For wanting to move near my parents?

[Anon99925th]

Throwaway as quite a specific story.

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. When we met I lived in London, him in another part of the country and I left London to live with him. I've always wanted to move south to live near my parents eventually , and this was never ruled out by him and I thought he might return the favour and it would be a possibility in the future.

Fast forward to now, we still live on that same place and we've just had our first child. Over the past 5 years I've mentioned about moving and he's always been resistant. Whilst i was pregnant he told me in no uncertain that he will never move. He has an unwell brother who still lives at home with his parents, and he told me he feels like he would be abandoning him.

I now feel totally trapped where we live and still want to move for various reasons, including:

• the property prices in the area of the country we live in are ridiculous. We could live elsewhere and have a larger house with better access to facilities. At the moment we are semi rural because we can't afford to get anywhere near the city

• maybe this makes me an awful person and I grapple with this a lot, but I earn double what he earns and have the opportunity to progress my career. I also work from home so can basically live anywhere. He uses the 'money is everything' line, but I've worked hard to get where I am and I want to give my child the most I can , whereas in his role he'll never earn much although he does really enjoy it

• my mother would be able to provide us with free childcare 2 days a week. Living where we are , we are faced with 3 days of paid childcare and him going part time so he could look after our child 2 days a week, so losing a big chunk of his salary. His family cannot help with childcare as they are unreliable and a bit dysfunctional. I have no option to go part time as we'd have an even bigger drop in income and we have a mortgage to pay. He insists that I could do so but his full time salary would only just cover out outgoings.

• His brothers illness is stable and he has his parents to look our for him. If anything, he might need us later in life when his parents aren't around, so I feel now is the time to move rather than later.

I feel like I could tolerate these things when I was just me and him, but now I feel as though he isn't putting our child and our family first. I've mentioned this and he has actually accused me of 'having this all planned out' and that I'm trying to 'steal his child away from him' . He becomes quite depressed at the thought of moving and living with that is awful so I just tend to drop it until a few months later when the issue will inevitably come up again.

Our child is 3 months now and I accept perhaps it's not a good time to move but the thought of it never happening upsets me and I feel it may break us. He's always lived where he lives and I think there's a big part of him that is terrified of change, although he denies this.

AIBU for wanting to move?

No YANBU at all and it sounds like he agreed it was something you could consider until you got pregnant when he changed his mind to a hard no and hoped you’d think you were trapped. Which is a dick move.

Your reasons all make complete sense. As you aren’t married you’d be mad to give up ft work as well so don’t.

Yeah it's breeding a lot of resentment in me and sometimes I feel like I should just nip it in the bud.

Well, he either gives it serious consideration or you sell and you move to where you want and leave him to do what he wants.
He's had it all his way so far.
Time for you now!
At 3 months old, this is the BEST time to move.

YANBU

Lots of couples happily live separately during the week for work reasons. If he won't move, would he be happy with that? You move to where you have childcare and he stays where he is and comes to you at weekends? Obviously that depends on finances.

Is this the only issue? What's the rest of the relationship like?

YANBU it sounds a very frustrating situation

Seriously. A few things.

One of you is not going to be living near their parents. It sounds like you are growing apart., and maybe you realise the whole deal was a mistake. Haven't you been able to develop any sort of social network where you live?

Why do you assume your mother will give you free child care. Is it all semi-sorted?

Finally, I don't understand where you can be living to be able to move south, but have an easier financial situation.

YAnbu.
He’s holding you back, limiting your earnings potential and making you miserable. Something has to give or the resentment will only get worse.

Whatever you choose, do it soon while your dc is too young to even notice.

I haven't developed much of a social network here as I've either been commuting to London or working from home and unfortunately, I'm not great at making friends outside of work (although have a few around from baby groups etc). So that doesn't help.

Gth1234, we're in Cambridge. A terraced house is half a million. There are many places south of here that are significantly cheaper.

My mum works part time and can shift her hours around to look after the littlun, whereas OH's mum doesn't work at all but still can't help...another bug bear.

