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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To blame the boyfriend’s mum

36 replies

Gingerlilly · 05/03/2019 19:00

My dd hardly ever comes home, she is nearly 18 but has lived out for near to a year. We had a strained relationship before when amongst other things she gave up school, refused to get a job or help at all around the house
When she was home all day and I was full time at work. We tried all the usual stuff, not funding her, blocking wifi etc so eventually she just went to live with her boyfriend and his family. The mum welcomed her and despite me asking her not to let her stay whenever she wanted as in ‘all the time’ until she eventually just stayed there. In sharp contast to our parenting she does everything for them, washing, cooking etc and they are not expected to help around the house much which of course in my daughter’s eyes makes us look mean but actually I am a firm beliver in children learning how to look after themselves. Their house is also large and lovely so basically she gets a 5 star hotel experience there with service which we cannot compete with, nor would want to. Am I being unreasonable to be cross that this other parent has facilitated all this and basically let me daughter stay against my wishes, I am sure parents are supposed to help each other out but I’m starting to feel more and more like this mother has rather made things worse for our family by letting her stay. Whenever I ask her she just says’I dont mind her staying she’s good company’ and she doesn’t mind cookng and cleaning for her either. It is driving me insane. I feel like my daughter has been stolen in a way and I just feel so sad about it. I sway from blaming myself, to blaming my daughter to blaming the boyfriend’s mother for being such a pushover and it’s just playing on my mind the whole time.

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 05/03/2019 20:02

Kids don't change, we got very them all we can to be nice adults, but if she doesn't want to help and someone offers her an easy life, like most teens she will take it.
As said just different was to raise children, expecting her to be different won't happen till some major change , so you just have to wait it out .

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 05/03/2019 20:05

I can understand that you must be feeling hurt and upset by this. Try to remember this We had a strained relationship before and that hopefully at some stage your daughter will realise that you are and always have acted as her parent, whereas her boyfriend’s mum is trying to be her friend.

I don’t think her boyfriend’s mum is to blame but I can see how it feels hurtful and as if she is undermining you.

ScarletBitch · 05/03/2019 20:07

OP there is your problem, you come on here asking for advice but take offence when given it. Perhaps listening may help. Your DD is a typical 18 year old and pushes boundaries, your now upset because she left to live elsewhere. We have given advice yet we are being harsh? You blame your DD bf mum yet your not prepared to listen to us?

Allfednonedead · 05/03/2019 20:09

FWIW my mother has a theory that all teens should be fostered out for a bit. It’s just much easier to make the transition from child to adult with someone who didn’t change your nappies.

I stayed away (for school, but not boarding) from 15-17 and it was very good for my relationship with my mother to have that distance. My 3 siblings all did similar things and we’re all now respectable adults with advanced degrees, tidy(ish) homes and delightful grandchildren.

I think MrsTerryPratchett is right - your main parenting role is done and now you should focus on building an adult relationship with your DD.

It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong, IMO, it’s just that teens are really difficult.

Margot33 · 05/03/2019 20:12

Dont worry. She will come home one day. Ask her to come round for Sunday dinner with her boyfriend? Keep that door open.

HomeMadeMadness · 05/03/2019 20:17

I sympathise - I would probably feel like you in your situation. Obviously there's nothing you can do. Your DD is an adult and can choose to live there if she wants. Likewise this mum can act as a skivvy if she wants. I tend to agree it's probably not doing DD or her boyfriend any favours.

I would probably change your tact. Your DD is an adult as is her boyfriend's mum. You can't dictate to either of them how they will behave. Obviously you can keep firm the limits and boundaries you have for your own home but you can't force your DD to live in your home. I would focus on DD now as an adult - even if she isn't as mature yet as you'd like. She'll grow up in her own time but at the moment you can be responsible for that. Try and rebuild your relationship as a pair of adults. Don't try and teach her a lesson or force her to grow up - you'll just push her away. Try to just chat with her. Find out what she's up to (without criticism or judgement if she's not up to much) maybe go see a film and chat about the film etc.

Missingstreetlife · 05/03/2019 20:20

Keep the door open but don't insist. She will come round eventually. It's hard but she is adult now, she still needs to grow up.

madmumofteens · 05/03/2019 20:23

Oh OP similar story here but I don't like her BF you just have to let her go and not compare or try to compete with the other mum. I meet my DD for lunch once a week and try not to criticise her BF or her lifestyle! My mantra now is to let time take care of it and that she will realise in time that life here wasn't so bad and it will always be home if she wants to return big hugs xx

HollowTalk · 05/03/2019 20:23

I know exactly what you mean and I would feel the same.

My daughter had a friend in secondary school whose mother used to let all the friends go to her house on weekend nights and stay over. She let them drink, have boys to stay over etc. She was the 'cool mum' who took some of the girls to the doctors for birth control and for abortions, too.

I felt that none of the other mums could compete with this. We wanted to take it in turns and to get to know the other girls, but we weren't prepared to have them drinking or having mixed sleepovers. It's only now that my daughter's in her 20s that she thinks that what happened was wrong, but I certainly felt I lost some of her to that woman, who revelled in being Mrs Popular.

Cottipus · 05/03/2019 20:28

When I was that age and had boyfriends I used to spend most of my time at their houses as I was allowed to stay over- my parents weren’t happy having boyfriends stay.

It wasn’t anything personal against my parents- my boyfriends’ parents were just less strict about us sharing a bed and we had more freedom.

As PPs have suggested use this opportunity to cultivate an adult relationship with DD, going shopping etc. At that age relationships can break down quickly and she may be back.

motherheroic · 06/03/2019 08:09

Maybe you can change your line of thinking. Your daughter's mess and laziness is someone else's problem now. You can get the best bits of her and then wave her off for someone else to deal with.

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