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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask mil to stop buying so many toys

47 replies

user1498912461 · 03/03/2019 17:10

I am at the end of my tether! Mil sees ds around 3/4 times a week and every time she comes over turns up with armfuls of toys. If she finds out ds shows even a mild interest in a certain character or tv show she buys everything under the sun to do with that. Then a few weeks later ds moves onto something else and the cycle starts again! Leaving the brand new toys barely played with. She must be spending around £60/£80/£100 per week on him. Meanwhile our house is a tip and every day is Christmas Day for our ds. DH and I have talked to her in the past and the spending tapers off but then gradually she goes back to her spendy ways! On the flip side, she helps out with ds, takes him to after school activities and helps occasionally with childcare. Of course she is the favourite grandparent now which causes friction from my side of the family as they both can’t afford and don’t believe in spoiling a child. So, should I just leave her be as ds adores her and she does help us as a family or how would I broach the subject in a tactful yet firm way? DH isn’t at all bothered and won’t let me talk to her myself for fear of “upsetting” her. Help!

OP posts:

Anon10 · 03/03/2019 20:03

My parents do this with DS1 and DS2. I hate it. I think excess does spoil children and makes them disenchanted and disillusioned. We are measured with toys and presents and think about what we are purchasing, choosing toys carefully that suit our children’s needs. The grandparents buy heaps of toys. Always horrible noisy singing flashing plastic disasters. I can’t bear it. I hate the excess. I hate the waste. We talk to them about it, and it may dwindle temporarily but not for long.

Mamaisamermaid · 03/03/2019 20:05

@user1498912461

You could mention to your MIL that you don't have much space left for the toys she buys for your DS, and then sort out (with your DS, MIL and yourself as these gifts were given to him and not you) where these gifts are all going to be stored.

If you want to give away some of your DS's toys, I suggest involving him in the whole process and allowing him to choose which toys are to be given away, as those gifts were given to him and not you, and might be special to him.

scubadoobie · 03/03/2019 20:06

No one ever, ever likes a spoiled child..... eventually not even the person or people doing the spoiling. Stop her in her tracks. or rue it later.

StinkyCandle · 03/03/2019 20:07

she is completely ruining Christmas and birthdays, they won't be special anymore, there's no magic left and that's a shame. It's not making a childhood special to drown a child under toys. It becomes just tat.

Sell the toys, and keep the money for a big and decent present.

Ask her for something specific: tickets to an attraction, yearly pass to a local soft play or play farm.

I would really put my foot down and clearly explain that any toy will be returned to her.

Anon10 · 03/03/2019 20:08

Mamaisamermaid you cannot seriously think that a happy childhood is the product of having lots of toys and stuff? Of course children need some, but having excess and being spoilt will leave them not understanding the significance of a gift, not getting true joy from receiving it and ultimately will leave them expectant and constantly craving instant gratification as an adult.

LL83 · 03/03/2019 20:08

Sounds like she does adore him. But it isn't good to be spoiled and will clutter up house.

What if every few weeks you pack up the oldest toys and say "do you know of anyone else who could use these toys you bought? Ds is finished with them, wanted to check with you before passing them to charity shop?"

Then she will see how wasteful it is. If she just enjoys seeing his face when she brings him things (as I suspect) this plan is unlikely to stop her.

Mamaisamermaid · 03/03/2019 20:19

@Anon10

I ''spoil'' my own kids. They're happy to receive gifts. They have an attitude because they haven't grown up yet. I accept it, they'll grow up in their own time.

The reason kids disregard certain toys after a short period of time is because kids grow and change, all at different paces, and to expect a child to get joy from a toy for long periods of time is an unreasonable thing to expect from a child that is constantly growing and changing.

That wont stop me from spending £100 on something for them to enjoy for the time being. £100 isn't even allot of money, and I'm pretty sure there are toys out there that cost well over £100.

Adulthood is hard. I'll give my kids whatever I can to enjoy their childhood. Life doesn't need to be hard, and I won't let it be hard for my kids.

badg3r · 03/03/2019 20:21

Hmm. I have had too many present issues as well. It is a question if balance I think.

Would GM get as much joy from giving half or a quarter as many gifts?
Would DS from receiving (almost certainly)?
How much does does she get vs the stress it causes you?
What about the financial and environmental impact?

I would be asking her to buy much much less and save the rest of the cash to buy him something when he is older (like a car or something else massively expensive).

Also remember it will not last for very long and in a few years the things he likes will be too expensive for her to shower him with huge volumes, and she will probably buy the "wrong" things when he is older anyway so the joy of giving will diminish significantly!

Realistically she is not going to stop buying him things. But you can tell her that you feel like it is too much and that it causes you lots of stress. I think this frequently: I spend so much time clearing our the mountains of toys the kids have been given, that they have less time with their mum as a result.

