Please help me to think clearly !!!

[cherry2727]

Dh and I have had a huge argument and I'm in tears at the moment . A part of me hopes that someone tells me that I'm being unreasonable and I should move on but another part of me is finding it difficult to accept that I am wrong !

Dh has started a business and as far as I was aware it has been going well thus far. He rang me this morning to tell me that he has borrowed money from my brother for the last two months to help fund it as he has had rapid demand but had a cash flow problem. As he was able to supply the demand he has made good profits so has paid my brother some interest on top of the capital borrowed.

I was actually fuming!!! I felt betrayed that he went behind my back and asked my brother to lend him money without actually asking me first! I explained this to him as this is when it went bitter !! He accused me of being a control freak and couldn't understand why he would need my permission to ask my brother ?!! Obviously he has a very good relationship with my brother but I just thought that out of curtesy he would at least mention it to me first ! He then went on to say that I am no longer part of his business as I meddle and that I make him want to vomit ! He insists that it's business and that I did not need to know!

I'm actually in tears and have a massive migraine .... I actually thought our relationship was great prior to this and I'm actually quite speechless! We are off on holiday in a week and I don't even want to be near someone who thinks that I make them want to vomit ! I explained to him calmly and respectfully how I felt ... I don't have an issue with him asking my brother , i just wished he asked me first as I could have known something that he didn't know about my brother's financial situation.

Please help me and let me know your thoughts - should I get over myself and accept that he didn't need to tell me ??

I would say you are massively overreacting because he has paid the money back.

I would say that he was probably too proud to share that he was in difficulty and it was humbling for him to go to your brother for help.

I would acknowledge that to him and tell him he can always confide if he is in trouble. I would tell him that you do trust him it was just a bit of a surprise.

I would suggest him saying you are a control freak is a reaction to your attack as he feels threatened.

I would mentally note that he is not very financially reliable and make sure I had my own finances separately in order and that none of the joint finances were affected by the business.

If you were calm and not aggressive or offensive to him when you raised your concern, then his response is totally unnecessary.

It is his business, but you are married and presumably he is using joint money to start the business up. He also involved your brother. Plus, if he was struggling with the business, I would expect that's the sort of thing you would confide in with your spouse. I can see why you're disappointed that he didn't. I don't think it's controlling to want to be kept in the loop about quite serious financial decisions like that.

I think it's blown up more than it had to. It's not that huge a deal but yes it would have been a nice courtesy for him to keep you in the picture. Saying you make him want to vomit was out of order and he should apologise for this.

The first poster has good advice.

It's odd to have cash-flow issues and not tell you. In my relationship anyway, we share problems at work. But I guess other people's relationships are different. If the family finances are at risk though I would expect to be told. For example my husband was at risk of redundancy a few years ago and told me so we could both cut back on spending incase the worst came to the worst. If his business was in trouble it would be odd for you to be kept in the dark so you may still book a holiday or something when that money could be lent to the business.

Involving your brother does feel personal to you. What if he'd not been able to pay it back, and theyd fallen out, that would have put you in an awful position. Of course it's personal to you, he could have chosen anyone, or the bank. And it also probably makes your brother feel odd if he wasn't supposed to tell you

Whatever the rights and wrongs though calling you names and saying you make him want to vomit is just unnecessary and nasty

Well it is his business
He was mean. But sometimes we say mean things in the heat.

Chill. In reality he doesn’t have to ask your permission, and i would wonder why he didn’t ask you first, would you have had this kind of reaction if he did?

You’ll be fine, stuff like this is just life. You can make more of it if you want. But honestly, I wouldn’t.

My dh doesn't know all about me & his bro - we have a good relationship & pretty sure he tells me more than any of his family. WhT other ways have you 'meddles' in the business, or do you think that's an unfair comment.

I do understand you wanting to know but if you hadn't agreed it prior to this, he wasn't out of order imo. I hope you can calm down & talk about it. Is there anything else bothering you. Just wondering if something has intensified feeling toward this.

Is he normally secretive about finances? I wouldn't be happy about that personally.

Yes, it's worked out fine, but it was a risk and does involve you, 1) because it's your brother and 2) because as a married couple you share financial responsibility.

Saying, you make him want to vomit. Well that's utterly unreasonable.

I wouldn't have a problem with the money he may not have told you because you would worry or he may be telling the truth when he says that you meddle. (I suspect he is) be honest with yourself, how would you have reacted if he had told you before he borrowed from your brother?

However saying you make him want to vomit is horrible!

Thanks for taking the time out to reply everyone.
I do agree that it's been blown out of proportion but I am now merely sad at his response as opposed to the act itself. After reading your responses I realised that it's not so much the act which has hurt me but his reaction to my dissatisfaction of his decision . I can't believe he called me such names over something so trivial and he thinks these qualities of me - it's all very heart breaking .

He said that he will talk to me when he's in a better mood and he now knows what he will do differently ( was said very sarcastically!) He said he isn't in financial problems in his business and that I am his biggest stress , so you're right , there probably is more to it that I imagined.

His business has gained a lot more exposure so the demand for his service has increased. As a result he needs more capital in order to meet his demands. I explained to him that I don't have any more money to lend him and unfortunately unable to help him financially. I think he got upset over the fact that I said he was just going to have to say no to those customers until he can reinvest some of his profits over a few months . He said this cannot happen and that I'm being selfish and inconsiderate. I honestly do not have the money but I think he was hoping I suggest we ask my parents to lend it us as they are in a position to. I disagree with this tbh, I just feel like it's an endless cycle and he needs to reinvest profits and save some of his disposable income .

I'm so heartbroken as I've invested a lot of time in supporting his business by doing things like building him a database, teaching him basic accounting and even lending him money from my personal savings to invest. I have also been his biggest cheerleader and emotional support .It's really sad to know that I am being labelled as a controlled freak who meddle too much . I honestly wouldn't know how to find a middle ground .

Hmm this is a bit complicated because whilst I do honestly think he overreacted you do sound like you are being a little controlling

I am now freelance self employed in the same industry and in some cases the same company as DP (hard to explain further as would most definately out me ) which has meant some crystal clear rules

Yes I probably would mention money in the family to him however i would be extremely unimpressed at him telling me what financial decisions I should make (such as saying no to certain clients).

On the flipside I would only allow him to give me money on an investment basis rather than personally

Your DP has taken money from you and unless as a specific and protected investment he shouldn't have

However I would be so unimpressed if my partner started making business decision related comments in such a manner...the reality in my business is there are some clients that you can say no to ...there are also others that if I said no to would basically mean the death of my business

Although my DP and I are in the same industry we do different roles and mine is far more business related...fhe made a comment like that it wouldn't be born out of business knowledge and would simply be him being controlling and making arbitrary uninformed decisions

If he was an established and an official investor fine...if not ...just no

I would advise this is about establishing boundaries around this clearly with your partner

Are you an investor or are you his DP or both ?the interaction may be different depending on that

But ultimately he repaid your db with interest so why do you care ?

@Shinyletsbebadguys - you've actually really helped put a few things into perspective. You're right , I need him to reaffirm what my role is in his business because I feel like I'm being used accordingly. I will ask him this when he decides to talk . I think I can come across as controlling as he doesn't have a good track record with money and I'm the one who looks after the family finances . He does a lot of impulse purchases so I'm always the one trying to put a sensible cap on his head . This is why it's such a tough place for me - he got me to withdraw funds from out ds's savings account to put into the business which was soo risky ! I just feel like he needs someone to sometimes tell him where to draw the line . I will though stay out of his business ! That's a promise to myself !