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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For this to be possible?

46 replies

PinkGlitter123 · 06/03/2019 12:32

To come out of a 14 year marriage and be in other relationships within a few months and be extremely happy?
One person was happy in the original marriage, the other wasn't.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 06/03/2019 13:32

"He loved being married to her. "

So is it really a surprise he wanted to be back in that situation with another person quickly?

SoThisHappened · 06/03/2019 13:34

I'm always a little bit suspicious of people who claim this, actually.

It's easy to say that people have 'emotionally' left the marriage a long time previously and that means they are ready. Having been in the situation myself, I'd say that, yes, you can emotionally separate from the marriage even years beforehand and, therefore, not 'miss' the other person, or experience any heartbreak. It's also possible to experience a huge sense of elation, freedom and relief.

In my experience, the 12 months after my marriage ended were the happiest of my life - I felt lighter; more free; more confident; hopeful... I spent a year walking on air and that I was unstoppable.

However, I think that people need time after a relationhip ends to 'recalibrate'; rediscover themselves; work out if what they want out of life/a relationship is the same as they wanted when that relationship began...

I know that, although my marriage was shocking, I learnt a lot about myself within it. I changed, I grew, I matured and it took time afterwards to really understand who 38 year old me was. And it wasn't the same person that 25 year old me had been. I met a few men in the first few years after my marriage ending and, whilst they were mostly reasonable men, it's taken 7 years for me to feel like I would want/be able to commit to another person properly.

I also wouldn't want to be with someone who had just left a long term relationship for those reasons. I'd be wary of someone who felt they were able to 'move on' quickly. I think it's healthy for people to spend some time alone in order to 'connect with' themselves again. Nothing at all to do with getting over someone else.

CostanzaG · 06/03/2019 13:35

Yes 100%......this was me. I'd been unhappy for a while and finally found the courage to leave. Within 3 months i was in a relationship with someone else and we bought a house, got married and pregnant with in a year. 7 years later were still vary happily married......some my friends were judgy as fuck though and still are in some cases.

Collaborate · 06/03/2019 13:43

It is well known that there are various stages to go through when a couple is separating. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

One of the couple will usually start that journey before the other, and so be well ahead and reached the acceptance stage when the other is either still in denial or anger.

Grace212 · 06/03/2019 13:44

OP did you post about this before?

if that was you, then I think you are over worrying about your brother, let him get on with life as he sees fit.

PinkGlitter123 · 06/03/2019 13:47

I do think there is a difference from what I have read here too.

Dead in the water /stale/unhappy/spark gone out marriages. Makes sense that people move on quickly.

In my brother's case, I have my doubts.
He was very happy and thought his marriage was great. He is still puzzled now as to why it ended.

OP posts:
outpinked · 06/03/2019 13:50

If there are children involved you have to put them first always and consider their feelings before your own, that’s just part of being a parent.

If there are no children involved you’re absolutely free to do whatever you want.

TwitterQueen1 · 06/03/2019 13:52

Drip feeding is really annoying OP. If you'd said upfront what the issue was you would have got different - and potentially more useful replies.

outpinked · 06/03/2019 13:56

My marriage was dead for a fair while before I ended it. I could barely stand to look at my husband anymore but tried to make it work as long as I could for the DC’s sake before realising they needed happy parents, not miserable resentful ones. Anyway, I waited a year before I started dating and am glad I did. I focused completely on my DC and career and got myself to a place where I felt ready. Met my lovely DP soon after and we’ve been together for four years.

My exH, on the other hand, met and moved in with his DP a month after we separated. She has two DC and the youngest’s Dad literally moved out a week before my ExH moved in. They are still together tbf but I don’t think that was handled well at all. Her DC have lots of behavioural issues which I can’t say aren’t linked to this and our DC barely see exh anymore because they don’t get along with her or her children (lots of shouting, swearing, bullying going on- v.dysfunctional).