Original poster

user1498912461 · 03/03/2019 20:30

I honestly feel like she is ruining my child. I spoke to DH earlier and he basically replied with “we’ve got bigger things to worry about”. He’s said he will speak to her but the last time he did he just told her not to waste her money and that she couldn’t afford it. She told him it was fine and so nothing changed 😔

OP posts:

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 03/03/2019 20:32

I think the advice to sell some (most) on is great- I would put them on FB groups, or maybe give some to charities.
If you sell, you can put the money into his account and start saving for the future, and she does not need to know.

drspouse · 03/03/2019 20:41

If unused, can't you take them back?

SarahAndQuack · 03/03/2019 21:27

drspouse, yep!

Though, in a way, I am sad, because while I'd cheerfully not bother with MIL, my SIL is lovely and I do wish she'd come more often just herself, instead of feeling she must always bring a gift!

Hunter037 · 03/03/2019 21:35

I would definitely speak to her. Its criminal to have bags of unused toys in the loft when there are kids with nothing. Your son isn't getting any enjoyment from it (besides a brief "ooh new toys") so its purely for your MILs benefit so she feels like the best grandparent.

With the toys you already have, donate them to a charity such as a childrens hospital or a charity which gives toys to kids who are homeless/living in poverty.

33goingon64 · 03/03/2019 21:58

Oh God we have this with PILs. Not that frequent as we only see them every 6 weeks but they always spend 50 quid ish on each DS. Usually on a branded plastic product they found in the supermarket. I really wish they wouldn't.

Tavannach · 03/03/2019 23:02

Reading your responses it's too much, it really is.
I think the suggestion of opening a savings account is good, or maybe premium bonds.
Take your DH up to the attic and show him the plastic bags, because you have to get him on board.
Maybe ask her to buy your son a toy she uses with him, like an Orchard Games board game. Children enjoy playing the same game for months. But an endless stream of new toys is not good for him. Or for her, because ultimately your DS is going to be disappointed if she shows up without a toy.

Singlenotsingle · 03/03/2019 23:07

Get all those toys down out of the attic and eBay them. Or give them to charity shops or children's hospitals. Tell MIL that DS has outgrown them.

Cornishclio · 04/03/2019 13:53

I can see where you are coming from. We rarely bought new toys for our daughters when small unless it was Xmas or birthdays as we were of the opinion too many toys spoil a child and they sometimes need to learn to use their imagination when playing so toys not always essential. We have more disposable income now and have two granddaughters but still mainly keep to just Xmas and birthdays but do buy second hand toys to keep at our house while we are doing childcare. Can you ask MIL to do the same and point out you don't want your DS to be spoiled and he does not really need more toys. If she won't listen bag up old toys and put them away.

CoolJule43 · 04/03/2019 14:59

I would tell MIL that I am bringing up DS to have a good value system and her treating him to so much undermines that.
Tell (don't ask) her not to buy any toys except birthdays and Christmas otherwise DS won't regard those occasions as special.

You need to sit DH down and ensure he is on the same page as you too.

If MIL continues to buy then tell her to keep all the items at her house for when he visits.

I would say as DS has far too many toys then you are going to give them away to local children's hospice.....then do it.

dreichuplands · 04/03/2019 15:45

I think your biggest problem is your DH. I would work on him first. Explain it is a problem and that you won't be managing it anymore. I think I would gather up all the unwanted toys and put them on his side of the bed to show the scale of the problem. Explain you don't have the time, energy or space to deal with this level of waste and you are making it his problem. Put any new stuff that comes in on his bedside to manage.
Then set up a one in, one out rule and explain this to all of the family. We have a constant charity box in our house to try and manage tat.
Keep explaining to mil that for every new thing she brings in one thing has to go to the charity shop.
Be firm and friendly to dh and mil.

JammieCodger · 04/03/2019 16:03

It sounds a nightmare, and not about what to do with the piles in the attic but how to stop her setting the example to your son that love is measured in stuff, not time and thoughtfulness.

I’m a bit at those who say she’s ruining birthdays and Christmas, though. Presents aren't what makes those days special, any more than a visit from your granny is all about what you can get from it.

EyeOfTheTigger · 04/03/2019 16:11

Next time MIL is due round when you'll be there, have all the black backs down out of the loft in your living room. When she asks what they are, tell her they're all the toys that she's bought that you keep in the loft as you don't have room to store them; toys that DS isn't able to play with because they have to be stored in the loft. Ask her if she'd like to take them back to her house and store them there. Maybe if she sees for herself the accumulated excess it will sink in. After she's gone, make a plan to donate a lot of the unused ones to the local children's hospice/hospital/women's aid centre. They'll be very grateful for them.

nokidshere · 04/03/2019 16:11

I spoke to DH earlier and he basically replied with “we’ve got bigger things to worry about”. He’s said he will speak to her but the last time he did he just told her not to waste her money and that she couldn’t afford it. She told him it was fine and so nothing changed 😔

So why are you leaving it to him? He won't deal with it because he doesn't have a problem with it particularly. Why aren't you sitting her down and telling her everything you have said here? Make it clear to her that any further toys will be binned.

And it's not buying presents or spending money on a child that spoils them, it's giving into demands and expectations from them.

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