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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make an effort during playdates and sleepovers?

26 replies

HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 06/03/2019 22:37

When I was growing up, I couldn't have friends over as I was a carer for my mum who was mentally ill and she couldn't cope with strangers in the house. On the rare occasion I went to someone else's house, I used to dread the food bits as I was really fussy.

I think both of these factors have influenced the way we do playdates/sleepovers in our house. My 5 year olds best friend loves arts and crafts so when she comes over, I usually have a craft set out for them. My 11 year old and her friends love baking, so I usually get ingredients in so they can make dessert. If a friend is sleeping over, we'll usually order in dessert or go out for breakfast. I give friends the choice of around four meals so they can pick what they'd like to eat. I thought all of this was fairly standard behaviour for playdates/sleepovers but my friend said today that she just uses them as an opportunity for a break from her DC and that the guest can like or lump whatever they're eating.

I don't encroach on the DCs time with their friends; the stuff is there to use if they want and I wouldn't be offended if not but they do always use it and say they've enjoyed themselves and want to come back. Am I being OTT or do you make a bit of an effort too?

OP posts:

shitholiday2018 · 06/03/2019 22:40

No, I don’t make an effort at all. I love having other kids over and see it as time for the children to play independently with their friends. I’m not a restaurant either, you eat what I cook or you don’t eat! I can see why you are making an effort - to make up for what you didn’t have - but it feels like overkill. But as long as you guys are happy, why do you care what anyone else thinks?

Gintonic · 06/03/2019 22:44

I wouldn't expect a host to make that much effort, but it's nice that you do. So yanbu! I always try and find out what the kids like to eat as I don't think it is fair to expect them to eat our usual stuff when they probably eat differently at home. I usually offer a nice dessert. Sometimes I get out a special toy or a tivity, other times I just leave them to it.

EmeraldShamrock · 06/03/2019 22:48

I do this OP. My childhood was a bit tough with my DM, she is lovely but always depressed, my home wasn't tidy, it didn't have treats, I loved going to a pals home I was always surprised it was clean, their DM was dressed.
I always put tbe effort with my DC playmates, they play independent but I supply the tools, art, slime, baking. I want my DC to remember a happy home, friends were welcome, some DMs think I am a push over I don't give a shit, people find pride in different things.

pizzabadger · 06/03/2019 22:48

Surely it's just being a good host?
You'd go to the effort to make sure adult guests had food they liked and were entertained so why wouldn't you do the same for children you have invited over.

Plus ime bored hungry children are rarely nice to deal with

FortyFacedFuckers · 06/03/2019 22:52

I don’t usually get anything in particular for them to do but I generally take them somewhere, park/trampoline park/swimming, food wise I will either have several choices including pizza pasta burgers especially if I don’t know them/what type of food they eat or ask if they want to order pizza or go out for something.

Stompythedinosaur · 06/03/2019 22:53

I'm in the middle. I make a big effort for birthday sleepovers, but not so much for other times.

I have been known to get ingredients to make fairy cakes, but I don't arrange activities to fill the whole time. For meals I don't give a choice, but I try to do a meal where they can pick the bits they like (so sandwiches, fruit and crisps out on the table and they help themselves, or pizzas they make themselves with the toppings they want).

I do arrange for ddog to go elsewhere when a particular friend is coming over who is scared of dogs.

Unguent · 06/03/2019 23:02

Not standard at all in my experience. I’m very happy to have children around, but don’t make any effort. I’m not running an amusement park or restaurant — when DS’s friends come over (six and seven year olds), I expect them to do their own thing, and if they are here for a meal, they’re offered whatever we’re having, but with no fuss if they don’t like it. It’s very kind what you’re doing, but it sounds very elaborate. Do these playdates not take place very often? DS had a friend over on Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday (a different one each day) this weekend, so I was never going to be arranging baking and crafts for each.

MotivationSuchAnAggrivation · 06/03/2019 23:09

I do this OP. Because my mum always did. It was just the done thing for me.

Not at the age of sleepovers yet (eldest is only 4 so just starting play dates really) but last time I made a fruit platter for them and DDs friends mum was like
I actually felt really embarrassed so I’m going to reign it in next time

buzzybee30 · 06/03/2019 23:17

I do this too but because my mum always did the same for me and I loved it. Our sleepovers were the best as a child, I never understood parents who see it as a break (it's totally not anyway!) and serve what they would have as a normal tea anyway. In the 90s and 00s our sleepovers involved games like bushtucker trials, crafts, baking depending on age. If my daughters friends come round I try and do the same, make it an occasion with a nice tea, fun dessert, loads of activities but back off when they want time alone of course!

BackforGood · 06/03/2019 23:22

No - you are being OTT.

If an 11 yr old has a friend round to play or even sleep, that is what it is - their friend coming round. I would expect them to be able to entertain themselves tbh. I would also expect them to eat what they are offered (subject to allergies, beliefs etc). Don't get me wrong, I would generally offer something most dc like (if I know in advance they are coming) - something like pizza usually most dc eat.
Any expectation of a 'performance' by me would just mean I wouldn't be inviting them round. As for a menu for them to choose from.....
One of my dc is was a fussy eater, and I'd just say to parents not to worry if she doesn't eat much - she is fussy, but won't starve herself. If I knew a friend to be fussy, then I'd offer a choice before cooking.

