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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be worried about my 4 year old DS having difficulty making friends?

14 replies

mockorangey · 04/03/2019 23:19

Background: DS is 4.5, late August born, and started reception in September. It took him about half a term to settle in, and since then he seems to have loved it and is doing well in reading and maths.

His teacher mentioned at parents' evening in autumn that he tended to play by himself. I wasn't too worried as he was still young and he seemed happy enough anyway. She put him in a "social group", where I guess a handful of children who need help with social interactions are put together to help develop some skills. After this he started to talk about one boy quite often.

Parent's evening last week - teacher said he still mostly plays alone and is quite quiet generally. Alongside this, he came home in a really grumpy mood last week and eventually told me that no one wants to play with him. I have told him to try and suggest a game the other child might like, or to find someone who doesn't have anyone to play with and play with them. He tried this today with no success.

I chatted to the teacher today, and she said she will try and facilitate some interactions within the classroom. She said he always tends to approach the same boy (the one from his social group), but that boy often doesn't want to play as they have different interests.

He's been to a couple of whole class parties recently. At one he kept coming back to me because no one wanted to play with him. At the other, DH said he had a good time but mostly was flitting around/playing by himself. DH thinks he tends to "get in peoples' faces", and noted that he was going up to other children with his chest thrust out to show them the light on his superhero outfit. He can be quite immature in this way - for example he tries to be friendly in playground before school and will approach other children, but often says something like "look, I have green gloves on", or "my grandma lives 200 miles away".

He has had one playdate so far and I'm starting to arrange others. I'm not sure how they will go, as I haven't seen much evidence of him playing cooperatively with other children (more often just running around after each other), but then I guess I don't see him with other kids that often really. I'm also not sure if he has many interests in common with his classmates. He is not sporty at all and isn't interested in football. In terms of tv, he has always just been obsessed with one show at a time and rejects watching anything else. Since he turned 3, the main shows he has watched are Disney Cars, Paw Patrol, and now Numberblocks. He spends a lot of time playing with plastic numberblocks that he got from a magazine, and drawing pictures of them. I've tried to get him to watch things like Rescue Bots in the hope he will have something to talk to his classmates about, but not much success so far.

If anyone has any tips on developing his social skills I would be grateful. I can't stop worrying about him at the moment and wondering how he is doing at school.

OP posts:
Fanjango · 04/03/2019 23:25

He may just be young for his age and be taking slightly longer to "get" the social skills. The other possibility is a neurological difference, query asd? Reading between the lines ( I may be completely wrong) you seem to have something on your mind to that effect. Ask school senco to observe and/or refer if you are at all concerned.

mockorangey · 04/03/2019 23:40

Those are basically the two possibilities we have come up with. Re: taking a while to get the social stuff - there are other summer borns in his class who dont seem to have the same problem, though I guess he could just be further behind. Re: ASD - DH and I have both said for a while now that we wouldn't be surprised if he had ASD. Having said that, we have no experience of ASD. He is our first child and there is obviously a huge range of normal, and he is still very young.

OP posts:
Fanjango · 04/03/2019 23:48

I have two on the spectrum, another possible and one definitely neurotypical. Both diagnosed are very different to each other but it's common that social skills are one of the issues cited. Every school will have a senco and that's who you should ask to have a meeting with. A chat with them about your concerns, failing that see your GP and ask them to refer. Many areas have long waits for asd testing so I would get the request in sooner rather than later. The earlier these issues are picked up the sooner you can try and get extra support and the better the outcome likely.

Cranky17 · 04/03/2019 23:59

He sounds young and inexperienced socially, and he is only young so of the children will be nearly a whole year ahead of him.
I think continue with the play dates.

My ds found reception so hard, I remember watching him on the playground, standing to the side watching the children play, nearly broke my heart. He was/is very anxious. He would say he had no one to play with. We had chats about what he could do and one of the main strategies we use was ‘don’t wait to be asked to play, just join in’ trying to explain that no one will stop their game to include you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want you to play. And the other one was don’t try to change the game, join in with what everyone else is doing.

