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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH wanting to go on night out with his mates while I look after our DC and it's my bday weekend - AIBU?

48 replies

Iveprobablybeenunreasonable · 08/03/2019 16:01

Am seriously peed off... it's my bday tomorrow. Only 31 so not a big one.
DH has said he is going to watch the football Sunday... okay I thought. It's not my bday Sunday. Means I'll be with the kids all day alone again as I am every day (almost at the end of mat leave).
Today he's text saying his 4 mates have arranged an impromptu night out tonight and as it's not my bday today he's going to go out... so yet again another night sat in the house alone...
AIBU to be hugely fucked off or am I being a princess.
I haven't asked for anything for my bday, just kind of assumed DH may want to have a nice weekend with us. Feeling sorry for myself!

OP posts:

Princessmushroom · 08/03/2019 16:58

I’m of the belief that birthdays are really big deals so I would be a princess and be annoyed about it.

BackforGood · 08/03/2019 17:00

Unless it's something special (not just a night at the pub with friends or Sunday football), it's unreasonable for anyone who is a parent to be out two nights in a weekend for fun

Why ?
Sometimes, it just happens that 2 things come together. It is sods law. Happens a lot in life - you don't go out for ages then 2 or 3 things come altogether (well, does in my life). OP hasn't said that her dh is always out night after night - she's said he is going to football on Sunday and then there is something arranged for tonight. For all we know it could be the "wait ages for a bus then 3 come together" scenario.

Separately if OP doesn't like to sit in at home, then OP needs to arrange some nights out - with mates, or with her dh alone, or with another couple, or whatever - have a look what is on at the theatre or concert hall or local gigs in pubs or the pictures, or book a babysitter and a meal together with dh or just drinks at the pub with her own mates. Whatever suits. If she had something already booked, then her dh would have had to turn down tonight's impromptu invitation, but there was nothing on the calendar.

Springwalk · 08/03/2019 17:00

Op unless you have high expectations and are vocal about them, and direct you will forever feel disappointed. You deserve nice birthdays! So don’t sit and fume. Tell him precisely what you expect.

PiebaldHamster · 08/03/2019 17:03

Jesus, stop being such a martyr and 'hoping'. He's a selfish twat. I'd have told him not to bother coming back the whole weekend since all he wants to do is get pissed with his fucking mates. He doesn't give a shit about you all. There's no excuse for that at all. Why stand for that? 'I'm going out'. 'Yeah, you go ahead and do that and stay out because I'm fucking sick of you being such a selfish wanker and treating us like an inconvenience. I need some space to think about what I need to do because this shit with how you treat us is NOT working.'

ideasofmarch · 08/03/2019 17:09

I'm going to go against the grain here. He will still be grieving for his father if it was only 11 months ago. A lot of men find it very difficult to come to terms with bereavement, and can't talk about it - they bottle it all up. Give him some slack.

UnspiritualHome · 08/03/2019 17:09

His grieving seems a little selective in that it doesn't stop him playing rugby and going out with his mates. You need a serious question about the necessity for him to step up as a parent if he wants a continued part in his child's life and indeed yours.

crosspelican · 08/03/2019 17:12

Just say out straight -

I don't mind you going out on Friday, although I'm bored and lonely and was hoping you'd be in, but don't be too hungover for whatever you have planned for my birthday on Saturday! Have you sorted a babysitter or shall I (if we need one)? I'm looking forward to getting away from the kids for a few hours, to be honest, and having some time on our own.

cuppycakey · 08/03/2019 17:14

You do appear to be a bit of a martyr OP.

Tell him you have arranged shopping and lunch with friends on Saturday so he will have to be able to cope with DC from 8am.

Ask him who he has arranged to look after DC tomorrow night and where he is taking you.

Long term, I agree with Unspiritual this looks like selective grieving.

PiebaldHamster · 08/03/2019 17:15

Exactly, Unspirited. DH's father died suddenly last November. Amazingly he's not used it as an excuse to be a tosser to his family and put going out with mates and personal pursuits first because he's an adult who chose to marry and have a family.

