To think there is a stigma attached to being a SAHD

[Crushedvelvetcouch]

There is, isn't there?
DH is a SAHD and we seem to illicit quite a few raised eyebrows and thinly veiled insults regarding our family model.

Is there a stigma, if so could you hazard a guess as to why?

Quite prepared to believe that I'm just surrounded by judgemental, ill mannered people if there isn't.

I think you’re surrounded by judgemental, ill mannered people!

You're surrounded by judgemental, ill mannered people.

DH is a SAHD and never had an issue

My Dh is a sahd, some people are surprised but we've never felt judged

My husband is too but no one has ever been judgemental directly to us. Most people have applauded us.

He has struggled to be included at baby groups, though. There is one he goes to every Tuesday, and it was only after I went along once that other mums started to engage with him. I find that quite sad.

I know 4 SAHDs (an usually high number probably), they say that they're treated like some sort of hero for wanting to do it, sacrificing their job for the children etc. I'm not sure there's more stigma than women get. You're surrounded by judgemental, I'll mannered people!

There were two SAHD Dads at my DD primary and everyone thought they were heroes for doing the same stuff all the Mums did. No stigma!

I think it is harder, yes, though I think insults etc are extreme. I'm friends with one couple where the dad has just one day with his son (rather than off full-time) and even there I get the feeling that it's harder to just casually chat to other parents (usually mums) at toddler things, let alone make friends. I also find that when talking to mum friends there's a fair bit of "useless dad" chat, which clearly is a huge problem when faced with an actual dad! It's something I'm aware of, I'll always try to address it.

My experience of friends being SAHDs resembles DubiousBattle’s — the ‘aren’t you great?’ model. (Admittedly with sometimes a hint of unspoken ‘A real man wouldn’t do this’.) One of them moved around quite a lot and said people found his decision much odder in small town Cornwall than they did in big cities. Another friend who is a SAHD in suburban Washington finds it very isolating.

I think people still tend to think of mothers as being the natural full time carer and dads earning the big bucks, which isn't always the case. Do you earn more than your DH did? I think it's a shame there aren't more organisations out there for dads to take kids too where they could meet other dads.

And I also find it strange how single dads are heralded more. Jeff Brazier is a good example. He's obviously raised his boys alone since Jade Goody died, but that fact almost seems to garner universal admiration whereas if the situation had been reversed, no one would have batted an eyelid.

Well thank you for validating my suspicions re the manners of my social circle

Honestly, its less the fact of him struggling to be included at the school gates/baby groups as he's naturally quite gregarious and just an all round nice person.
What I find surprising are the women who pity me as "my DH doesn't support me" well yes, he does just not financially. Also those who faux pity me as "I must work so hard" well, yes but don't we all?

Then DH's friends who will state "I'll leave you to your housework, some of us need to earn a living" when ending a phonecall. This is all under the guise of humour but it just irks me

No dont worry.
The only time I have ever judged a SAHD was when a guy i worked with got fired for smoking too much weed and posted a day later 'stay at home dad life'

I was like eh.. Usually someone is a SAHD due to family commitments and decisions not due to being fired for drugs.

I respect any SAHD like any SAHM.. Whatever works for that specific family.

In actual case when me and DP have children id say he will be the SAHD and ill be the breadwinner! As he does more personal from home work like promoting and event management. Ill be the one out working the 9-5 job and ive no problem with that.

Again.. Different family different situations :)

Be proud you have the option to have one parent at home. Alot of families either have 2 parents at home on jobseekers or both out at work trying to make ends meet.

And fuck what anyone else thinks its not their family :)

Please ignore anyone who disrespects the work your husband does from home.. Raising kids.. Looking after a home. It is as much a job as anything else imo if that person has had a job before.

One thing i dont agree with however would be someone who has been on social welfare their whole life and decides they are now classed as a stay at home parent.

But i have alot of respect for a mum or dad who gives up a career prospect to make a home and family.

I think there is a bit of stigma but hopefully that will lessen as it becomes more common. I have heard women say they wouldn't fancy their OH if they stayed at home with the kids which I always find odd as if their job is somehow part of their personality that attracts you! There is probably a bit of stigma to being a sahm as well though (the 'what do you do all day' comments

DH was SAHP for a number of years when DCs were small. He is still the major housekeeper now DCs are grown up.

I think there is a lot of misunderstanding. A colleague of mine was visiting us for a meal bringing his family. Beforehand he said he was fascinated to see what it was like when the dad was the mum.

Afterwards he said in some wonder 'Your DH is the dad!'.

Sometimes there is some envy both of DH & me. We are each doing what we enjoy and are good at. DH has always had projects on the go. He is happy to run the household. Left to me we would be living on what the cat can catch & cook.

To summarise OP, I wouldnt be surprised to find that insulting comments hide some jealousy.

slippie No, nothing like that, he was a support worker previously when we had only two children, then two children followed in the space of fifteen minths, coupled with me getting a promotion.
It just made sense for him to stay at home following my mat leave.

I feel that if I were the SAHP it wouldn't even be questioned...

Thank you all for your supportive sentiments, its hard to know sometimes if I'm just being sensitive as its very much 'husband at work, wife part time/sahm, 2.4 children' around here. We don't fit the mould which is sacrilege in lower middle class suburbia

I suspect your DH's friends haven't spent much time looking after their own kids if they can't appreciate how much hard work it is.

My DH isn't a SAHD but he did take DS to a baby group every week. At first he was the only dad there but after a few weeks more turned up. Turns out the mums had gone home and told their partners to get more involved. The organiser said it was the only session she ran where there were dads present which I thought was a real shame.

We're in a rural school and it's nearly even split at collecting/ drop off times, and most of them are sahds. Your dh might just be unlucky with where you are but nobody bats an eyelid at our school. Hope it picks up for him!

My DH will be a SAHD when I go back after maternity. We're both going along to baby groups and luckily he's pretty gregarious so has no problem chatting to the mums. But only a couple of times at the various groups have we seen dads. I hope once I'm at work DH manages to have a social time with DS.

We haven't met any stigma (yet). Hopefully we won't either.

Gnome, Constanza and stay I suspect there is truth in all that you say.
I do recognise that envy is sometimes the root cause of supposed derision and lots of the women who make comments are the ones who struggle to get their DH's to look after their children whilst they pop to the gym/ out for coffee.
Yes many of DH's friends aren't familiar with childcare, to put it kindly. However they appear to take pride in this fact; outwardly at least
And yes, we quite possibly are in an unfortunate location for SAHD's. Not many women here working in the professions which I suppose is a major differential from more diverse communities.

We have a number of sahd. They are their own mini clique.

Subconsciously some people will think that a man lowers himself by taking on a woman's role. Oddly at the same time people (often the same people?) will think these men incapable of performing this role well.

It's the devaluing of women and the extreme rigid mindset of socially imposed gender roles and it's all shit.

I hear you, Crushed. I’m still adjusting six years on, to the surprise caused locally by the fact that I have a six year old and work FT in a demanding professional job. I imagine if DH was a SAHD, the village would turn itself inside out with shock.

chocolates that sounds great, I hope everything works out well for you.

Whereabouts are you Cat?

OMG well, yes quite. Still bothers me/us though. I mean just how can other people feel entitled to deride us to our faces because we aren't following their chosen model of how a family should functioning practically and economically?
It has literally nothing to do with them.

Yanbu.
Not ‘man’ enough to support his family.
In a nutshell.