This is not the best plan to get DSS on-side

[whatdoyouwantfromme]

In brief DSS has distanced his self from me and DH. He is starting to see DH, but for short periods on his terms. DH is getting sick of it and wants to break the cycle.
Asked DSS if he wants to go to parkrun on sat, DSS said no (DH thinks it's because I'll be there)
So DH sends me a txt, today - fancy bowling sat with DSS and I. I immediately reply, yes can't wait, thinking maybe DSS is coming around. Get home and turns out that DSS thinks he's going bowling with his Dad - no mention of me, I asked what had caused the 360 etc. DH said, I'm sick of being dictated to. We are spending the day together, he'll need to get on with, it's not like he can cause a scene in public.
AIBU to think this ambush will back fire in spectacular fashion and want no part ......or does DH has the right approach?
(teen DSS)

I've read loads

Also no one is saying YOU were an OW or the majority are

I'm saying you cant take that at face value from some words on a page under a made up name on a forum that takes a deeply dim view of OW

The whole point of this website is for people to connect with others who can offer help/advice

Yes, I know thank you. People have offended the op help and advice several times over. Yet a few days later they’re asking the same thing again, with the same vagueness about the son/ex.

They’ve posted before that the son has behaviour problems, but haven’t really elaborated, the ex doesn’t like her and is a bit mad, again no elaboration, and her husband is ineffectual and unsupportive. Along with being very focused on IVF, which I imagine is incredibly difficult, and having extra effects on the whole situation. However, all this information is lost as the op starts another thread not given the information given before, so it all starts from the start again.

I'm saying you cant take that at face value from some words on a page under a made up name on a forum that takes a deeply dim view of OW

you cant take any of it at face value then can you, no reason to assume anyone is lying about being an OW.

on a forum that takes a deeply dim view of OW

its also odd how they don't take a deeply dim view of the husbands that did the actual cheating though isn't it.

Well exactly you can't !

That's how you get so many people duped by trolls!

i don't think that means you can assume people are the OW when they're saying they're not.

if you're going to read a thread and deem it bollocks on that one fact there's really no point in even looking at a forum like this is there.

I'm not saying I always deem it bollocks

I'm saying always pinch of salt, every thread

ok, although im not sure that needing mentioning specifically on this thread, or you needed to mention that SM's deny being OW on here.

i think you saying that actually says a lot more about your view of SMs on this forum than it does of the SMs who post.

You clearly assume that most of the time SM's must be the OW.

I appear to have trod on a nerve, but I see no reason to keep replying to someone determined to find valid and reasonable points objectionable. This is not the OPs AIBU anyway so Adios.

well i wasn't the OW, not that you believe me, i just hate the fact on this forum that you assume a SM is lying just because she's a step mum. Its actually really awful, and judgemental and makes you look like a prick tbh.

Your points were neither reasonable or valid regarding OW.

BartonHollow I agree. And it's always the 'bitter' ex wife who's at fault.

My son's are in the exact same position as the OPs stepson. They don't want to see their dad's wife because they can't stand her. It's got to the stage now that they hardly see their dad because he gets grief from her if she isn't included.

He told my oldest (16yr) that he would love to see him but if he did if wife wouldn't be happy and he 'couldn't deal' with how she'd be.

The reasons they don't like her is because of things she'd said and done while they've been with their dad and her. Absolutely nothing to do with me but, guess what, I'm the scapegoat.

its not always the ex wife jane and clearly in your situation, it's not you.

Sometimes it really is the ex wife being a twat, and that's another thing that's entirely disregarded on here because ex wives are obviously always completely innocent.

In real life, sometimes the ex wife is to blame, sometimes the step mum, sometimes the dad. All manner of things happen in relationships, the bitter ex wife isn't a cliché for no reason.

Your husband needs to work on his emotional intelligence, he sounds like a dick.

Bit unfair to refer to a teen DC when it sounds like he’s 12. Pre/young teen is massively different to a 15yo, despite it being a few short years.

This boy has limited time with his dad, yet his dad can’t even be bothered to put him first for that short time.

