Friendship or Emotional Affair?

[anmafe]

After a lot of reading and soul searching I think I'm in an emotional affair. A long distance one to boot. My DH and I have been married for 25+ years but have been having communication issues, well, since forever and a day. I repeatedly ask him to come with me to get help but he refuses. Last year I found and reconnected with a childhood friend who I had a crush on. Over a year’s time I think I fell in love with him but I’m thinking this is more of an EA. He and I have been living parallel lives. That is, we are both living with spouses we are no longer in love with. To boot, this is his second marriage to her. She left him the first time. And he admits to remarrying her because he wanted to make a good home for their son. He admits they both agreed that they’d split after the son turned 18. The son is now 21 but she has cancer and is is in remission. She’s hooked on pain meds. Their communication is worse than mine with DH. He admits to staying because he’s made commitments and he doesn’t want to be THAT guy that leaves a wife with Cancer. I thought I was in love with him and told him a few weeks ago but he said he didn’t know how to answer that except to say he was very flattered. That brought up a big red flag because up to that point and even now he acts like and says things indicating he’s in love with me. So I started reading about EA but I thought this was a friendship. I don't know what to do

You can’t have an unreciprocated affair. I suggest you stop now before it goes too far.

This can only end in pain. He’s not available, and neither are you. Everyone wants to be loved, but this situation isn’t conducive to long term happiness. Sort things out with your husband, or leave and look elsewhere. And actually if your husband refuses to work on the marriage you might be better off leaving.

What are you doing. He's got a wife at home with cancer and you're there hoping he'll leave her?

Leave your husband. But dont bank on him leaving his wife. He may not love her but he is attached to her and men find it much harder to leave until they are pushed because they generally compartmentalise more than we do and have a much stronger sense of perceived investment emotionally and monetary, in a relationship. Think of it like this...

In your mind this is an open book, the pages flip back and forth and you skip in and out of chapters. In his mind... It's a filing cabinet. He takes the boxes out as and when he needs to and the moment he's back in his real world - he puts 'your' box back in, that's it, it's closed until the next time he needs to access it.

Excellent analogy ^^

OP, if your marriage is over, it’s time to leave regardless of your friendship/EA. Dealing with the marriage first then opens you up for other, real and meaningful relationships.

If you’ve told him you love him, you are most definitely cheating emotionally on your husband. 100%.

He didn’t say it back though. Maybe he doesn’t love you. Maybe he wants to do the right thing by his sick wife. Maybe both.

Either way, you need to grow a pair and decide what you want to do about your own marriage, for yours and your husband’s sake. This isn’t decent behaviour. You know this.