOU he'll always revert to abusive behaviour with you because you are devalued to a person who accepted the abuse.

My xh has a new partner and she only lives with him half the week, she has a good job, they've no kids, she has a nice car. I lived with him and was financially dependent and had his kids and couldn't drive his car (I wasn't allowed). So he treats her differently and therefore some would believe that he has changed. I don't think so. He has just seen that even somebody he values as little as he valued me will eventually leave if they're treated like shit. And his current partner doesn't need him.

Interesting though that he chose a woman who doesn't need him. He could have been a predator and targeted a woman who did need him and it would have been easier to abuse her. So, conclusion, maybe they can move in the right direction but if an abusive man abused YOU, never go back because he will devalue you even MORE for forgiving him.