My 11yo adores her SD (and her SM as it happens). We’ve lived together with her for 5 years now. But when she’s been away from me for a week on holiday with dad, my husband voluntarily says “I’ll make myself scarce today - you guys need time together”.

Even without all the difficulty around spilt and adapting - the boy is actually allowed not to like you.

Your instinct is right, don’t go - and tell your husband if he can’t see he’s being a dick by himself, he should consider a counsellor.

I applaud your DH for wanting to tackle this. Whilst his son has ecrry right to continue to have a close relationship with his Dad, including plenty, even majority of one to one time, the son cannot whitewash and make his Dad exclude you every time. This could be set in stone.

Of course, how far into the relationship, how long etc are important.

It’s really a question of balance. On this occasion, I would suggest meeting them for an hour for a bite to eat, then letting them have the rest of the day. So that way you are expecting acknowledgement from DSS, but are also making him feel that you get his need for one to one time.

Not quite a teen is VERY young. I have an 11 year old...she's very, very clingy in some ways. Give your step son space with his Dad.

The thing is you and his dad aren’t a package deal.
You are a step parent and your DH is his dad.

You don’t have any rights to a relationship with his DC. The DC has a step mother through marriage. That doesn’t actually mean you have to be anything to him. You are his dads new wife your DH picked you to have a life with but that doesn’t mean your DSC has to put up and shut up.

There could be numerous reasons DSC doesn’t like you and most of them aren’t actually your fault just being his step mother and his dads new wife is enough.

In a ideal world the Ex and DSC’s dad would rally together and try to make the child feel more comfortable with the idea of a Step parent. The father would spend loads of quality time alone with his DC to prove he isn’t being replaced by a new improved family and the father and ex would try to slowly pave the way for a better relationship with his step parent (you) but in the end you might not be able to have a relationship with him.

This is the chance you take when you enter into a relationship with a man that has children previously. You may have to let him have a relationship with his DC that doesn’t involve you.

Family therapy may help but it will be very difficult to get DSC to agree if your relationship is already in tatters.
Really your DH should’ve dealt with this whole situation better to begin with (and certainly have sorted some family therapy before the problems started)

I honestly think you need to sort the problem with your DH before you even think of tackling the DSC situation.

I agree with you - it's a bad plan and it could spectacularly backfire.
Your DH should not try to force this - never mind being dictated to, his son has feelings and they shouldn't be ridden roughshod over, however irritating it is to your DH.

I'm sad for you that your DSS isn't keen on you and sounds like there may be a lot of learnt negativity from his mother; but his feelings are still not to be ignored.

I hope he comes round.

My dad tries to force me to see his new wife all the time. When I do get to spend time with him he just spends it trying to pressurise me into spending time with them together. I don't want to see my dad all over someone and I miss actually spending time with him where I felt like he was wanting to actually see me, rather than him just banging on about his new wife. I'm 31, live over a hundred miles away, and I'm quite happy about my parents breaking up as they hated each other and were miserable, I'd imagine he is probably finding it much harder than me at his age and living with his mum.

Maybe he just wants to spend time with his dad and feel like his son again. Maybe he isn't dealing with this all as fast as you both are because his world has fallen apart, and being pushed into accepting you to before he is ready isn't helping.

Under no circumstances should he be ambushed, it's not going to help, it'll only force him and his dad apart as he will lose trust. If that was done to me even at my age where I can get in my car and leave it would do huge damage to my trust in him, let alone to a young pre-teen with no means of escape. I think your partner needs to give him more time and a bit more respect in that sense.

I forgot to mention, it must be very hard being in your position. For me, I don't like the woman as my dad was having an affair with her 15+ years and is still lying to me about it. This clearly isn't the case with you, but kids will blame the new person for a while so the effect will be the same. Don't worry, he is grieving the loss of his home as he knew it, and his family unit. It is no reflection on you as a person whatsoever.

Give him plenty of time and space if he requires it. He needs to mourn the relationship in his own way, his world has fallen apart in a way. He will come around eventually, but both parents need to be clear that it was not you who caused the end, and emphasize that your make your partner very happy and he only wants to share that with DS, but at his own timeframe.

