Am I expecting too much from husband?

[SAMlady]

I am under intense stress at the moment, my mum has been in hospital with stage 4 lymphoma for 9 weeks and Is desperately ill, I have a 19 month old that’s had a bad sleep patch, my work is hugely stressful and I’m struggling, I know I’m doing a bad job.

I got in from the hospital this evening and told my husband how hard it is for me and that I frequently feel suicidal but wouldn’t do anything because I love my daughter too much, couldn’t leave her.

After her bedtime I came down, I’d done dinner but husband hadn’t taken it out of oven, had put cricket on tv even though I’d asked for peace. As usual he’d settled in for his night of tv and expected his dinner to be prepared. In that moment I couldn’t take anymore and left the house in pjs and drove off. He didn’t notice for a good 25 mins.

I came back cos I wanted to go to bed to sleep

Wwyd?

I know I need to get signed off work ASAP

There is a looong history of selfish, angry and unkind behaviour from my husband. I don’t have the brain space to split from my husband but it seems inevitable. AIBU? Was the fact that my stress and mental health issues have to fit around his sport viewing too much to expect? Should he help more? Should he notice that I've walked out?

No, it doesn't sound like it.

Sounds like you already know what needs to happen long term. LTB.

You said it “selfish “unkind”. Whatever I mean whatever your circumstances if you need support and your dh ignores your needs he is s dickhead, selfish prick.
I’m sorry for the terrible time you are having, he should be falling over himself to support you and show you love and tenderness, I hope your Mum makes a speedy recovery.
You need to put yourself first especially because the charmer in your life isn’t. Go to doctor lovely, you need support.

Make plans to leave, he is not helping you physically. Emotionally, taking dinner out of the oven, so what the fuck is he good for?

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re dealing with so much at the moment and your H is being a selfish shit.

I’m sure people will suggest you talking to him about how you’re feeling, but as you already told him you’d be contemplating suicide if it weren’t for your DD and he STILL doesn’t appear to give a fuck, it sounds like you just need to disengage from him and take care of you and DD.

I’d tell him that as he’s so spectacularly self involved you won’t be giving him any more of your time or energy for the moment as you need it for yourself. Then live to all intents as a single person but without the stress of having to separate formerly.

Don’t cook his dinner, don’t wash his clothes, don’t ask how his day was or give him the time of day. Once your DD is in bed, treat yourself as you would someone you love. Run a nice bath, get yourself a good book and get into bed while he’s watching bloody sport. Just leave him to his own devices until you feel strong enough to kick the useless fucker out.

Do you have any other friends or family you can rely on for some emotional/practical support?

*formally

By the way you’re not doing a bad job.

Io be honest, that's sounds really really shit, but you know this already. You've way too much going at the moment, your mum is priority, work will feel less stressful in time when your mums issues are resolved and then you can tackle your relationship. Don't overload.

He is definately being incredibly unreasonable here. Over the weekend you can call your local mental health crisis team or Samaritans for out of hours support. (the number should be available online or through your local hospital switchboard) you can also call 111 or go into your local A&E and they will get you help.

If you don't physically have the head space to leave him physically then do it emotionally for now. Just look after yourself and your child and ignore his existence as much as possible, that's my advice. He sounds like a burden so kick him out of your cluttered head space, don't expect anything or provide anything. Perhaps if there's somewhere you could physically go (your mums?) then have that as a back burner idea. You need someone to look after you at this stressful time not someone to watch you fall and do nothing to help you get back up

I am so sorry do you have any other support?

Men with no empathy do not deserve a woman like you.
It’s the toughest tomes in your life you realise these things though. You’ll get to the stage where you know you would be better off without him.
Difficult tomes
Can be horrendous, but somehow they are made so much more draining, and feel so much more lonely, when you are with a man that cannot provide you with the most essential, basic, and free things that should be the absolute minimum in a relationship. Love, care, empathy and emotional support.
You’ll look back on this time in a few years and realise you made the right decision to LTB, if you do, indeed LTB.

Thank you for kind words and thoughts. It really helps.

See your gp asap. Just distance yourself from him, now may not be the right time to split, but you can move towards it. Anyone can read him the riot act? Take care of yourself,mum and dc. Any support with your mum, carers group, pals or support worker at hospital? take some special leave from work and let him paddle his own canoe. Sorry for your trouble. Samaritans are there 24/7.

And yes, I picked up on the “I’m doing a bad job” bit too. You are doing your best in really tricky circumstances, be kind to yourself. Anyone would be struggling in your shoes. Can you speak to someone at work about lightening your load while your mum needs you?

You don't sound like you're doing a bad job OP. YOu're hanging on in really difficult circumstances and your lazy arse of a husband is doing nothing to help. Bloody hell I'd do more to help a random neighbour in your circumstances than he's doing.I would stop cooking his dinner for a start.

Thank you, going to see GP. Do you think/know if they'd prescribe anything, just out of interest?

Work been very good and will take some time off.

You have my every sympathy. I actually knew I needed to split from my first husband the night my mother died, his reaction was not caring in the slightest...I was in shock so tried to not be drastic - but 6 weeks later I left. It truly was the best thing I ever did, I had never admitted to myself how unequal the relationship was, how selfish he was, but with both parents gone I knew that life truly is too short for wasting our love on those who don’t value it.
Please go to gp, be honest with them about your feelings, then focus on your mother, daughter and self.

If you don't physically have the head space to leave him physically then do it emotionally for now.

This. Don't actively avoid doing things for him just don't actively choose to do anything. He can plate up his own food etc.

You are doing an amazing job. Stop beating yourself up. Prioritse ruthlessly. And yes, see your GP.

I agree with others. Get through this stressful time by cutting down everything that can be cut down including work. Dont do anything for your DH that he can do for himself. 'Bubble up' and get through and when the waters are calmer kick the no good waste of space into touch.

Your GP might prescribe medication of some kind. They do take a few weeks to kick in though, so see your GP as soon as you can.

Could you and DD stay at your mum's while she's in hospital? You'd get some space away from him, and he'll have to fend for himself. If you don't want the TV on, you don't have to put up with him having it on.

If you can't, then disengage from him mentally. Don't do his washing, etc, think of him as just being a housemate, until you can leave him.

Sorry to hear about your mum.