Is this a bad sign/ reasonable?

[Acalavero]

Was going to post this in relationships but wanna know it this behaviour is normal and AIBU to be angered/upset over thins?

Dp making no effort to go out as a couple. I'm really struggling with this as I never go out anymore since birth of 1 year old dd.
But what has made me really upset/angry is dp only seems to "agree" or be on board if his parents are gonna invited?!? Ok he is really close to them but will give an example of what's happened in the past week:

I said I really wanted to go for a carvery at brilliant carvery , not just me &him - the kids too as felt like we needed a change, he got moody started going on about cost n how far it was. Then when my older dd persisted he said "well I have an idea, can ask my mum &dad to see if they'll join us" so then rings them up as soon as they said yes, he is all keen to go. I didn't say anything but it did hurt as it seems he didn't want to go just as a family?

2nd situation even worse. For the past few weeks since he's come back from training Iv asked if we can go to city centre like we used to ages&ages ago . We live on outskirts so city centre is a train journey away , he's made excuses usually saying that it's too far away, would cost a lot of money to get there&back when we could easily just go to our local pub.

I understand this but like I said to him it's not like we do it often, fact not even in a blue moon! It's more we haven't done it for years!(can't even remember when) & I've felt like it recently
Then because I wasn't backing down I mentioned could we do it on my birthday (which is 2 weeks away) n purposely mentioned we could invite his parents along as I know they enjoy doing this too.
Straight away, he seemed to change again n much more keen so when he asked them n they agreed he was alll for it n actually seemed excited! Is this normal? Just feel so hurt that he doesn't seem to want to spend an evening out with just me?!? Or the kids. He does work away often n had told me he gets sick of eating out in restaurants n the pressure to go out n socialise with colleagues but it makes me upset that he doesn't appreciate it from my side- I work AND have to look after the kids so to let my hair down n go out is a big luxury for me!

AIBU?

Hmm very weird. I don’t buy his excuse re working away at all, because he’s keen to go out when his parents are coming! You’re not being unreasonable at all. Very strange.

Do his parents pay for the outings if they come along?

@Bambamber
No they do not!! He pays for them!!
He paid for whole carvery saying it was his treat!
Parents are pensioners/have retired from working abroad so he always offers or pays.
Granted they have done a lot for him like buying him the house we live in. And they also do the childcare two days a week which saves us a fair bit.

Thanks @drinkygin exactly my thoughts too!

He either doesn't want to be seen out alone with you, or he wants someone else there to bat any awkwardness off.

There's something going on. What does he say when you try to find out his reasoning?

@Birdsgottafly

Bloody hell I feel horrible but confused COs we do go out as a family here n there like shopping together, or events so he's seen with me then!
Would that imply he is hiding me as in maybe having an affair? But if parents are there , he is still with me if that makes sense. As in sat together/holding hands

I haven't said anything to him yet as I'm scared if it turns into an argument. When I ask to go out he usually uses the excuse of money/time etc
This does kind of add up because he's ok going to the local pub with me occasionally for a few drinks after both kids in bed. So I'm just really confused.

OP, do you know you've posted this twice?

Does he have a lot to talk about with you? It's pretty hard to come up with exciting conversation with somebody if you've already both heard the issue with Fred from Accounts and the funny thing your kid said on the way home from Nursery already - but telling somebody else about them/being told things by them means there aren't long periods of silence.

We don't have enough things to talk about during a meal out (he only needs to hear me ranting about the fucking printer fucking claiming there was a fucking printer jam five fucking times when there wasn't a single fucking sheet stuck anywhere in the fucking thing more than once at the end of a particularly shitty day, for example), but would find it a lot easier to have somebody else there to talk with.

When you all go out, do his parents help with the kids? Maybe he doesn't want the responsibility of helping to look after the kids when you're out?

@MitziK

😂😂

There has been times where we don't talk much but I put down to his tiredness yet now I'm looking back - maybe he is bored with me?

@teenybean

That's the thing - we hardly go out. We've been out 3 times since youngest dd was born a year ago, once to a birthday parry and twice to the local pub to watch live music and it's always been my sister coming over to our house once youngest dd is asleep (as she has no clue with babies so it's easier to wait till dd is asleep she wouldn't be much use!)

@teenybean sorry just reread your message- yes his parents do help with kids (well dd2 as dd1 is 11!) yes you are right, that could have something to do with it, never thought of it like that!

It could be something much simpler - does she find it hard to look after DCs (not making excuses for him but does he find them a handful) and if his parents come they help? So a meal is more manageable if there is someone there to help entertain them whilst you wait for food, if you go to town together they are there to help hold DCs hand etc?

Sorry! Does he find it...

I was going to say the same. I'm always mildly relieved if there's more hands around when we take the children out.

My first thought was money.. That they'd pay but you said not. It is odd yes and other than that I can't think of a reason other than he does find it dull to be just with you / the kids. Maybe he thinks it's not worth spending the money just on you but would if its a bigger thing. That's not a good sign at all and something I think that needs to be addressed. Do you have a nice time when you do go out as a couple, even if it's just local?

Why don’t you just ask him outright.

His behaviour is odd. We don’t go out much but that’s for money reasons rather than wanting other people to join is

My DH invites his mum along to family days out all the time. My FIL died 13 years ago and my BIL lives at the other end of the country so we are her only family locally and my DH wants to look out for her. She's absolutely lovely and I adore her, she's always welcome, she's like part of our little family unit. Could it just be that he's really close to his parents? When he thinks "family outing" he thinks family automatically includes his parents.

I'd say if his parents help out that's probably all it is I hate taking the kids out to eat ours are 6, 4 and 1 so a real handful and going out can be stressful we don't live near family but when we visit I find eating out with DHs family great as they take over with the kids and I get hot food it's amazing!

Thanks to everyone for the responses.
Yeah I can see how it could be help with kids , tbf they do help but that doesn't explain why only wanted to go for drinks in city centre IF they were coming!!!
The kids won't be going out to city centre. It was a plan I had to do for my birthday after kids in bed- basically a pub crawl. He was making all kinds of excuses: money, time, how would we get back etc as last train is 11.05pm but when I just suggested casually his parents could come, he went and asked them. They seemed really up for it and suddenly he was too! I feel quite hurt by it especially because it's for my Birthday.

The poster that mentioned him being close - yes he is extremely close to his parents. He was in boarding school since 11, then university for another 5 years whilst both parents were working abroad so since they've retired (4 years ago) I think he does wanna spend as much time with them. I just found it a bit upsetting because it's been like this for a while where I suggest a "date night" he isn't keen at all and will try and turn it round n say "why can't we just spend time at home n have a drink etc"
But if his parents suggested a trip out or night out he's completely different

@Angrybird123

Yes I would say we have a good time when we've been out alone which is rare anyway - three times since dd was born. But one time was his mates birthday drinks/meal
The other two times were watching a live band in our local pub so it's not like we've spent loads of times talking but he's always said he's really enjoyed it and we should do it again

The only thing I can think of is he works away quite often and has to go out for meals every evening when away so I do think he gets fed up of that so when he's home he just wants to relax and enjoy his house.

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine

Does that include if you and your dh go on a date night? I.e as in a meal/drinks etc