To think parenting is mostly thankless

[crumpetsandacuppa]

Have only child who I love to death. Generally well behaved but at times tiring and demanding and whingy! Very happy with the one but also considering another but can't help but feel parenting is a largely thankless 'task'. AIBU to feel this way and to let this dictate whether I have a second child or not?

you choose to have children OP, you arent a martyr. why do you expect thanks?

I didn't realise toddlers were meant to bow to us mums in appreciation...... wow I missed a trick there!!

And no don't have another child if that's the way you feel as you'll have 2 to deal with and twice the thanklessness! You can't seem to deal with 1 lot of thanklessness so why double it?

Thankless task? I thought it was super fabulous, life affirming event and gave women SO much more meaning in life than they could possibly have without children?

Why bother having children if it is all so shitty, thankless and drudge?

They'll thank you when they're grown up, if you deserve it!

Honestly? I have a shit relationship with my mother so seeing that my work/effort/patience/stress/planning/renditions of I Had a Little Turtle results (so far - she's very young) in a good relationship with DD makes it worthwhile. Like, I am capable of this, I put good in and I get good out.

Obviously it's harder to hold on to that when she needs to be dragged out of Sainsbury's, but generally.

I was feeling quite flat about my parenting today but i've just 2 minutes ago read right through this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3525041-To-think-you-cant-really-enjoy-life-with-a-SEN-child and now i'm sitting here thanking my lucky stars and feeling like an idiot for moaning about the small stresses i've been through today.

I didn't want to put anything on that thread for fear of seeming condescending. But if any of you from over there are reading this here - [flowers[ You're all bloody amazing.

Honestly? If you feel that way with one child I really wouldn't have another. I LOVED being a Mum to a single child and found the joy she brought me more than made up for all the rubbish bits. Now I have two children and am finding the pay-off is much closer to call.... I live them both dearly, but generally only enjoy them individually. When it's just me and both of them I find it to be a non-stop whinge fest with an endless supply of bodily fluids... I never have a chance to stop and enjoy the lovely bits with one of them because the other one will invariably be crying, doing something borderline dangerous, demanding food/drink/potty/general attention etc. I REALLY hoping it gets better (please somebody tell me it does????)

My experience of toddler parenting is that it consists mostly of thankless tasks but the other bits - the smiles, the cuddles, the giggles, watching a little person evolve - more than balance it out. On balance, it's the most rewarding thing I've done.

If you'd asked me during bath time, I may have agreed with you.

I don't know. I chose to have DS because I thought he was enrich my life (and he has). I don't find it really thankless based on the definitions:

adjective
(of a job or task) difficult or unpleasant and not likely to bring one pleasure or the appreciation of others."being an umpire is a thankless job"

of a person) not expressing or feeling gratitude."thankless children"

What age is your child, OP? My 9 year old frequently gives me random hugs and tells me how lucky he is to have me as his Mum, how much he loves me, 'you're the best Mum' etc It's a lovely feeling! Although if he didn't do that then it wouldn't be a factor in deciding on whether to have another child or not If you have a toddler or even younger school age then of course you are not likely to be getting any kind of appreciation back at that stage. Anyway, is that why you have kids? To make yourself feel validated and appreciated?

Babies and toddlers maybe but even then it has its moments.

Certainly not once they get a bit bigger. My children thank me when I do stuff for them, they might not necessarily notice all of the "Mum" stuff underpinning their lives but they notice and appreciate enough.

I have raised two excellent young men who respect those around them, my heart occasionally feels like it may burst with pride at the way they move through the world.

Definitely not thankless. Tiring, sometimes difficult and worrying, but never thankless.

Parenting is one of the few jobs where your goal is to make yourself obsolete.

Of course it is a thankless task. Don't ever expect your children to thank you for having them! Having children is a 100% selfish act.

If, a long time in the future, they actually appreciate you for your role in their lives and they love and want to spend time with you - big bonus!

Tbh I get what you mean when it comes to babies. It's both thankless and relentless.

However, my own experience is that as they grow older, is that whilst bringing new challenges it's far from either of those things.

I got a huge smile, hug and "thank you" from my teen son today just for making his favourite dinner.

I actually get those moments quite a lot (despite the bad rap teens seem to get).

I never had a child to be thanked - being truthful having a child is arguably a very selfish urge on an over populated planet - but it's very nice when it happens.

A pp did remind me of a saying my DM quoted to me once "the joy of being a grandparent is the payback for years of being a parent"

I think some respondents have been wilfully obtuse and unkind in their reading of your post. I think sub "relentless" for "thankless" and perhaps not posting in AIBU and you'd have got different replies. I didn't read it as you're expecting actual thanks from your child, more that you feel on a basic level parenting can be a grind.

I have seen many threads on MN where women say they feel worn down or overwhelmed by the day-in day-out intensity and drudgery of caring for small children and the peripheral house / life stuff that comes with it and get a lot of empathy. How many people comment saying they could never be a SAHM or were climbing the walls by the end of Mat leave because they found being at home with babies / toddlers isolating and dull?

