NC as very outing
Not sure where to start.
I had DD15 at 15 years old. Wasn't at all ready, with no family support and all friends ditched. From a young age DD had peculiar behaviour, eating wallpaper, screamed alot, walked at 10 months and had a speech delay. She would spit up walls, pull hair out and pick her skin. She didn't want to be involved in family times.
I asked social services family workers to help but they had nothing to input.
DD would smear poo from her nappy all around her bedroom and eat plaster from the walls, she would also break all toys. Naughty step wouldn't faze her. She was still in nappies overnight at 7 years old as she wasn't dry.
DD2 was 2 years younger and DS 7 years younger.
When DS was 3 months and was ill in hospital, I was with him, DD1 then 7.5 ate medication and went to A&E. We put a lock on the bathroom cabinet but she broke the lock and ate medication again. We did an autism assessment as pica can be a symptom but nothing came of it.
She also let her and DD2 out of the house although it was locked with a bolt up high to a nearby playground and was brought back by the school nurse that lived close by at 7am.
Social services got involved and both DD1 and DD2 was put on a child protection plan. As she wasn't diagnosed with anything, her behaviour was blamed on us under emotional neglect and dd2 as it affected her too.
We asked for a family assessment, which they commissioned. They wanted to speak with family so in laws spoke to them and said some horrible things about us. Despite this, assessment report said that we were loving parents, probably too tight on supervision from everything that happened and diagnosed dd1 with severe adhd with sensory processing issues. She also scored high for ODD and they considered bipolar but there wasn't a childhood bipolar diagnosis in the uk. They said it was best description but not perfect. SS closed the case 6 months later but no further support.
After that, dd1 put a blanket over ds face in the early hours of the morning and asked dd2 to suck her breasts. We didn't know what to do, with no consequences working and no seeming end to what she would do, we put locks everywhere. We were petrified about SS taking all 3 away. Social services got reinvolved by school as she said I had bit her - which I certainly did not - and saw the locks.
Dd1 wasn't locked in but every other room was locked, I sometimes slept in with her so she didn't feel locked away but she still spat on the walls and wiped snot on them. Despite cleaning for hours, the room stank and I just couldn't take it every night. Sometimes dh would stay awake all night downstairs instead of locking rooms.
Our relationship had broken down with her - more so between dh than me. He blames her awfully and said some unforgivable stuff whilst trying to jog her into listening.
Anyway, they said unlock everything or dd1 goes into care, maybe all 3 and maybe prosecution for neglect. We asked for voluntary care but was denied. They did a pre-court assessment, stripped her of diagnosis and took in laws report as true. We went through court and couldn't contest as we didn't have an alternative plan or could actually see a way it could work at home.
Since being in care, ss have made us say to dd1 it was completely our fault or risk loosing contact. Contact is supervised only.
Dd1 has extremely bad anxiety and has to go to hospital with panic attacks. She self harms with sharpener blades. They gave her 3 therapy sessions a week but she would not engage. She threatened to jump in front of a train. She steals from her carer and her carer locks doors now. We don't get told alot so this is just what we have been told. It's a very fragile placement.
More recently she's started therapy with a different team and they have started a adhd assessment!
Aibu to be distraught yet livid we didn't get better help and not judgement so our family could still be together and dd1 been supported at home? Maybe it would be completely different now if dd1 stayed home and received help? I don't know but it all seems to have looped around and poor dd1 probably feels she's unhelpable and there's no hope.