To be fed up with my DM's endlesss moaning and complaining?

[WillGymForPizza]

Im unsure whether or not I'm just being unkind, but please hear me out. Ive been aware for a long time now that I'm my DMs sounding board for just about everything really, which would be fine but it's very one sided and it's not reciprocated at all. To put it into context my DM has never been there for me emotionally, practically she was excellent but my worries and concerns have always been shut down and not listened to.

Right now I have a lot on my mind, and don't have the capacity to listen to her endless whinging. Yesterday I had to sit there and listen to have her go on and on about an allergy she has developed and what might be causing it. It was just a constant rumination over and over. I tried changing the subject I tried ignoring it but she always came back to it.

I feel horrible writing this, but I'm currently waiting for tests on a breast lump which the Gp was pretty certain is nothing to worry about but wanted to check out just to be on the safe side. So I have that on my mind, I also know of other people going through the most awful stuff in their personal lives and don't complain about it at all. Yet hear she is whigning about a sniffle.

AIBU to just want her to just stop it?

Nope you’re not being unreasonable.
I think complaining and constant whinging becomes a habit and the people doing it don’t seem to realise that everything that comes out their mouth is negative. They’re what my friend calls ‘mood hoovers’.

The problem here is it’s your DM so it’s not easy to phase her out your life like you could with a non relative.

Could you ask her (nicely) if she realises how much she complains? You could tell her that the more we focus on the bad stuff in life the harder it is to enjoy anything? Would she take offence or take it on board a bit ? It’s really hard because she doesn’t take an interest in what’s going on for you. A firm “ok that’s enough about ailments, let’s have a cup of tea/go for a walk etc” might just stop her in her tracks. Unless she sees the problem though and wants to change I think you’ve got an uphill struggle here.

She'd take offence. In fact I think she would probably explode. She isn't very good at taking criticism at all, even the most minor of constructive criticism.

She's just very self absorbed, for example a few months ago we though my Dad would need to have a major operation that would mean him being laid up for about six months. All I heard about was how it was going to affect her, how much of a nightmare he'd be when laid up, how he'd moan etc. Nothing about how it would affect him. As it happened he doesn't need the surgery now. But I was astonished at the self absorption.

Oh dear she sounds exhaustingly self absorbed. Can you set a time limit on your visits/phone calls ? Just make visits manageable ie an hour or whatever you can handle and accept it’s going to be a whingefest. It shouldn’t have to be this way but I don’t think you can change her especially if she can’t take any criticism.

Good advice from Rhoda. My DM is the same. I once told her how negative she was being and I’ve never heard the end of it! No matter how many positive comments I make, she spins them round to a negative.

I can't try and cut back the number of visits, but Ive a feeling she would just phone me instead to complain about something.

How old are you WillGym?

No you are not BU. These are people that I all energy vacuums, that just moan annd moan habitiually, and will always find something to moan about no matter what. They also often seem to lack perspective.

Tbh with the ones in my life I've just had to be blunt and either curb visits/visiting times or ask them after a while to talk about something less negative.

I have a friend like this - she's lovely, but she gets trapped in a loop of rumination and pointless fretting. I normally deal with it by saying "Right! Well it's been a lousy week! Let's stir ourselves up by doing something nice and forgetting our troubles. Come on! Giddyup!", and physically walking her out of her mood for a bit.

It depends on their willingness to be cheered up though.

36 Rosemary yet she makes me feel like a 12 year old.

People sometimes ruminate on bad things when they are depressed. Could this be a problem for her?

If you do not think she is depressed, could you say "I'm sorry to hear all this Mum - let's talk about something else and cheer ourselves up."

I am a mother of AC - and a MIL - and my life is very difficult. Disabled and deteriorating OH and a few health problems of my own. But I do make it a rule not to go on about it all when AC and GC are here. I answer their questions about these depressing things when they ask, but otherwise spend the time asking how they are and hearing about what they have done.

Good luck with all this - it must be very trying. But she sounds rather a sad lady.

Maybe if you had a conversation about it rather than trying to shut her down? If she felt listened to she might be more amenable to a change of subject.

Incidentally if someone told me to “Giddy up” I’d punch them.

Oh god, I could written this a out my dm. I told her that she was being too negative and it was making it hard to be around her - instant regret. Massive blow up, "you don't like the person I am", loads of bile. My mum is a narc, she just does not have the self-awareness to realise what she's like and how she impacts on other people, so I've had to adapt to it. (it took a lot of therapy) I'm not much happier with our relationship because I just accept her for who she is instead of trying to change her, so let it wash over me. I think that's all you can do with people like that. Set boundaries, stick to them, and let the crap pass you by.

Mmm. I was mid thirties when I gave up hoping for a dream mother. One who asks how I am when she rings, and listens to my answer. One who doesn’t spend all her time telling me how I’ve ruined her life but the decisions I’ve made. It’s hard to accept. You ARE an adult (Remind yourself this when you’re with her) and would you accept this behaviour from anyone else?
No need to be unkind, but I’ve learnt you have to tell her how she makes you feel, she might never have realised how selfish she’s been.

I'm much happier* I meant!

Incidentally if someone told me to “Giddy up” I’d punch them.

Fair point, but as I say it depends on whether you want to be cheered up, or to continue ruminating. My friend always wants to be hauled out of her slump.

Yep Thegood, just let it wash over you. You can’t fix her.

She could be depressed, and I have wondered this however she will absolutely not see a doctor and would never admit to needing help. She prides herself on never bothering her Gp, the last time she did was when she had a bad cough that didn't clearly and had no choice but to go and get anti bitotics. This was about two years ago.

AlsoHuman did you even bother to read the OP properly. It's one sided and she's not interested in solutions. I'd quite like to be able to to offload about my worries that I could have cancer but she isn't interested and is far more concerned about being allergic to something. Silly me thinking I should be able to discuss my fears with the person who's supposed to love you more than anyone else in the world eh...

A friend arranged for a medium to come to her house and a few of us went round for a reading (bear with me here).

I think have a healthy scepticism about this stuff but when she said "the Gods say you're one of life's moaners", I thought FML she's right! And put a stop to it right there as it soooo dull for everyone else.

Could you prime a fake medium OP?