I think you both need to respect your stepson’s wishes. Let him have one on one time with his dad, let them rebuild that relationship, then perhaps he’ll be ready to accept you. If his dad tries to force the issue, and make it into a power struggle, it will only make things worse. I’m not saying it’s easy for you, but you’re an adult, and in this situation by your own choice; he’s a child, and it’s all out of his control. You both need to have a bit more sympathy for him.

OP why on earth do you need to go bowling with them? Let them build a decent relationship. You aren't his mother - can't they have a bit of time just them?

The teen years are very tricky and you have to pick your battles.

OP why on earth do you need to go bowling with them? Let them build a decent relationship. You aren't his mother - can't they have a bit of time just them?

ops point is that she doesn't think this is the right thing to do... she thinks it will backfire and is a bad idea (and I agree!) your comment would be better directed at her husband!

OP you’ve given not a lot of information. How long have you been together? That’s quite important. However you are married. That is a long term commitment.

I don’t understand all the posts saying that this boy should be allowed to dictate terms of seeing his Dad, completely ostracizing you in the process. You are his Dads wife. You will be in his life possibly for the rest of his Dads life.

At the moment you’ve pointed to massive feelings of resentment towards you from the boy. Most of them you say are untrue. You are being scapegoated as the cause of his parents not being together.

The boy is young, so not a teen. On one hand that means he deserves a lot of slack, he’s a child, he’s confused and loyal to his mother. None of these things are his fault.

On the other hand, he’s unlikely to be able to overcome even partly his resentments and could well refuse to see his Dad as a teenager, and feel angry to his Dad for a long time. As a teenager he will need as much positive parenting as he can get.

So I think that there has to be some challenges to this boy, for the boys sake as much as anyone else’s. Yet it is crucial this is in a way he can cope with. If he isn’t challenged, he will retain his anger (unhealthy for him), will be confused as to the man he grows into himself, and feel loyal to his mother to the point that he takes on protection of her, by taking out her anger through him.

On the other hand the priority is that he has a very solid relationship with his Dad. Lots of consistent, loving, parental contact. It could also massively help if his Dad did everything he could to make a relationship with his Ex better, so the child didn’t feel so conflicted.

I wonder whether a good counselor, someone neutral that the boy can confide in, would help?

And seeing SM even just once a month, for a meal, where he has to at least be polite, will help the boy to diffuse his misplaced feelings of anger and see that the OP is just a person. Not a monster. This is important as cutting her totally out will result in a life long barrier that cannot be broken down, which will affect his relationship with his Dad. And he needs his Dad.

I’m partly saying this as my DP allowed his daughters to ignore, ostracise and blame me over the years, and it’s resulted in them never visiting our house, and not bothering about our child and half brother, and excluding their step brother. DP never tackled them, or expected them to just acknowledge me. He enabled it. It’s caused lots of problems and most of them now are between DP and his daughters. Their relationship isn’t great. Despite DP doing everything they wanted, he takes them out everywhere, he gets them meals, cinema, sees them daily as he gives them lifts. However, because they refuse to acknowledge that he has a life with a partner, they have lost a genuine relationship. All around. Sad really.

I'm not trying to force myself on DSS, I have allowed them weeks and weeks of one on one contact. This was DH's idea to break the pattern, not mine. I don't want a shit show but understand DH feels frustrated that DSS has blocked me out and until (him and his mother) get over that hurdle we can't move forward.
Yes I've posted about this lots, I didn't realise it was one problem one post forum. This is having a huge impact on my life, it helps to write it down, understand different view points. Yes it might seem like I'm going on about the same stuff, but that's the reality. Everyone week DH is being demanded and dictated to, that has a tumble down effect. All this heighten by an extremely stressful period of time in our life.
I'm not ignoring everyone's advice, the majority vote has been let DSS do what he wants which I have done, with respect for over 6 months.
However when DSS/mother is complaining that I haven't reached out to DSS i'm getting a conflicting view point that DSS wants a relationship with me. I stepped back as I was told to by DSS and his mum, but not I am being berated for not trying to build a relationship. I feel like I can't win.
I believe most of the behaviour is in an effort to drive a wedge between DH and I. Which won't work, however that still makes it stressful. Apologies if I have upset anyone by asking for help or advice.