I think I handled it better, not biased or anything but I just did. Had I rushed out and started dating right away and introduced them to the first guy I went on a few dates with, that would’ve upset them when it fell apart. He wasn’t a great guy and I’m glad I realised that before introducing them.

diddl · 06/03/2019 13:59

"He is still puzzled now as to why it ended."

Because she wasn't happy/had already met someone else?

It does sound as if some time alone wouldn't hurt him though.

How old are the kids?

Hope that they aren't feeling pushed aside for these new relationships.

diddl · 06/03/2019 14:01

*""He loved being married to her. "

So is it really a surprise he wanted to be back in that situation with another person quickly?"*

Doesn't that suggest though that it's a relationship he wants & almost anyone would do?

Birdie6 · 06/03/2019 14:16

I was divorced 15 years ago. My ex was happy, I wasn't . But within a couple of months of separating, both of us found new partners and are still together. I've been married to DH for 11 years , and my ex is still with the same partner. Both of us were lucky to find someone who really was 'the right one" despite the short time frame. So yes it can happen.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/03/2019 14:16

Maybe your brother was desperate to keep his former partner despite the fact that it wasn't a healthy relationship - people cling on to the most useless, arrogant, spiteful, repulsive partners just because they've got so used to the situation or because they feel they've invested so much that they have to 'win' in the end and keep hold of that partner.
Now he's out of it, he's met someone who is a better 'fit'.

Why have you got your undies in such a bundle, though? His new relationship might last, or it might not, but if it's making him happy for the moment, why not just let him enjoy it?

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 06/03/2019 14:18

I've watched several people move on very quickly from relationships they were happy in, through divorce, bereavement, being dumped.

I've met others who were devastated when not particularly good relationships ended and still hark back to them years later.

Not everyone is the same.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/03/2019 14:18

And of course there are people who can't function by themselves, who have to be In Love, so move from one partner to the next fairly quickly. Some men, for instance, simply don't want to cook, or launder, or look after children, so the nearest available (and equally desperate not to be single) woman will become the (latest) One...

PinkGlitter123 · 06/03/2019 14:26

I am worried for him and the kids who are both aged under 10 and already been through a lot.
I am sorry if it looks like I am dripfeeding, just answering questions as they come up.

Diddl- Apologies but I didn't understand your last post. x

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 06/03/2019 14:47

I got into a relationship a few months after my marriage ended, was the worst decision I ever made, it lasted a year and it wasn’t until it ended (badly) that I realised that I hadn’t taken time to find myself again, to get used to being alone. I think when a marriage ends it’s a kind of grievance process and even if the marriage was bad as mine was I still should have taken time to get used to being alone before looking for a relationship. My marriage ended 4 years ago and after being in a short relationship for a year I am now enjoying being on my own, I would love to meet someone but I’m not in any rush, I love my own space, I love being independent and my kids are happy with it just being us.

Lovemusic33 · 06/03/2019 14:50

A lot of men just can’t cope with being alone, my ex was in a relationship pretty quickly and when he split with her quickly found someone else, I don’t think he loves these people (probably didn’t love me) but just can’t cope being on his own.

diddl · 06/03/2019 15:06

"Diddl- Apologies but I didn't understand your last post. "

I had tried to bold what someone else had put & failed.

This is what they had put-"So is it really a surprise he wanted to be back in that situation with another person quickly?" (in response to you saying he loved being married to her)

My response to that was it suggests that he just wants to be in a relationship & anyone will do.

So like you, I don't really get how he was moved on so quickly. Perhaps he hasn't.

PinkGlitter123 · 06/03/2019 15:17

I understand now, sorry, blonde moment.

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 06/03/2019 17:29

I think sometimes people confuse love and lust. Lust is usually vvv strong at the start of a relationship but has to ease over time for sanity's sake.

BIL and his wife split up. He told MIL that his ex DW claimed that he had never loved her. He said that he agreed. He had never felt about exW the way he did about Sally, his new GF. Sally was gone in less than 6 months followed by several more!

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