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Original poster

Protecting myself financially in event of divorce

77 replies

user1461609321 · 05/03/2019 04:43

Hi everyone

Just awake in the small hours...... needing some advice re impending house purchase which is being done solely in my name though I am married

Husband is unemployed and has been for several years stating that he is trying to set up a business abroad

I have financially supported us for over 10 years whilst he has basically been a SAHD

I have put up all the money for the deposit and will be paying the mortgage alone whilst still in effect giving him an income

We have 2 school age children, but wanted to know where I would legally stand if we were to divorce property wise.

No current pension and all savings will have gone into house

Is there anything that I can do to protect myself and children financially prior to house purchase in the event of a divorce?

I am not presently looking to separate but want to make an informed decision where possible

OP posts:
Queenunikitty · 05/03/2019 07:25

Think of it as being a safe home for your kids if anything happens to you. Suggest your husband looks at retraining or getting a part time job to lessen your resentment. Most of the marriages around me that fail happen because of this, husband resents funding the wife’s SAH lifestyle. It’s why I’ve always worked. Good luck OP.

ColeHawlins · 05/03/2019 07:25

I think she is (deservedly) being ripped to pieces, isn't she?

Original poster
user1461609321 · 05/03/2019 07:27

Just to clarify, I give him at least £400 pw pay most household things though he does pay insurance and some bills, the rest he has invested/ wasted on his business

I know I sound horrible but I have saved and pinched pennies to gather deposit, now to realise that though I am trying to be sensible with my cash, he can be reckless with his as he will still get half of my assets- just seems unfair

OP posts:
Boom76 · 05/03/2019 07:28

Can’t believe someone accused a SAHD of being a cocklodger. What are SAHM then?

Quartz2208 · 05/03/2019 07:30

You need to separate out I think everything else and the business

Everything else is one person has stayed at home looking at the kids (and the house as you don’t mention housework) enabling you to work and get the money needed - this is normal
The business bit: this presumably enabled him to do something whilst looking after the kids. Are they school age perhaps agree that he dedicates a year or two of proper time to it and if it doesn’t go anywhere tries to find a job

Being a Sahp is not being unemployed though

BatsAreCool · 05/03/2019 07:31

I know I sound horrible

Yes you do. If you don't like it divorce him now and take the hit. Then anything you earn from then on you can do exactly what you like.

If you don't like your husband, and you don't sound like you do, why have you waited this long and not left? Was it because it suited you when you were earning to have someone at home?

Original poster
user1461609321 · 05/03/2019 07:32

Kids are school age, youngest 6

OP posts:
ColeHawlins · 05/03/2019 07:33

Can’t believe someone accused a SAHD of being a cocklodger. What are SAHM then?

Well she didn't seem completely convinced he WAS a SAHP (it turns out he really is). She called him "unemployed". But, yes, I get it now; he's a real SAHP and she's a real cow.

EssentialHummus · 05/03/2019 07:34

He is working for it though OP, if he’s at home with the kids and actually meeting their needs.

ColeHawlins · 05/03/2019 07:36

Kids are school age, youngest 6

So he's being caring for preschoolers until very recently?

givemesteel · 05/03/2019 07:37

I think the biggest thing that you can do is talk to him about just getting a normal job as this business abroad thing is obviously never going to happen if it's been 10 years.

He will still be entitled to half the combined estate (are you starting to see that's fair enough?) but at least if he's working you wouldn't have to pay him (as much) maintenance. But then you'd either have to do some of the school pickups / drops yourself or use paid childcare, which may /may not be then worth him working depending on his earning potential.

Inliverpool1 · 05/03/2019 07:37

My kids have needed me more of school age, especially going through a divorce

Bumpitybumper · 05/03/2019 07:38

I think you have done well to recognise how you feel about the situation as it will stop resentment building.

I think it's fair to say that as you're married your DH would legally (and morally) be entitled to his fair share of the marital assets. He has clearly contributed towards the family by looking after the DC which has enabled you to build a career and consequently a good salary. This is a pretty common setup as lots of family choose to have one parent more focused on the family/DC allowing the other to maximise their earnings secure in the knowledge the children are being well looked after and aren't in childcare for excessive hours etc.

