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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Debt-ridden, high-earning Ex wants to cut what he gives me - which one of us IBU?

21 replies

AllPanicNoDisco · 05/03/2019 18:28

We split 4 years ago. Sorted everything re: DC amicably and without involving solicitors etc. Have got on fine and been co-parenting really well up until now. We share the DC 55/45 probably. We have no family where we live so are flexible and help each other.

I used to work for his company so he paid me a monthly wage and then a dividend (which was in place of maintenance).

I left his company late last year (once youngest DC started school) and got my own relatively low-paid, part-time job (but it has career potential and I'm already being given extra hours/responsibilities after only 3 months) so he obvs released me from his company and as a shareholder so no more dividend.

We own the house DC and I live in together (50/50 on deeds although 100% of the deposit came from my parents). I don't think the bank would let me take it over based on my current earnings.

He is in massive debt. He also earns £££ a day. By sacking me he has gained back over a grand a month but he claims he sees none of this as it's company money.

He says if we split the mortgage 50/50 he won't give me anything in maintenance.

OR I can pay the full mortgage and he'll give me a small amount of maintenance (around £200).

He wants to see all my financial outgoings so he can decide what is "fair" for both of us to live on. This makes me really uncomfortable.

I am far from a money grabber and don't want to fall out with him but this feels a tad unfair.

He had three holidays last year. New car. Me and the kids haven't been abroad in over 3 years. We wear charity shop clothes. Shop in Aldi. I'm not down and out but if I take on full mortgage I'll be left with barely anything to live on and zero for emergencies. I have always bought all the clothes/uniforms/shoes/coats for the DC - he's never had to worry about all that.

AIBU to think he's trying to solve his own money problems by taking from me and the DC? Or does the fact that we're almost 50/50 in terms of residence mean that maintenance isn't something he's required to pay me?

Any advice would be massively welcome.

OP posts:

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 05/03/2019 18:31

Your difficulty is that if you take it to cms there are multiple ways he can and is likely to manipulate the system.

He is a dick but you may find yourself even worst off going through CMS. 🙈

HeckyPeck · 05/03/2019 18:42

He wants to see all my financial outgoings so he can decide what is "fair" for both of us to live on. This makes me really uncomfortable.

I’d ask him to provide his first. It’s not up to him to decide what’s fair!

HeckyPeck · 05/03/2019 18:44

Oh and did he pay you off for your shares in the company?

Chloemol · 05/03/2019 18:49

Must admit I would be taking legal advice now

Original poster

AllPanicNoDisco · 05/03/2019 18:50

Thanks both.

Hecky - He didn't pay me for shares - I did wonder about that.

By CMS do you mean CSA Bugsy? I did their calculator quickly (using conservative estimate of his earnings) and it said he should pay £350 a month.

OP posts:

Meandwinealone · 05/03/2019 18:54

Even with 55/45 split?

Your main problem. Is he owns his own company, it’s very easy to hide money.

HeckyPeck · 05/03/2019 18:55

Did you sign something about the shares? I’m not a lawyer, but I don’t think a company director can just take shareholder’s shares away without paying the market value for them.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 05/03/2019 18:55

What is your current arrangement? Why does he suddenly want to change it?

Meandwinealone · 05/03/2019 18:56

and in reality, the simple answer is, you have to get legal advice. don’t tell him that though.

NameChangeNugget · 05/03/2019 18:58

Get legal advice on this one and good luck.

Why would you be expecting more on 50/50 out of interest and can you prove what you worked out your calculations on?

winterisstillcoming · 05/03/2019 19:02

Yup, he needs to buy your shares, even if for 1p. Get legal advice about this. Look yourself up on companies house and see if you still own shares or what the accountant has done to take you off.

ArnoldBee · 05/03/2019 19:04

Did you divorce and have a financial order? CMS wise you may end up pretty screwed tbh and the house needs sorting one way or another so you all know where you stand. Legal advice is what you need.

Loopytiles · 05/03/2019 19:04

Legal advice.

FleeceDetective · 05/03/2019 19:06

Were you actually working for his company to take the wages or was it A way for him to give you cash as a tax loophole?

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 05/03/2019 19:08

You need to watch he doesn’t declare himself bankrupt. The Trustee will come after his share of the house and you won’t be allowed to live there indefinitely.

lalaloopyhead · 05/03/2019 19:11

Did you sign a stock transfer form for the shares? There should have been a value attached to that.

Say you will give him financial disclosure in exchange for his, ie copy bank statements etc.

Mari50 · 05/03/2019 19:12

I take it he’s paying the mortgage at the moment? You need to get legal advice, MN is notorious for being a bit flaky when it comes to this kind of thing.

Whereareyouspot · 05/03/2019 19:12

Sounds like you need to downsize if you can’t afford that house alone

The 50:50 makes it very tricky as he won’t actually pay anything legally for the kids will he?

How big was the deposit you out forward? That might be the only card you hold

See a solicitor ASAP

TriciaH87 · 05/03/2019 19:19

Do not mess about contact the CMS and let them sort it. His telling the truth in that the mondy is company money. He did not contribute to your child it was a tax dodge. By paying it as a divided his company paid less tax and he kept his own money. His bills are his problem not your childs. Legally he has to still pay his share of the house as he owns half and cannot force you to sell until youngest child in it of his is 18. This does not come out of any maintenance he pays you which is basically what his saying by telling you he will pay you if he does not pay mortgage. So badically he keeps an equal share of your home and gets half when you sell meaning everything his paying for your childs up bringing he gets back once house sells with interest. See a solicitor for a 30 minute free consultation or citizens advice regarding that but please call cms first thing tomorrow.

DonPablo · 05/03/2019 19:19

Do you want to formalise your arrangements? Or do you want to carry on with a verbal agreement re contact and money?

If you want to keep it amicable I think he needs to see that he should pay for half of the kids shoes, haircuts, uniforms, swimming lessons. All the direct costs iyswim? And sort the mortgage out separately to that. I know this isn't how the CMS/courts would view it, but I'd struggle to remain amicable with someone that didn't pay for their own kids school uniform and shoes and stuff tbh.

It sounds like things have been working well for the two of you so far, what a shame he's being weird about money now.

Drum2018 · 05/03/2019 19:23

Is he living elsewhere and do the kids stay with him 45% of the time? If so then surely the amount of maintenance he should pay wouldn't be much. As for the house, is there any equity in it? Would it be better to sell it, pay off the mortgage, split profit and downsize for yourself and the kids? Obviously you'd have to talk to the bank to see if they'd give you a lesser mortgage in your own name.

Flip