Nephew with a foul mouth

[Thisismynewname123]

DH family are overseas, so we see them a couple of times a year when we stay at each other's houses for a couple of weeks at a time. My 2 dds are no angels, but they are generally suitably shocked and uncomfortable at hearing bad words. DH are I are not swearers in general, so they don't hear bad language at home (obviously they do at school, but not at home).
The nephew has been getting progressively worse with his language last few times we've seen them. SIL commented when we spoke recently that he's now got significantly worse due to the language of his friends. They don't like it - they also don't swear at home so I don't blame them for his language. But they are coming to stay shortly and I know how bad it's been in the past when he's done it to be shocking. If she felt the need to say that he's worse now, I'm dreading it a bit. He's 9. Any ideas of how I can take some control of this while they're staying at our house? It's not my place to parent him - and SIL & BIL don't like it either so they're doing what they can, which is difficult when he does it for the reaction a lot of the time. Do I just ignore it and tell dds to ignore it? Or say something to him about language that is unacceptable in our house? Or am I over-reacting and it's no different to playground language and I should get over myself!?

It totally is his parents fault. He is 9!

Get on the phone to them and say your not having him in the house if let him to continue swearing. Obviously ignoring it isn’t working is it?

He probably calls his parents by their first name now and smokes!

I called round to my very middle class friends house and her son (of the same age -9) was dreadful. At one point he shouted at her ‘fuck sake Susan your just showing of in front of your friend’ (her real name isn’t Susan) when she’d stopped him from getting another snack.

She was doing the ignoring method too

I also think your in-laws swear a lot more than they admit.

Perfumeandoranges - Re the possible undiagnosed ASD and treading lightly - IME with my daughter, it means normal threats and punishments can be a waste of time. It doesn't mean they don't know what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. I do know that rewards work better than punishments, and talking to him is likely to have zero effect if he doesn't see the point or is getting the reaction he wants.

@Damntheman I was joking (sorry that wasn't clear)

Boredisboring - yes English is their first language. There is no misunderstanding my anyone of what is being said! I'm sure it started for a reaction a couple of years ago and he was getting the reaction he wanted. Now they've tried overlooking it to see if that works, which clearly it isn't. I think they need to possibly talk to the (private) school but it's really not my business how they deal with it at home. It's in my house that it's a problem for me

what level of swearing?

Poo/Jobby head/willy and bum type or Fuck, shit and bastard type?

First lot I would definitely just ignore the latter needs sorting. What are they doing at the moment?

I had this too with relatives, just explained to my DCs it is inappropriate and to warn them beforehand so they don't laugh or give attention. I had my relatives 'teaching' mine and SIL saying oh, he has a potty mouth. Bit weird, but mine just changed the subject and as they got no attention or shock they seemed to stop.

@FooFighter99 please forgive my sleep deprived denseness! :grin:

Hey look I'm 51 and I know not to swear in front of my parents! Tell him that swearing in unacceptable and that if he does he will be punished/excluded for 15 minutes each time to a bedroom with no TV/phone etc. Make sure the bedroom is boring! If he swears but apologises then I might let him off as a slip of the tongue but yes your rules count. Not sure you have said what this swearing is though - what words is he using?

WaxOnFeckOff and mcnaughty - lots of fucks mostly. Proper swearing!

@WaxOnFeckOff

Poo/Jobby head/willy and bum type or Fuck, shit and bastard type?

Sorry I know this is supposed to be serious but that is a brilliant sentence

@Thisismynewname123 that isn't good, the f word is really an extreme thing for a 9 year old to say

You only see them a couple of times a year, I would concentrate on having a nice time & not doing his parents job for them, at the cost of being the ‘strict/grumpy’ Aunty or worse still, effectively punishing a child with additional needs who really doesn’t understand. All children are different and all children with SN are different. Your DD has been brought up differently and her SN isn’t stopping her understanding, his inability to ‘get it’ may well be due to his SN & upbringing combined. Or he may completely ‘get it’ & just be a little sod ‍🤷🏻‍♀️

Your girls know better. I would remind them before he arrives that he swears a lot, but they know better and whilst you’re not happy about him doing it, Aunty & Uncle need to deal with it. They already know, so you don’t need them to tell any adults about it. Then give them the options of either ignoring it or telling him directly they don’t be want to hear it/don’t want to play with him.

Is swearing more acceptable in the country he lives in? In Germany and Holland for example swear words are just words and they laugh at our attitude to them.
If it's something like this maybe you could sit him down for a very important grown up conversation about cultural differences and what is acceptable.
Or offer some alternative words like sugar etc and when you hear him say them, thank him.

Jamhandprints - no, it's not acceptable where they're from. It's not a cultural difference.

Thanks for all the comments. IncrediblySad - I think that's the advice I will try to follow. My girls now what is acceptable. I will tell them to ignore him and not come running to me when he uses bad words. As long as I don't hear them using the same words, I'll stay out. However, if (when) he uses the language in front of me I can't just ignore it and not say anything, even if it does make me the grumpy auntie!