I think you need to question why you therefore think you should be entitled to more than your DH? Do you think his contribution is worth a lot less than yours because he doesn't receive payment? Do you want him to continue being a SAHD if you don't value what he is currently devoting his time and effort to?

Original poster
user1461609321 · 05/03/2019 07:39

Ok Mumsnet jury! I am convinced I need to be more balanced in my views! I am happy to accept when I am wrong and unexpectedly feel better about your responses as was getting so caught up in not being taken advantage of.

It's so unusual being a female breadwinner and sometimes I struggle with this set up and tend to vary between being great full for his love and support to feeling embarrassed and 'put upon' that my husband isn't the breadwinner

I promise that I am not a total bitch! And speaking to anyone in real life would feel like a betrayal of him so I don't

So great full for this anonymous forum Grin

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/03/2019 07:40

If the youngest is 6 presumably the oldest is nearly 10 so he has been doing the business alongside parenting which is perfectly normal. And even now I suspect getting a job wouldn’t be easy as he does all of the school runs

Housework OP what’s the split there

MissedTheBoatAgain · 05/03/2019 07:40

but a tiny part of me feels like this is all unfair and that nobody just gets 'given' half a property that they didn't work for!

This is a classic NotBeingRobbed comment. In my case ex wife (who never worked in the 18 years were were together) got 70% of assets based on fact that I can earn per day what she can earn per month and there was a 10 year old child to house.

Does it bother me? No it does not as what I have saved since the Divorce 3 years ago balances the difference in assets. So from now onwards I will be roaring ahead.

as he will still get half of my assets- just seems unfair

But the point is they are not solely your assets, but jointly owned as you are married. However, that does not oblige the courts to split 50:50.

That you can provide husband £400 pw pocket money, but still pay most household things and save for a deposit suggests to me that you earn a lot. So possible that as historically he is the Stay At Home Parent he may be awarded more than 50% of the assets?

Can’t believe someone accused a SAHD of being a cocklodger. What are SAHM then?

I am curious to hear an answer to that question too.

Original poster
user1461609321 · 05/03/2019 07:42

Quatrtz oldest is only 7, kids are 18 months apart

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/03/2019 07:43

And housework?

Original poster
user1461609321 · 05/03/2019 07:44

Housework is evenly split, he cooks most nights as has bathed and fed kids before I get in and is often doing homework with them as I walk through the door

OP posts:
ColeHawlins · 05/03/2019 07:45

m curious to hear an answer to that question too.

Try RTFT.

Quartz2208 · 05/03/2019 07:50

Yep so pretty much a decent sahd who is trying a business on the side

Does it make any money or a loss

ScoobyCan · 05/03/2019 07:50

Are you my STBXH?

MissedTheBoatAgain · 05/03/2019 07:53

To OP

That you have acknowledged that a SAHP (Stay At Home Parent) makes a contribution to the family is good. However, moving ahead I think you need to take note of this post:

I think the biggest thing that you can do is talk to him about just getting a normal job as this business abroad thing is obviously never going to happen if it's been 10 years

Once the youngest child reaches age 7 the courts would expect him to seek part time work in the event of a Divorce. So why not start now? Maybe the skills he was hoping to use for the overseas business can help him find a Job?

Xenia · 05/03/2019 07:53

It says you are married. My husband got about 60% of our assets despite working full time as I earned more and he has to pay nothing for the children.

You could sign a post nup which may help if you both have separate solicitors and that could eg agree certain terms to favour you and you could own the house as tenants in common not joint tenants with your share at say 60%. I think if you went too much higher the post nup would not be respected by the courts and even 60% to you is pushing it as he is a house husband who does not work.
May be you could both agree that part of the house say a third or even a half goes in trust for the children if the mortgage lender allows with your parents or siblings as trustees as another option.

However any such changes should be done before you buy as after a transfer on a property with a mortgage attracts stamp duty on that change.

BatsAreCool · 05/03/2019 07:55

So he looks after the children and tries to run a business on the side (probably because he knows his DW resents him) and you want to leave him with little financial security in the event of a divorce because you are the big earner.

This is why I don't think being a SAHP is a good idea in any partnership because too often the earner resents everything and wants to leave them with very little despite them getting an easy life because of the setup.

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