Mitzimaybe · 08/03/2019 17:15

I would be upset mainly at being told that's what he's doing, rather than being asked. I would respond with "Really? You're going out without me the day before and the day after my birthday? You'd better have something impressive planned for the day itself."

CatToddlerUprising · 08/03/2019 17:16

I would have no problem with him going out tonight but I would tell him he has to be up with the kids as you’re going out for the day. Then go out for a few hours at the crack of dawn

Oakenbeach · 08/03/2019 17:19

Can’t you ask him what he’s got planned for your birthday? I’d be furious if he’d done nothing and expected you to arrange a meal out! That would be far worse for me than going out with his mates twice over a weekend (which I wouldn’t be thrilled about).

ILiveInSalemsLot · 08/03/2019 17:22

I’d have no problem with this and say something along the lines of - that’s fine but don’t forget my birthday tomorrow! Would be nice if we could do something then.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 08/03/2019 17:22

“Why of course you’re allowed a night out darling but won’t three days of hijinks on the trot knacker you out a bit?”

That’s when you find out if a shred of consideration has been given to your birthday.

Ps: I’d be peed off too as I’m guessing if you had an impromptu night out PLUS a jolly afternoon planned from Sunday and expecting him to be in charge in your absence it’d go down like a sack of shit, right?

kingfisherblue33 · 08/03/2019 17:33

Right, so what have you actually SAID to your dh? Does he know you're not happy with this? How often do you go out, and him? He's not a mind reader, is he?

Just seen he's grieving. Does this take the form of him actually being sad, or just going out a lot and getting pissed? Was he close to his dad?

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 08/03/2019 17:33

Good Grief. Absolutely don’t tell him you’re bored and lonely.

Ask him if he’s made plans to take you out for birthday. When he says no say, great he can watch the kids whilst you go out with friends. When he backtracks and says he thought you’d stay in and have dinner and wine ( cooked by you or take away obviously) say “ lovely we can do that Sunday night”.

You really need to get your own social life organised outside of the marriage. He’ll respect you more.

Springwalk · 08/03/2019 17:33

Op I always plan my own birthday - I give dh a full list of ideas for gifts. I make sure I have a lovely day planned so no disappointment.
My dh really isn’t into birthdays, never has been, so I needed to educate him with respect. Some people are great at birthdays, others not, but sit there pining to feel special.
Book it all yourself - timetable the best day ever - then inform him he will be paying for it, faciliting the dc and driving as this will involve at least a few glasses of your favourite tipple.
It is not 1920 go and get the life and birthdays you want!

TacoLover · 08/03/2019 17:36

You are annoyed because your partner is going out on two days that aren't even your birthday, and you didn't even have any plans anyway?

NannyRed · 08/03/2019 17:37

Get arranging time out with your friends now! Even if it’s just one quick lunchtime drink on your actual birthday. Tell him he is looking after his children and go and have fun.

Hopefully whilst you’re out he will book a table for dinner and organise a babysitter or even better, an overnight stay at one of the grandparents.

Froghead360 · 08/03/2019 17:42

When I first read your post I thought he is definitely planning a surprise for you and wants you to get annoyed before he springs a lovely romantic weekend. As you are nearing the end of maternity leave then it sounds like a special birthday and he will be planning something nice.
If he is truly going out with his mates and nothing really special planned for you, then you need to ditch him.

Stargazer888 · 08/03/2019 17:49

Yes, bu all means divorce the father of your children for not planning anything on your birthday while your youngest is still a baby. Who are you people?? Tell your dh what you want. I'm stunned how lightly marriage is taken these day. Sometimes people are selfish and have their heads up their asses. That's why marriage is hard work. We all overlook things in our spouses in order to remain married This is not divorce worthy.

BackforGood · 08/03/2019 22:47

Really Froghead ??

You think a person should divorce their husband because he's accepted an invitation to go out with friends on a night when there was nothing planned / in the diary ?

You must live in a very strange world.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 08/03/2019 23:49

He’s obviously upset by the death otherwise you wouldn’t mention it. Lighten the load for him by being one less thing for him to worry about. If you are married you have many many years ahead without children being the “test” of the relationship. You need to find your own way without depending on him. Not saying leave him but have a life outside of the relationship.

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