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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if there's more to this coffee invitation?

30 replies

MaiaRindell · 05/03/2019 15:14

A male colleague has asked me to meet him for coffee at the weekend. He is working temporarily at another branch of the company so not someone I have seen often for the last six months or so. He is very nice. We usually have a laugh if we work together. But I have never seen him socially and I don't speak to him often.

He confided in me that he and his wife have separated. He says he doesn't have many friends he can speak to and would like to chat to me about things. I am divorced so he'd like to "share stories". I am meeting him on Sunday. It never occurred to me that there was anything more to this than him looking for a friend. I mentioned this to my friend who says I'm being naive, and she asked me why he'd choose to go for coffee with a single female he doesn't know that well. Now I'm questioning it.
I realise I sound like a teenager here, but I am now confused and doubting my take on this. I know his wife too and would hate to feel awkward.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 05/03/2019 15:18

A coffee won't hurt but I don't think I would go so soon after his split up if I knew the wife. Shit can get messy, rumours can start and there's a very good chance he's looking for a fuck to make himself feel better. This can happen with either sex.

Up to you man. The assumption that you would want to 'share stories' of a personal nature would put me off.

OlennasWimple · 05/03/2019 15:21

Do you want to be an emotional crutch to him?

Do you want a romantic / sexual relationship with him?

If the answer to either of these is no, then probably best to skip the coffee

I'm not saying that he's absolutely after more than a coffee, but do you even want to be very good friends with him?

NameChanger1985 · 05/03/2019 15:21

He could genuinely enjoy your company & value your advice. You can gauge his intentions on Sunday. If you meet up & he's flirty etc you know he's got an ulterior motives. See how it goes.

rritchie44 · 05/03/2019 15:22

My friend (who was divorced for years) got together with her current fiance after he suggested they get a coffee together while he was separating from his wife... I'd say he is making a move on you.

VenetiaHall · 05/03/2019 15:23

I think your friend is being a bit cynical. Men can be looking for friends and support during difficult times as well! He's in a difficult place having recently separated, he gets on well with you, and thinks you might be able to sympathise or offer advice, having been through similar.

Yeah ok maybe he is looking to crack on with you, but if it were me in your position it wouldn't be my first thought. If he does say or do something you're not comfortable with then surely you cross that bridge when you come to it but he may genuinely just be looking for a friend.

Original poster

MaiaRindell · 05/03/2019 15:24

He is not the flirty, shagging type.

I think he is a bit lost and lonely and of course I would speak to him if it would help. He's genuinely lovely. But I would feel nervous if these intentions were obviously romantic. I'm not sure a coffee invitation is necessarily a sign of that.

OP posts:

waterandlemonjuice · 05/03/2019 15:24

Hmmm, I’d be cynical tbh

Original poster

MaiaRindell · 05/03/2019 15:25

@ventiahall I agree with you. I was worried I was being foolish.

OP posts:

VenetiaHall · 05/03/2019 15:26

You are the one who knows him, not your mate and certainly not any of us on MN. Go with your gut.

Claw001 · 05/03/2019 15:26

Ask him?

VenetiaHall · 05/03/2019 15:28

I just feel a bit sad that if DH and I separated, or if my son and his partner separated, and they asked a friend for an innocent coffee because they are feeling like shit, that friend would say 'nah,
not going to support you. You have a penis so you clearly want to stick it in me'

sonjadog · 05/03/2019 15:29

Just go and see. Maybe he is looking for exactly what he is saying now, maybe he is secretly interested in you. No way to tell in advance. If he is someone you would like to support in this way, then meet up on Sunday. If you get there and it turns out that he actually wants a romantic relationship, then say no thanks.

sonjadog · 05/03/2019 15:30

I agree, Venetia.

Wedgiecar58 · 05/03/2019 15:31

I dont think if he was trying to seduce you he would use sob stories about his break up. He probably genuinely is looking for some support, and as someone thats been through a divorce he thinks you'll have some encouraging words or wisdom for him.

Hadalifeonce · 05/03/2019 15:34

Just go, if it feels uncomfortable you can leave. We all seem very quick to think the worst of people currently.

Original poster

MaiaRindell · 05/03/2019 15:40

@venetiahall My friend does know him. She used to work here.

Either way I will go and listen. I would just like to feel prepared.

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/03/2019 15:45

Do you actually want to go?

Or are you going because you think it is the polite thing to do, you smehow feel obliagted to be helpful and nice?

ONLY GO if you actually WANT to and would ENJOY spending some of your time out of work being pleasant to a work colleague. That way iot won't matter what his intentions are, you will not be annoyed at having wasted your own time and energy!

downcasteyes · 05/03/2019 15:46

I think you're right to go in the spirit that you are going: with the idea of helping someone you see as a friend. If he wants to explore more and you don't, then you're a grown woman and perfectly capable of politely, firmly and kindly drawing a boundary that sets things straight. Relationships are not set in stone by men and male desires - we can mould them too.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/03/2019 15:50

The fact he's asked you to go for an afternoon coffee and not a boozy lunch/drink/evening/dinner makes me assume he just wants a chat and a friendly ear.

NameChanger1985 · 05/03/2019 15:54

Good point GreenFingers if he had an ulterior motive he would be more likely to suggest an evening/alcohol type mwet up rather than a Sunday afternoon coffee. I genuinely think he's looking for a friend & some advice/support.

DarlingNikita · 05/03/2019 15:54

I basically agree with Venetia, but I do see that it might be a sensitive situation.

I'd go (it's a very neutral and 'safe' invitation, daytime coffee), but I'd be very clear in my own mind from the start what my motivations were e.g. to support him and be a friend.

JakeBallardswife · 05/03/2019 15:57

It’s just coffee, if you enjoy his company & you’re free on Sunday I’d go.

It’s nice to make new friends

dorisdog · 05/03/2019 16:11

Maybe he's looking for a sexual partner. I'd be more concerned that he's hoping for a lot of 'emotional labour' from a woman to tell all his woes to. Remember friends swap stories and emotional support, so if you're find you're doing the donkey share, it's not a real friendship, just a way for him to feel better.

Maybe just see how it goes? I have lots of great male friends, so it has to start somewhere. Maybe just have some boundaries planned before hand.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/03/2019 16:17

I'd go. If he's just looking for a shag you'll know soon enough and you can shut him down. A more worrisome thing would be if he formed a rebound attachment to you down the line when all you want is to be a friend. Just be careful not to blur any lines.

Chocmallows · 05/03/2019 16:21

I would go and chat as a friend. If he starts to flirt you could bring the conversation back down and / or find an excuse to leave.

A "what if" that occurred to me is that perhaps he thinks you may be compatible as a couple, he didn't say before as he wanted to try to save his marriage. Said marriage is now over and he would like to know you better. Initially as friends as you get on well.

You are both single so therefore a friendship that could evolve is fine?

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