to be so anxious about my son preferring his dad?

[PepsiKhola]

My son is only 4 months old. Me and his dad split up when I was still pregnant. I have. I qualms in saying I'm an excellent mother. All of my time, effort and money goes in to my son and ensuring he is well cared for. His dad is asking to see him 3x a week. One visit where I drive, one where he drives and one where we meet in the middle. He's about an hour away from me and I'm not sure how out son will cope with all of the travelling but we'll see...

Anyway. Even though my son is SO young, I have this overwhelming fear in my head that my son will prefer his dad to me, and will eventually want to live with him. I'm not sure why as I know I'm a great mum and my son seems pretty securely attached.

Has anyone ever doing this to happen? Am I being ridiculous? I have PND and am struggling with my emotions at the moment. Not sure if I'm being silly or not or if this is a normal fear...

I think your ex is asking for an awful lot of contact without giving anything in return. You need to establish what is right for you and your baby. That is a lot of traveling and while your baby might have a flexible schedule now, you might find that in the future this changes. At 4 months I could take my son anywhere into the evening, by 6 months if he wasn't in the bath by 6pm I was in trouble. When your baby starts weaning he'll need meals at roughly the same time each day, how will dad facilitate that? I would also have concerns about the amount of driving you'll be doing - you're in prime sleep regression time and I'm guessing you're doing all the get ups. There have been times I'm so tired I couldn't drive 10 minutes to the supermarket let alone an hour in rush hour traffic.

I think you're setting a precedent now that would be difficult to change when you go back to work (I'm presuming you're still on ML). Your ex needs to make some changes to enable the level of contact he wants (eg finish work earlier etc).

This is what I worry about. He's getting in to a routine now. I don't bath him regularly as he hates it. He comes in the shower with me (he thinks it's hilarious and gets him just as clean!). He's always cranky around 8pm and I'm sure this will get earlier. Ive been researching evening routines but worry that if implement one, my ex will try and force me to forego the routine and still travel. I don't know how to tell him no as he's going to be angry, but I need this routine for my sanity. It's been fine until now but I'm back at work fairly soon...

I'm just so tired and mentally can't handle the confrontation...

Why are you doing so much of the travel? It really isn't fair, or sustainable for you.

I had similar and we're together! It could just be part of adjusting to having a baby. Be kind to yourself. Your little one will love you completely so nothing to worry about xx

@StinkyCandle don’t bring your own issues into this

I said feed as long as you BOTH want to’
I said extended feeding was wonderful- it is.
I said absolutely nothing around non breast feeding mothers not bonding.
I said nothing about anyone doh g anything that isn’t right for them.

Don’t be so prickly and ridiculous.

I know babies don't NEED to breastfeed, but WHO recommend 2 years and that's what I'm aiming for. If it doesn't work out then hey ho, not the end of the world. Not sure what the arguing is achieving here. My mother has BF 5 children so I have lots of support in regards to that.

@StinkyCandle what a shame I can’t read your post!

Best go read those talk guidelines

@PepsiKhola absolutely you know you and your baby do what’s best for you both.

Hope you get some support in dealing your ex- he sounds forceful and a bit unpleasant. No one should be demanding anything of a new mum and baby not even the dad.

If it’s too hard in person then send him an email. State you are pleased he is involved but the pressure of so much day contact in terms of face time etc is hard and also youdo not feel you can expect a small baby to travel so much. He is welcome to come to you three times a week but the onus is on him he adult to do the travelling until the child gets a bit bigger.

I'm worried that as soon as I say no to visiting him on weekdays he's going to go mad... but my son is starting to get in to a routine. He's usually asleep between 7:30/8:30.

What does 'going mad' entail?

You're quite right, btw. Babies shouldn't be routinely shuttling on hour long journeys at times they would normally be in bed.

His dad needs to do the legwork. On account of being the grown up.

I've told him this but he says it isn't a good enough excuse for him not to be with him.

I don't know if it's just my son but if he ends up having a long car journey too late at night he gets cranky when he gets home and won't sleep because he wakes up when I take him out of the car. He doesn't seem to get this. It's me who suffers too. I don't mind occasionally as a one off.

He's even trying to convince me to try and change his sleep times about to suit visiting times!

I agree with @Whereareyouspot. 3 times a week is great but he has to travel until baby is bigger. Perhaps you could offer once a fortnight at best....but way way less than you driving twice a week.

I personally think your baby would get used to it if I'm honest but you don't get the other nights to relax like he does.