Obviously 5 yr olds need a bit more looking after, but my dc have always had access to their own toys - I woldn't need to "get craft out" for them - if they want to do it, then they could crack on. There is still an element of the point of having a friend to play is that they do entertain each other.

Unguent · 06/03/2019 23:27

It’s not an ‘occasion’, though, unless you have other children round only very rarely, surely? As I said up the thread, we had three different children over three days at the weekend. And honestly, I think that the more elaborate the play date catering and activities, the less the chance of a normal reciprocation, as other parents don’t necessarily want to treat a casual after-school visit from a classmate like an elaborate birthday party.

Unguent · 06/03/2019 23:28

Sorry, replying to buzzy.

BrieAndChilli · 06/03/2019 23:32

I don’t lay out crafts but we have plenty of stuff here for them to get out and use, we also have a well stocked baking cupboard. Last time 10 year old DD had a friend over they made choc chip cookie from scratch by themselves.
I don’t cook lots of different meals but I will ask the kids before hand what they want.

But like you I was never ever allowed anyone into the house. Wasn’t even allowed to give friends our phone number. So I am now very eager to allow my kids to have friends over and for them to know this is thier house as well.
I also never had a birthday party so I do tend to go totally over the top for the kids parties!!

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2019 23:45

No I just let them get on with it.

I always used to ask if there's anything they wouldn't/couldn't eat though.

That doesn't mean your way is 'wrong', it's just different to some other people's ways.

Mabellavender · 06/03/2019 23:46

I think it sounds lovely op 😊

yumyumpoppycat · 06/03/2019 23:56

I think 4 meal options is excessive but nothing really wrong with the rest of it. We don't do playdates that often but I quite like it when we do as I make more effort which my children benefit from as much as the guest. I wouldn't feel obliged to always make a huge effort every time they came round to play though, especially if it was on a weekly basis.

Original poster

HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 07/03/2019 00:00

I wouldn't say baking some brownies is like an elaborate birthday party

Eldest probably has one sleepover a month on average, altogether probably 4 playdates a month.

OP posts:

yumyumpoppycat · 07/03/2019 00:06

If you enjoy it and your kids are happy then what's the problem? don't worry about it. Some people 100% let the kids get on with it like your friend and supervise from a distance but I don't think letting them do baking is unusual - or fruit platters either to pp!

BlueSkiesLies · 07/03/2019 00:14

Ack if you’re happy making an effort and your children and friends are happy then you’re doing a good thing.

One of my friends mum still made a massive effort when we were 17 or 18 - she would run us into town and give us money for a taxi home, make up the spare room like a hotel to sleep over, feed us something filling before we went out to line out stomachs, always seemed so interested and happy for her children, other stuff like leave a plate of snacks out so we could eat when we got in after a night out. Their family was so lovely. Made friends feel super welcome and my friend still has a lovely relationship with her mum.

cloudymelonade · 07/03/2019 00:17

My mum always made a big fuss when I had sleepovers and it's one of the loveliest things I remember from childhood :)

Justaboy · 07/03/2019 00:39

You sound like a first class mum to me:-)

And it can't have been much fun caring for a mum with MH problems either!.

Powernaps · 07/03/2019 00:58

You sound lovely. You don't have to change a thing or rein anything in. I bet your DCs love having a mum like you and I bet their friends love it too.

I am similar, my home growing up wasn't cosy for playdates, so I like making the effort. I usually find out what friend likes to eat/drink in advance - it's never anything too OTT and usually generic that my DCs like anyway. I'll usually have something lined up for them to play/watch/do, if they want to, once they have played independently.

JasonGideon · 07/03/2019 07:06

This sounds lovely OP but you are going above and beyond through choice- there’s nothing wrong with what other people do.

Nautiloid · 07/03/2019 07:39

Sometimes I do this, sometimes I leave them to it.

sunnyshowers · 07/03/2019 07:39

I 've 3 kids. dd is the eldest and I 've always done similar to op. as they got older there was less need to do things with them and they sort themselves out. now (12) I 've more to do because we in it groups around before school discos etc. at the last one a few girls turned up (different class same year) and they were welcomed in and had a ball. we 've an open door policy and one of them said we love coming here because we can relax and always have full tummies. now I know some would say I m a mug but there are kids her age walking around our village and in the park and I m way happier they can relax here and feel welcome. coming into the teenage years I 've found my approach really is paying off (might eat my words yet) but they're still young and want to feel safe and wanted. it's not a case of doing too much, more a case of giving my child the chance to cement relationships within a safe environment. she dowasn't wasn't to walk the streets (small rural location) and I m v happy about that.
she's also v into sports and scouts so is v busy physically so that really helps . I 've same attitude to my younger kids and I 've been told by my youngest I m so amazing he s never leaving home and gonna bury me in the back yard so I m close to him forever lol.
it will change I know but what your doing now will naturally lessen but will never be forgotten by your child and their friends...it will positively impact on the future. so fair play.

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