AIBU thinking this relationship is progressing rather slowly?

[Meccacos]

Hi all,

I wanted some perspective in relation to a new relationship. I'll give some background - but I want to make it clear that he does not have another family somewhere - I have met his friends and all of his family.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost six months now.

Some background (so I am not drip feeding), he was still married when we met and is currently finalising his property matters between them (i.e. splitting up their assets).

From the beginning the steps have been rather hard (and not what I have been used to). By steps I mean, before we progress to each stage in the relationship there has been some drama. I know we both have anxious attachment styles but a few things bother me, such as:

1. Very early on he went back on on-line dating after he said we were exclusive (I got over this, he started pulling away and I just let him be and he came back);

1. He took months before asking me to be his girlfriend and got angry when I asked how he would be introducing me to his friends;

1. He refused to add me on facebook because he was still friends (with his then wife) and their photos were everywhere;

1. His divorce has only very recently come through; and

1. For my birthday he got me a voucher to something I did not want even though I had been dropping massive hints. It felt like a token gift with no thought put into it whatsoever and I just felt empty. He didn't even go into the shop to buy it, he just ordered online the day before my birthday.

My primary issue right now is he schedules my sleepovers to one night per week and only on a weekend.

He works away and is often home at the weekend, but sometimes he is away for about 10 days (which means I see him every second weekend). Still, when he is back I am scheduled for one sleepover per weekend.

In past relationships I am used to sleeping over sometimes during the week and then both going to work the next day.

I have some health issues at present and have moved in with family, so he can't sleep at mine.

I have a bunch of surgery scheduled over the next few months (I'll need to go under at least three more times). He knows this but is keeping an open mind if all his property matters settle then he is most likely travelling overseas.

I don't have the money to travel and I have absolutely no leave as I have used it all for medical reasons.

My gut feeling is that while he professes to love me and constantly messages me while he is away - I am not seeing it. I feel like he is keeping things casual and controlled.

He moved in with his ex-wife very soon after they met, they travelled a lot together and made all these plans. It's been almost 6 months and I don't think we are going anywhere. We have no plans other than my scheduled time with him. I guess I am wondering if I am wasting my time?

But how do I bring this up? How do I say 'this doesn't feel typical of a new relationship?'

He just messaged me with a plan for the weekend - of when we will see each other and when I am allowed to sleep over and it just feels scripted. It feels like I am wasting my time, my physical and emotional energy and my resources.

For those of you who are married, was it ever this hard in the beginning and did it work out? I have been very sick from the beginning (health problems which have surfaced), he has gone through his divorce while we were together (they were separated for over a year before I even met him so I wasn't the other woman).

It would be wonderful if I might get some perspective, or how to approach this without ruining everything. Usually, if things seem hard I just end it. I am trying to break that pattern of behaviour. But it seems like the resentment is just building.

He's not ready for a full on relationship and you want one. Neither of you are in the wrong just poor timing/incompatible. After 6 months there doesn't need to be recriminations.
Just move on and focus on getting better.

Six months in to a relationship should be going at it like rabbits, moon eyes and general delight; but it's OK to be six months into dating and not have that or be trying to turn it into a relationship. It sounds like you want "relationship" and he wants "dating", not unreasonable when the ink is barely dry on the divorce!

If I were freshly divorced & travelled for work extensively, I'd want some at-home-alone-time too – seems reasonable that he's trying to balance space and time with you in his limited time at home. But it's OK if that's not what you want! Just find someone else.

Some of the issues just don't sound that important, sorry: who cares about being added on Facebook or any social media? And some people just aren't good at birthday presents. Either find someone who cares about that stuff on the same level you do, or examine why it's so important to you.

What are your is your barometer for speed a relationship progresses?

I’m not seeing much wrong here for 6 months, post marriage fling or not.

I got as far as point 2 before deciding he wasn't worth the effort. He got angry because you, quite rightly, enquired about meeting friends etc. No thanks. Anyone who doesn't want to introduce you to their friends isn't worth it.

