Fell out with FIL (his fault) and now we're not invited to family events

[shutupyoueejit]

I posted a thread before Xmas regarding us going NC with my FIL. Basically he has refused to NOT say the N word too and in front of our children so we are no longer welcome in his house.
We haven't seen him since and have to meet MiL in secret at DHs sisters house.
Anyway, DHs sister called him today as it's our nieces birthday soon, said they were having a party for her and that FiL has said if we are going then he is not. She said she doesn't know what to do so DH just said don't worry about it we won't go and said he was giving her an 'out'.
AIBU to be absolutely fuming. I feel like she should have said to him 'ok don't come'
So now, our kids are never going to be invited to any of their cousins parties ever again. It's like we're being punished when we were not in the wrong at all.

Disclaimer; FIL is a racist dick face and him and DH literally will never speak again.

@FierceMother
We obviously have a difference of opinion regarding swear words and racist words.
My FIL didn't say the n word in ear shot of my children- he said it at them, on purpose.
And to be honest, if my child repeats a swear word in school they'll get in some trouble, but if they repeat the N word in school- yeah, major problems. So no, I don't think it's the same thing!

You're all right, I'm letting my anger cloud my judgement.
We see one SIL regularly during the secret meetings with MIL but not the other.
I think after years of the effort only being on our end (ie we always visit them, they never visit us) I'm just loathed to keep making it when they can't do the same for us.

If sil is ok with fil's language them she is probably also racist, so won't be inclined to favour you over him. It is wrong, obviously, but not much you can do.

I'd arrange contact with the cousins at other times, and remind yourself that you are protecting your dc.

My parents used to try and pull this shit when they fell out with other family members. I just invited who I wanted. If they chose not to come, that was their pathetic decision and nothing to do with me (they always came btw but if they hadn't then it would be their problem not mine).

Your SIL is being a bit weak in my view putting the decision back to you. But although it's upsetting not going the parties, presumably you can still meet up at other events, giving you the last laugh over your FIL who wants control over all family relationships.

I remember your last thread too. You are better off without him.

Don't react too badly to SIL just yet - she may be working her way through stuff and may get there eventually.

Ignore FIL. Invite SIL and her kids over for a sunday dinner or a bbq or a movie and popcorn night in a couple of weeks. FIL not invited so no conflict. You need to develop an independent relationship with the family outside of FIL. Stop with the secrecy - maybe MIL needs to be secretive about meeting you but you don't. Call her up and invite her - just her - over for tea. Text her and say you are getting together with SIL and wondered if she would like to join you. Just cut him out.

You made your decision for your DCs. Your DSIL has made the decision for her's. It was UR to expect her to share your stance or (to be blunt) to choose you over her father.
Part of making a principled stand is accepting the repercussions from it so I don't understand why you're fuming. You must have realised cutting off FIL would impact on your relationship with the rest of the family. Although as PPs have said, you can still host celebrations and events for SIL and the cousins.

Whilst I agree with you do you think you can get your children through life never hearing anyone say that word. You can explain to them why it is wrong and move on from this.

I agree that SIL is also racist. Fuck em all!

My mil is racist, luckily ours are mostly grown up and the youngest understands.
I think I would have done the same thing OP, my mil has only started this when dc were older/ they have only been round her as older kids, mostly.
I pull her up on it and sometimes another family member gets in there before me. It's really awkward as we all wince, they know they are wrong, so why do it.

@WFTisgoingoninmyhead
Honestly- I think while they're as young as they are I can give it a pretty good go. Unless a random stranger is shouting it at them in the street then there isn't anyone else in their lives that would even utter the word never mind use it at them.

Again, they didn't over hear it, it was said directly to them to make a point as DH had already asked him to use it in front of them.
He wouldn't use the word outside his house as he knows it's not acceptable. And what kind of man chooses his freedom to use the n word at will rather than have a relationship with his son and grandkids. Not a big ask in my opinion, but his major contention was that I (a woman!! Shock horror) had the audacity to stand up to him.

Whilst I agree with you do you think you can get your children through life never hearing anyone say that word. You can explain to them why it is wrong and move on from this.

Seriously? There is a big difference between hearing some random fucker in the street shouting the N word and Granddad deliberately calling people the N word to his young children because "I can say what I want in my own house and this is what I really think about those people'.

I agree that SIL is also racist.

Harsh.

Perhaps she is someone who loves her father and it prepared to tolerate his unpleasant views on the (presumably) rare occasions they arise rather than not see him. It doesn't mean she shares his views. You don't have to agree with everything someone thinks in order to care about them.

My father has some views I find pretty horrendous. I still love him, but when the subjects pop up (usually when he is drunk) I say "I don't want to discuss this with you". There are also some things I refuse to discuss with my husband, as I find his views difficult to reconcile with mine. That is actually far more problemsome.

I understand where you are coming from, my FIL used to use that kind of language (rag head/ bloody abo etc) and it upset me a lot that our children would learn to say it, luckily for use he is the shy type and I am not so he backed down on it before I did, I will not have my children going around using racist language when it is something that I feel strongly about and of course they will repeat it if they hear it.

I feel sorry for your SIL though and to be fair she did not not invite you, you could have taken a stand and said you were coming and let your FIL stay away, this is actually what I would have done. Your DH should be calling his S and saying you have thought about it and will be coming.

I also think that the rest of the family should be standing up to him and letting him know that you are right and that he is wrong when it comes to using racist language so he can either accept it and keep it out of his vocabulary or he can miss out on years with his GC, he is the one making the choice.

I also have to disagree that your SIL is likely racist, my DH is not racist BUT he was brought up hearing the things is Dad said and it just became run of the mill and something that everyone in the family ignored and turned a blind eye to, my husband would honestly not even 'hear' it until I pointed it out to him then because he wanted to avoid confrontation with FIL would just say 'oh it's not that bad' and then after thinking about it would admit to me that if our children were to repeat those words at kindy/school etc that he would be embarrassed and upset. So there us every chance that the immediate family don't hear it the same as everyone else and don't want to upset the father.

@StoppinBy
Yeah that's probably quite similar- I think DH spent years ignoring or not really hearing it. But stopped doing this when we had kids. His sisters are obviously still the same.
It's sad, FIL is the one who says 'I'm not racist but....'
he's a dickhead in most aspects really and doesn't have any redeeming qualities I'm aware of so never seeing him again is not great loss to me (or DH really) but it's the impact it's had on everyone else that pisses me off.

In my experience most people will sit themselves firmly on the fence. They don't want to rock their world, and if as in your case it means implicitly accommodating a racist they will.

You've done the right thing for you. You've taken a stance and now you can work around it to see the people you want to. It does hurt to see other's not calling out his awful behaviour, but basically you have more courage and moral fibre than them.