And play dates a lot, different children, chat with the mums.

It has got better and he plays nicely and has a good solid set of friends. I always have this niggle that he may has asd but no one else ever felt the same

Davespecifico · 05/03/2019 00:06

Try this questionnaire.
psychology-tools.com/test/cast

SatsumaFan · 05/03/2019 00:06

I'm in the same boat as you OP (tho my Reception DS is January born so is now 5).

He is so anxious and only plays with one boy. If he's off sick he says he has No one to play with. I keep saying he should make new friends but he's super shy and struggles. He still keeps getting invited to birthday parties (all from girls...he has refused to go to them all as hates parties. So now I'm worried he won't get invited ever again.) tho and seems popular when I help in class.

It's so hard Sad

mockorangey · 05/03/2019 00:06

Thanks, I didn't even know the SENCO would be the next port of call so that's helpful. I'm so on the fence as to whether he's just young and a bit behind, or whether there is more to it. Cranky, did your DS have any other traits that concerned you or was it just the social stuff? For me, it is the social stuff but also the obsession over one TV show/type of play at a time. And also his reluctance to join in at any type of class that I have ever taken him to (he just sits on my knee and watches).

OP posts:
Fanjango · 05/03/2019 00:10

@Cranky17 the asd traits can be very subtle or masked. Hindsight is amazing but both my diagnosed kids got to 11 before we got the diagnosis, one by then a school refuser with massive anxiety (now diagnosed gad/pad on top of his asd). If you have doubts get it looked into, things aren't the same forever, it's fluid, something that doesn't cause an issue can suddenly be brought to the fore and become crippling at a later stage. Mums/dads radars are often the best indicator, that instinctive knowledge something is just a little "off". My kids are amazing, uniquely just the way they were meant to be

mockorangey · 05/03/2019 00:12

Satsuma Flowers

OP posts:
WitBeyondMeasure · 05/03/2019 00:12

I have an August boy too. He's five now in year one. Every thing you are saying resonates!
I find my son is very mature in some aspects but struggles greatly with other children and their "quirks, mannerisms, habits"

When he was in reception he used to come home and cry that no one played with him, he was sad etc. I was concerned and spoke to his teachers and asked about it. To their credit they did a week long report (I didn't ask for it they're just bloody lovely at his school) about who he played with and when. They gave me a run down of each and every playtime, they asked him who he feels close to in his classroom and put them in groups together etc.
By the end of the week it was evident that he had been alone for no more than about 3 minutes a day on the playground and it was his anxiety or perception that made him say he was alone all the time. (He was also very active playing with kids before and after school)

School assigned him a play therapist for a few sessions to see if there was anything underlying causing anxiety.. nada. He was just a young boy, experiencing new things and not quite expressing it accurately. Even now he will sometimes say no one played etc. But then if I ask about specific friends there's always more information forthcoming

extrastrongnosugar · 05/03/2019 17:11

It really is too early to worry.
Just keep piling on the playdates and teach and model social behaviour to him.

It takes a loooong time for kids to learn all the subtle ways with which to make and maintain friendships and they learn it from you and by exposure and lots of trial and error. My 7 yo DD is just now getting the hang of it, she has tons of friends but only now does quite a bit of the friend work on her own and i still organize most of her social life according to her input.

It might take longer with boys but since its so important I would just never stop.

Cranky17 · 05/03/2019 21:40

Fanjango

That’s interesting thanks, I Wil keep an open mind

mockorangey · 09/03/2019 12:52

Shamelessly bumping this to get more advice. DH and I both independently filled in the online test linked above, and both came out with a score of 15 (with 15-31 being more likely to have autism).

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach the SENCO or HCP about this? I feel like I am just going to be dismissed as he does not have any major issues.

OP posts:
StarlightIntheNight · 09/03/2019 12:58

Arrange playdates. Or plays after school in the park if the school is near one. I always was very proactive early on with setting up plays in the park to get to know the other parents and so my dc could get to know their classmates...basically whoever was willing to meet :) They quickly made friends.

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