To stop my child going to grandparents?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

Ok so brief background my parents are wonderful in so many ways.. as parents they only wanted the very best for me and encouraged me and helped me in life in so many ways however they also fought like cat and dog and whilst they did many wonderful tjings as parents I do remember growing up in a household with constant arguments.

I now have a 6 yr old son and I work part time doing half the school runs. My parents do the other half. My parents are amazing at encouraging reading, writing, teaching him languages (!) and taking him for walks and going to the park etc.. ie lots of positive things way above and beyond what an afterschoil club etc could possibly do as they arent one on one... BUT today my mum admitted my son wasnt well behaved and when i pressed her she told me that when my son didnt get his own way he called her "an old bag" and " a stupid woman" ... hes six!! Ive never heard him use these words! My mum said my dad calls her these things during rows (and i 100% know thats the case as its the same words I have ringing in my ears from when i was a child growing up! :-/ ) . I guess i know on paper i should stop them looking after him based on these negatives but i feel sad he will miss out on all the ways they are wonderful? From an impartial viewpoint what do u think? Should i put him in breakfast and after school clubs and stop them having him?

I think your dad needs telling his behaviour towards your mum is being passed on to your child and it's unacceptable and see what he says to that. If he's not willing to apologise and stop it then tell him you can't have him influencing him so much and stop the school runs

Speak to your Dad. If he won't stop would your mum consider coming to your house alone to have the kids.

I wouldn't punish my mum and the kids for this without trying other options first.

Thanks officeworker...yes i agree.. unfortunately my dad cant just stop really. Its been going on years. A bit sad really but my mum "winds my dad up" and makes little digs (shes frustrated at her life and my dad so she makes little comments) my dad flips and shouts at her. Its been going on years but getting worse as my dad gets older..hes 71 now and i think early alzheimers :-/ its so sad :-/

however they also fought like cat and dog

This makes it sound like they are both responsible for the arguments, not just your dad. If that's the case I would suggest they swap days, so one of them collects your DS one day and the other the next day, as they obviously can't be trusted not to argue around him. I wouldn't let them spend time around him together without you there, that way you can remove him (and you) if they begin to argue.

Its really hard to explain but my mum constantly picks my dad up at every opportunity and is negative towards him all the time.. my dad ignores the little digs for so long but then he just flips and yells once hes had enough of her little remarks/ digs :-/ its not all my dad... my mum is equally to blame i think :-/

Owlie thats exactly it.. i genuinely feel (sorry i didnt explain well initially (they are both equally to blame. They are both lovely alone but togethet they are a nightmatem They still live together tho so theres no option of them having them at theirs separately. How damaging are arguments to kids? I think think pretty damaging? I just feel he gets so much positives from being with them but not enough to outweigh the damage toxic arguments and shouting has?

I wouldn’t want my child around arguing adults all the time.

I grew up like that and it was awful.

My PIL are like this to an extent, not full blown namecalling rows in front of DD- but - they low-level bicker constantly without even recognising they are doing it. It’s super irritating. MIL for instance (just to give one side, FiL doles it out as well...) will have a bickery exchange with FIL in front of DD and will conspiratorially call him a “silly old man” in an eye rolling way to her. DD now calls him a silly old man all the time, and started calling DH a silly old man when she disagrees with him/is pushing boundaries as she thinks it’s an acceptable thing to say to a grownup man that you are having a disagreement with. She’s not (always) saying it in a jokey way. Sometimes she says it in anger.

We have had to have chats with them about this stuff rubbing off and ask them not to bicker or to be aware they are bickering and save it for their private time- they literally are oblivious to it at this point in their marriage. Sadly it works for them it would seem. We don’t limit contact and they see her most weeks for an afternoon/evening at least, but we do pull them up when we hear / hear DD parrot things. They’ve gotten better with us providing kind correction. They are great in that they take our lead in how we want to parent DD so are amenable to our feedback and very responsive when we are specific about stuff. (We aren’t control freaks I promise...)!

I would definitely have a serious conversation with your DParents as it’s impacting your son - speaking negatively to/about a woman in authority of him is being normalised for instance - it’s just not acceptable and they need to be able to modify their dynamic while they’re around him even if they can’t 100% of the time. I’d have this serious chat and then limit only if they didn’t follow through with any positive developments.