The great of our relationship is absolutely fine and he's an absolutely doting and attentive dad, but the cynical side of me says he's putting in extra effort because he knows what my intentions are and wants to persuade me not to move becauae hes being so awfully helpful.

At this point I've no idea how to approach it though. I've told him so many times I want to move and it always end in tears.

Does anyone have any bright ideas about how to approach it or do I just need to be hard nosed?

YANBU for wanting to move but YABU for calling it a 'bugbear' that his DM won't provide you with free childcare. She's already responsible for an unwell son. How old is he?
I think I would have sorted all this out before tying yourself to him with a child tbh.

You played a good hand very badly. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to willingly move, your going to have to decide if it’s a deal breaker.

How far away from your parents are you? Could you move somewhere in the middle. Point out you moved for him now the baby is here you need support from your family as his family have too much to do supporting his brother you cannot expect them to help support you as well. Ultimately its a discussion you need to have and decide whats more important being a family or a postcode. If you do stay put he needs to remember he has his own family to put above his brother now. Your child is his responsibility the same as his brother is his parents.

Neither of you are wrong but it sounds like there might not be a compromise position.

Presumably he will have to find another job if you move? Also I wouldn't rely on getting childcare from your mum. MN is littered with posts from people who moved to get family childcare only to find it never materialised, or their family member couldn't provide it full time or was fine looking after a baby but found a toddler too tiring.

Also, him needing to be around for brother, especially as his parents get older is a very real concern. Would you really move back to support him later in life, when you and the DC are settled? I somehow doubt it.

I don’t either of you are being particularly unreasonable. You both want the same thing, to live near family, but it’s not possible for you both to get what you want. You’re already starting resent him, he’ll probably resent you if he moves away from him family and has to give up his job, friends etc. I think you should seriously consider couples counselling.

And it’s already been said but you are being v v unreasonable to describe his mother not providing childcare as a ‘bug bear’ when she’s caring for her unwell son.

You need to sort it now. If you go back to work full time and he goes part time he will be the 'primary carer', which means in the event you get totally fed up and want to split, you'll probably end up having to leave the child with him and you become the non-resident parent. Hopefully you won't split if you love each other, but be wary.

I've always wanted to move south to live near my parents eventually , and this was never ruled out by him and I thought he might return the favour and it would be a possibility in the future

This is a really hard situation OP, and I do feel for you not living near your support network. But from what you have written above it sounds like there was never a concrete discussion about you both moving to London together. So he hasn't really gone back on anything - not ruling something out does not mean agreeing to it, rather it is a stalling tactic - and I think for me that would have set off alarm bells and been a deal breaker. But as you now have a child together, it's much more complicated! It doesn't really sound like a compromise can be reached. So I don't know what the solution is. If he has never lived in London and has no ties there, and you have been seemingly happy in Cambridge for five years, I can see why he is reluctant to move, although that's not fair to you.

For what it's worth, lots of people (me included) live in expensive parts of the country and don't have any parental help, and we muddle through. The childcare years are relatively short in the grand scheme of things, so although it would be nice for you to have that help now, looking at the bigger picture, is your relationship worth ending over this, or can you give up on your desire to move back home? What a horrible situation OP, hope you can resolve it one way or another!

You moved to live with your bf yet the fact that he never agreed, but didn't rule out moving to be near your parents in the future, tells me it was never in his plans. He just thought that once you'd moved to his area of the country you'd get used to life there and change your mind or just not think about it again.

Neither of you will be happy in the long run. I think this is going to be a deal breaker in the near future and I that you do need to decide now what you want to do.

I can see what your bf means about taking your DC away. It's a shame this situation wasn't resolved before a child came into the equation.

Is there any way you could compromise by living in between both sets of parents with maybe a view to bf's brother living with you in the future if needs be?

Anon,

"I've told him so many times I want to move and it always ends in tears"

You should both have discussed this until it was resolved rather than it ending up with tears and remaining unresolved.

I sense from your posts that you are very committed to moving so I think you are going to have to be hard-nosed. Make your decision which I think will be to move near to your parents and your bf will then be forced to make the decision as to whether to move or not.

