To resent my mum

[flowercrown]

My mum and I were so close when I was younger, I was the youngest of the family until I was 12. I felt she was my best friend and that I could turn to her for anything. I'm now much older and have 3 children. I keep thinking about what sort of life I want to lead for my kids and how I want to support them and bring as much happiness to their lives as possible. I have 2 sisters and we all suffer from depression badly. My mum, for years, has also had depression but refuses help. When I was younger I always have and always will remember how often she would go out on dates, go out drinking and we would be left with a babysitter. How I would call her 50 times and she wouldn't answer the phone not even to give me a bit of reassurance. How my dad would drop us home after a weekend with him and she would be out with her new boyfriend. She has become so bitter, uncaring, selfish and emotionally abusive these past few years. When my younger sibling came along things became tough for her but she always blamed us for her problems and expected us to fix them for her. I have always felt so under pressure. At 13 and 17 my sister and I were left to look after my brother while my mum worked until 9pm most days, we had him while she went out drinking too. This went on for years and I am still looking after him now alongside my 3 kids because my mum can't arrange proper care suitable for him and appropriate for her work hours. I love my brother dearly but she does not raise him with discipline, routine or manners. Her built up stress has caused her to lash out at me, shout at me and shout at my kids who are only 5 and 2! She tells my kids that I am selfish, and a bad person and nasty to her just because we've had a disagreement. She insults my body image as since having kids I have a mum tum, and have gained a little weight. She tells me I'm fat and that I have a 'prolapsed tummy because I didn't do my pelvic floor'. She tells my brother personal family information that any child that age is too young and sensitive to process correctly. He then tells everyone and insults them due to his misinterpretation. Even though I have my brother for her, she doesn't want to have my children for me and never comes to see us or asks us if we would like to spend the day with her. She treats me like a burden and whenever I try and speak to her about my depressed feelings she just says 'you're not the only one'. Can't help but feel like she doesn't act like a mother at all :'( sorry for this rant but it helps getting this all out there.

Start putting your mother at arms length and don't expect her to do anything for you at all. If she promises to help you don't rely on it as she has shown you repeatedly who she is. Don't argue with her. If she says something bite your lip. If you don't answer her she can't have an argument. I've found many women do this. They are all geared up for an argument but you refuse to indulge them.

You've not said how old your brother is but if he's over 10 you are allowed and must tell him saying certain things about a woman who has had children are unacceptable from a man and if he wants to have good future relationships with women needs to know what he shouldn't say. Then you need to decide how much you want to look after him and only do the cars you want.

You don't owe this woman anything for being born. It was her choice not yours.
Put some emotional distance at least between you.
I stopped telling my own mother anything by the age of 10. She wouldn't help with the minor teenage issues, but would be straight on the phone with all and sundry, laughing about it.
Any option to move too far away to do childcare too? Or do you feel it would be better to foster your brother?

Thank you for your replies. I have learnt not to retaliate when she starts an argument or becomes confrontational. I really have tried to keep my distance and it just upsets me when my kids ask if they can see her and inside I know she's already said no, but I don't tell them that. She has really shown her true colours and made it obvious she is not there for me as a mum should be. She chose to have my brother at a fairly older age and she has put the responsibility on the rest of us. She is constantly moaning about his behaviour but makes no effort to change anything. I really am considering moving away, somewhere not too far but far enough. It's just a shame as my eldest has started school now and it would be upsetting to move her. Thank you for your advice and I will do all of what has been said. My life is easier and less stressful when we have minimal contact. I just wish deep down that I didn't have a mum that treated me this way