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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Talk to someone if you’re depressed...

21 replies

NotSoSuperz · 08/03/2019 20:05

I’ve tried and people are too busy with their own lives. ‘I’m lonely and feeling shit, can you come over or chat on the phone?’ ‘I’m just in the door... not even had dinner yet... sorry going to visit my gran tonight...’. Everyone has a life, even if these excuses are true, why not say ‘how about tomorrow’ or ‘genuinely pushed for time but a quick 10 minute chat?’
Do people just roll out this shit so they can absolve the guilt when someone commits suicide?

OP posts:
youngfarmer · 08/03/2019 20:10
Flowers I've been there, it's truly shit. To be fair I had mixed responses, some people I think got embarrassed and didn't know how to handle it so backed off, others were fab and just took me as I was at the time, tears, snot, the lot.
Highlandspring1991 · 08/03/2019 20:12

Honestly I get you 10000%!!! Felt shit all week, everyone’s too busy to talk. Tried to get a docs appointment to help as had a severe panic attack on Monday and they couldn’t fit me in till next week. All this ‘we need to make mental health a priority’, but no ones actually there when you need them!

HarrysOwl · 08/03/2019 20:13

I think a lot of people are understandably busy and low on energy dealing with work/family commitments and spending time with friends can sadly slip down the priority list.

I'm sure if anyone recieved a message from a friend saying that they were in crisis and felt suicidal, they'd do as much as they could to help, though.

Have you been diagnosed with depression, OP? What other support do you have at the moment?

youngfarmer · 08/03/2019 20:16

Do you have family who you can talk to?

NotSoSuperz · 08/03/2019 20:17

Appreciate and agree with the 3 responses so far. My point is, I’m not in crisis. I thought the point of this campaign was to stop people from getting to crisis point? Maybe it’s just to save them when they do, if they can reach out, which mostly they probably can’t? I’ve been diagnosed with depression, I’m medicated, I’m no longer depressed, at the moment. I’m a single parent, I’m stressed with work and I’m trying to avoid depression by reaching out and nobody gives a fuck.

OP posts:
Shookethtothecore · 08/03/2019 20:19

I find springing things on people often ha the response, but what about trying to arrange something for a few days time. A coffee or a get together. Even a phone call catch up. I find having something to look forward to positive

youngfarmer · 08/03/2019 20:23

I think it's the same old story, lots of words and publicity surrounding 'initiatives' and campaigns, but when it comes down to putting words into actions there's limited budgets, staffing and general resources.

youngfarmer · 08/03/2019 20:24

I think people/friends do give a fuck, but who know how many are struggling with their own shit too and find it hard to reach out and make time to give somebody else support

keepingbees · 08/03/2019 20:26

I get what you're saying. I have depression and anxiety and I have no one. All this campaigning for mental health awareness is great, but I don't see anything actually being done.
I appear to be one of life's listeners, everyone says I'm easy to talk to and I spend a lot of time listening to everyone else (which I'm happy to) But I cant think of one person I could talk to. No family, friends, anyone. No one listens when I do talk.
I would be there for anyone if they needed me.

AmphetamineGazelle · 08/03/2019 20:27

Been where you are and I have found most people don't want to know or are initially supportive then back off.
The people who post those 'talk to me' depression/suicide posts are worst.

However, OP, you have mumsnet and there are loads of us here going through it or have come the other side. Talk here.

In the cold light of day, I understand now that people have their own problems and multitudes of plates to spin. The way that the world works today is that everyone seems to be chasing their tail too much to help anyone irl.

Boulshired · 08/03/2019 20:30

I do think that a scary reality is that a number of friends/family will also have their own mental health conditions or dealing with loved ones. I know right now I have trouble finding the time for those ill in my family that I have nothing left. I would probably need to be told how unwell a friend was to know I needed to find the time.

HarrysOwl · 08/03/2019 20:34

Maybe if you approach it differently? Try texting friends: "It'd be great to catch up, are you free for a half hour chat?" Rather than "I'm lonely and feeling shit, can you come over?".

I know you're reaching out and it would be ideal if we all had limitless energy for support, but the truth is (even as someone with MH issues myself) after a busy day I might feel more up for a quick chat framed like that, rather than risk being completely drained of my own resources by a friend that is feeling down too- I hope that makes sense.

Boulshired · 08/03/2019 20:37

I also find you sometimes you do not know how strong friendships are until you need them. I have been let down by those who I believed I was really close to and have found major support from people who I would have viewed as nothing more than acquaintances.

youngfarmer · 08/03/2019 20:38

Maybe if you approach it differently? Try texting friends: "It'd be great to catch up, are you free for a half hour chat?" Rather than "I'm lonely and feeling shit, can you come over?".

I found that this approach worked well for me

stepup123 · 08/03/2019 20:49

I get what you're saying OP, I've felt really down these last couple of days. Lots of confounding factors. Everyone is so busy with their own lives I didn't want to bother anyone.

HarrysOwl · 08/03/2019 20:49

I found that this approach worked well for me.

It can make a huge difference! I found if I made an effort to remember what was going on with them (like "how was your DC after their exams?" Or "How's that big project at work going?" It would start a natural conversation, and I'd feel more connected - without the need to say I was feeling low. I found friends were in touch more & showed much more reciprocal interest too.

disneyspendingmoney · 08/03/2019 20:57

After a lot of therapy to help with depression and anxiety, I've learned the technique of "passing the time of day" with people. Today I received chatted with someone behind the till at Tesco's. The lollipop lady at school, a pensioner at a bus stop.And two two blokes who wanted to know where the train station is.

I do t know any if these people at all.

I start with a simple hello, how are you? Busy day?

what happens next, is that they will tell you how they are and often ask you in return ( if they don't let it be, there are other places and times to interact).

Think if things that you might have in common like;

Have you lived here long?

Traditional British question This weather is...?

And so on just strike up a conversation.

I do understand how it can be so terribly lonley, I have been there. I was once in a very deep dark place, with done dark thoughts and a dog walker who said a simple "it's a lovely day today" brought me out if what I was thinking if doing.

If you need someone to talk to pretty quickly because thing are down, go for the Samaritans 116123, I use them frequently.

At the very least give them a try, even if you feel it's the most trivial thing, they will take a but if time to just chat.

PtahNeith · 08/03/2019 21:18

Do people just roll out this shit so they can absolve the guilt when someone commits suicide?

Basically. Also "awareness campaigns" are a cheap way of appearing to do something without really doing anything.

Being connected in a general sense like some pp have described has value, but having to pretend to be fine all the time as the only way to have that connection can be damaging. Which is kinda the point of the various "just talk to someone" style campaigns - they are meant to be about how you actually feel, not putting on the jazzy socially acceptable pretence of being a-ok.

NotSoSuperz · 08/03/2019 21:34

Agree with the posts. Seems many are in the same situation. PM me and we can chat and be there for each other?

OP posts:
HarrysOwl · 08/03/2019 21:39

having to pretend to be fine all the time as the only way to have that connection can be damaging

That's why it's important to have other support too, like a therapist or trusted family member to confide in. But putting all the responsibility onto friends to feel better is unrealistic, sadly. I'm not saying anyone should fake being fine, just that putting a slightly more positive slant on communication can really help.

youngfarmer · 08/03/2019 21:49

@NotSoSuperz pm'd you

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