This stalemate will just continue otherwise and you will be the one who is unhappy. Best to do this now while your child is very young, especially if it results in you and your bf splitting.

It's only an hour and half drive London to cambridge. Why don't you live somewhere in the middle? Hertfordshire Maybe? Trains to both London and Cambridge in 45 mins?

OP, I get where you're coming from as I'm in a similar situation, although we are happy where we are for now, both our careers are progressing well and we have a nice house, dc settled etc so my desire to move isn't at the forefront atm but I would like to at some stage for extended family support.

Cambridge is not that far from London (fast train 50mins to kings cross etc). Could your mother travel to you on a Sunday and stay until Tuesday evening (or whatever combo) and provide childcare ? Would that be an option? How would your dp respond to something like that and would he like his mil in your home? Cambridge is expensive but 2 bed terraces in Romsey area for example aren't your only options. There are plenty of 3 bed semis within the city under 400k (still crazy I know!) if you did want to buy.

Is there any reason you are living so close to the city in cambridge? My mum lives about 20 mins drive away and has a 300k fully detached house with huge garden.

It's a difficult situation, when you say his brother is ill, are we talking terminal, or learning difficulty, etc.

I am in a similar situation but minus baby currently. DP said for the last 4 years that he wants to live anywhere but here so I moved to him in the safe knowledge that we will be moving. Now he says he will never move despite me hating it here and finding no friends / support here.

He made it seem like he was open to possibly moving. Now he has changed the goal posts completely.youve lived near his parents for along time. Now it’s your turn to get what you want. Tell him you’re moving with or without him

I lived down the road from my DHs parents for more than 7 years in London - I had no friends, social or support network and after I had DS1 I had PND and my mental health really suffered.

When I got pregnant with DS2 I was determined to move closer to my parents, close to friends and family and away from the local winos, pollution and rising crime levels (so not just the MIL!). We thought moving equidistant to both parents would be fair.

The MIL was furious and insisted that we live close to one set of parents for support. She shot herself in the foot though as we picked mine and a happier life outside of London!

Never looked back - if it's affecting your MH then you need to tell your DP that you've moved for his needs, now it's time to return the favour.

I would lay out what you want/need and see if he can propose a solution that takes both of you into account. A compromise position, either halfway between or a house nearer your parents but with room for his brother to visit regularly and provide respite for his parents/ move into in the future. Do you currently have room for your mum to stay with you and look after DC regularly?

It doesn't sound like you've tried to make friends or establish a life where you are. You have just endured it. That is on you, what a waste of five years. It is also unlikely that the support network you left in London is still there, unchanged.

I think you are coming from different positions, you are choosing freedom and a situation where people do more for you, he is choosing duty and a feeling he needs to do more for his brother. I think if you are saying to him "if we don't move soon, your brother might end up living with us," what he us hearing is "I don't care about your brother." You need to really listen and communicate better. The "putting us first now," is a deeply unpleasant argument from you, implying he hadn't been until now and that your preferences must outweigh even the care needs of another person. I don't think supporting a disabled DB is hugely different than if he had DCs in the area, when the MN consensus would be to suck it up and own your decision to move there in the first place.

He sounds a nice guy, perhaps scared of change, but you haven't embraced change either so you have that in common. Be kinder to each other and really try to listen, I can't believe there isn't a compromise, Cambridge is hardly that far North.

cakeycake
"Lots of couples happily live separately during the week for work reasons. If he won't move, would he be happy with that? You move to where you have childcare and he stays where he is and comes to you at weekends? "

Why assume the baby will live with Mum, when the Dad provides two days of childcare?

Why should the Dad be happy with being told to go full time and someone else do childcare?

Many Women wouldn't be. Why shouldn't the Dad have the opportunity for part time work in the first 12 months, similar to a maternity leave?

OP, if you can work from home, anywhere, then do you want to move just for a better house and free childcare?

What is life like in your location for children, when compared to where you want to move to?

There is more to life than money.