He isn't yet divorced, it doesn't matter that there have been 2 other people before you, you are most definitely a rebound thing. Don't be available for the scheduled sleepovers. Focus on you and your health.

He contacted you with a plan to say when you are allowed stay over...

Focus on yourself and your health and if it was me I'd be running a mile way too complicated at this stage of a relationship if you can even call it that it seems to be you doing all the work to fit in when he's available.

He sounds like he’s just not that invested in your relationship, sorry. He’s telling you he’s thinking about going overseas when you’re having surgery. You’re spending one night a week together because that’s what he wants. He’s still got loads of baggage from his marriage. He won’t even add you on facebook.

OP, this is not going to work out well. I wouldn’t waste any more time on him, sorry.

"1. Very early on he went back on on-line dating after he said we were exclusive (I got over this, he started pulling away and I just let him be and he came back)"

Why did you "get over this"?! To be brutually honest here OP you seem very passive in this relationship and like you are settling for crumbs. It's been 6 months, it's not going anywhere, end it. Focus on getting better and then start dating again, find someone worth your time, good luck!

@sighrollseyes

It wasn't 6 months out of a marriage.

They were separated for more than a year by the time we met. The actual divorce papers came through recently.

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup

He is divorced. I have explained this several times. He was separated and had been for over a year when we met. During this time he had two relationships. I am the longest.

He is not ready to be in a full relationship. He knows that but wants a woman over now and then. He has to tell you he loves you to get what he wants.

It sounds like he is making appointments for you to come around as if you were a prostitute and could be summoned as and when he wants. Sorry, you should put an end to this. He is not interested in an emotional relationship with you. He is firmly keeping you in your box.

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

You’re not right for each other.

As soon as a man told me which night “he could fit me” I’d laugh in his face and say he should be so lucky!

OK, sorry, its early and I didn't take in that he is actually divorced now. Doesn't change my opinion on it being a rebound.

Why aren’t you focusing on him as an individual? He isn’t a work in progress and won’t suddenly be different if you stick around long enough.

He clearly doesn’t see your relationship as you do and clearly sees a future with you as a possible option among many.

Even though he was separated for some time it still doesn’t feel like he’s interested in more than a casual relationship based on his actions. Sorry OP.

Agree with PPs in that he is not ready for a full on relationship and that you are both at different places.
End the relationship and focus on your own health needs. You don't have the physical or emotional resources for dealing with an unfulfilling relationship right now.
And, based on what you have said, he is not meeting your emotional needs. Don't settle-just because you like or love him. It really isn't enough.
Focus on you and your needs now.

Gave up after the first mention of drama. Fuck that shit.

Sorry OP but he's just not that into you. As cliche as that sounds its true. Sounds like you're a plan B at best to him, do you really want that?

Btw 6 months is plenty long enough to visit you in hospital or take a day off if he was really into you. He is giving you all the signs he isn't so listen and believe him. You can do so much better.

I would let this one go OP, I think you already know what you need to do x

He's not ready to commit to anything more than what you already have ie very little
You want more so either cut your losses , concentrate on yourself & getting better , then look for someone wanting more commitment or be prepared to play the long game waiting for him to want more ( unlikely for some time )

I would suspect having read that you say he's already had two short rebound relationships he's the sort of person who can't manage to be single but isn't ready for a relationship and from all the Facebook photos of her he's really not over his wife yet , this could take years or forever......

I do agree he sounds like he's not putting enough thought or consideration into how you feel about anything be it the occasional scheduling of sleepovers or your birthday gift being completely thoughtless .

I would guess that you have actually done your very best not to be seen as needy to him in person and that's quite possibly why you have lasted as long as you have . I think you are both in different places right now , and whilst he probably isn't meaning to be unkind to you he's not actually being very kind either . You deserve better .

I hope it works out better for you whatever happens

Btw 6 months is plenty long enough to visit you in hospital or take a day off if he was really into you. He is giving you all the signs he isn't so listen and believe him. You can do so much better.

This is also true - I had an operation after I'd been with (now)DH 6 months. We didn't live together - he took a week off to look after me and came to the hospital to see how I was after the operation and tended to me as I recovered.