My own experience so far of parenting a 3 and a 1 year old (the latter yet to sleep through which definitely colours my outlook) is that is mostly drudge but made worthwhile for those perfect moments whether it be seeing your child learn something new or just giving you a sloppy kiss. BUT on a day to day level I sometimes find it very wearing. Sometimes how I feel can change in the space of an hour when one moment it can feel the most wondrous, life-affirming experience then rapidly spiral into inane, repetitive and frustrating.

Today oldest DC declared "lovely dinner mummy" while heartily tucking in - this filled me with joy, but then a second later youngest DC hurled her untouched plate across the kitchen spraying gravy and broccoli lumps with impressive range - I could've wept. I'm a a SAHM and sometimes feel I spend more of my life on my knees picking up food off the bastarding kitchen floor than I do anything else. It's this sort of stuff - it's relentless!

But back to your post - it depends, do you feel the love for your DC outweighs the "thanklessness"? If not, then a second child probably isn't for you. I figure that a lot of the weariness I feel now will pass as they get past the stage of needing me less for the more basic aspects of self care. Also getting back to work, having lots of solid night's sleep, a social life that doesn't happen at a toddler group would all help....Oldest DC can take themselves to the loo, help with small tasks and have some genuinely interesting conversations now so I see some hope for the future.

^ this exactly

But back to your post - it depends, do you feel the love for your DC outweighs the "thanklessness

Yes I absolutely do. And you're spot on with how you interpreted my post, thank you

For me personally there are much more ‘thankless’ tasks! My 3 (3.7,10) are really good at saying ‘thanks mum’ and my 3 yo is going through a phase of saying ‘you’re the best mum in the world’.
I appreciate it may not always be so and of course it’s still bloody tough at times but I am enjoying it while it lasts!

Curious to know how old your DC is. Toddler stage is a route march but now DS is bigger I'm getting appreciation and it makes my heart burst sometimes.

They're learning so much, sometimes it takes them longer to figure out that you get more flies from honey than vinegar

I think a great deal depends on the personality of your child tbh. Parenting mine does feel mainly like a series of making her do things she doesn't want to do. So I can see where you are coming from. On the other hand I am regularly surprised by how reasonable other people's DC are!

Yep, a lot of what we do as parents is thankless. But that’s not why we do what we do

It’s the little things that I have always adored and hung on to. The love yous, the hugs.

Right now with my eldest it’s just amazing to see the young man he is becoming. He’s a very quiet person, that’s how he’s always been labelled. But I see his confidence building, he knows he is doing well and is not afraid to say so ( when asked at parents evening, he’d never volunteer it!) and that to me is awesome.He’s really beginning to understand who he is as a person in this world and it’s amazing to see.

I have one, now adult. Thanks are not necessary but it is touching when thanks are given, and even more so when you realise that the 'child' must have appreciated what you did, because she is doing exactly the same. Or the same but better.

I bloody love it. Best thing I have ever done, and I did not lead a life void of meaning or achievement before having her. I have had awful days, both initially when she was a colicky miserable newborn (undiagnosed allergies it turns out) and I felt I was failing her, and for the first 1.5 years she slept like shit and I was so tired it was not always easy to feel the joy - but by Christ she's so marvelous. I'm always surprised by the "toddler years are hell" thing - she's 2 now and funnier every day, now we can talk to each other and she can be (to a degree) reasoned with - it's getting easier rather than harder. I get so much out of being her mum, I sometimes have to go up and hug her dad and thank him for making it possible to have all this. Yes I'm being nauseating. But it's all true. When I think how much of my life has been spent doing things that don't matter for people who don't care (in both work and in my personal life) being able to provide for the needs of someone who thinks I'm the best thing ever is the absolute opposite of thankless (even when she's lying naked on the carpet giggling and refusing to let me put a nappy on and I just KNOW she's going to piss on it in a moment). Being a mother has made me. And god knows, when it's hard it's bloody unbelievably hard so if I didn't feel that way no chance would have another one.

One thing I will say though re a pp mentioning possible pancake disaster: whenever I plan a picture perfect "mother daughter moment" or "special treat" I'm expecting her to love and be on board with I'm always disappointed and this can be a bit deflating. So went "baby's first hot chocolate" (flatly refused to drink it), visit to the Ferris wheel (cranky and not interested), planting spring flowers in the hanging baskets this weekend (she did one, lost interest and then wanted to go inside and then wanted to bunk off and watch Peppa Pig 🙄).

The magic happens spontaneously or it doesn't happen at all; I'm learning to just roll with that and not try and be an Instamum, even in the privacy of my own head - I can't "make memories" for her or us; she's the one making them, and I just have to catch them as they come by. I can imagine pancake Day would be another bear trap like this, something I would build up and be excited about only to find it just a messy, frustrating sob-fest never to be repeated!

Lovely posts names. I feel similar.

My little boy is nine weeks old. It can be hard work occasionally, but I am actually thankful. Having him has made my life a million times better. He is amazing and getting a smile from him melts my heart. My social life has never been better! OK so it is baby related, but I've met so many new people and have loads of activities to do each day! I have no desire to go back to work. I just love it!