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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel invisible?

24 replies

splishsplosh35 · 02/03/2019 17:18

Since the new year I have lost a significant amount of weight. I have worked very hard to do this, it hasn't been easy and im very proud of myself. But not one person has commented at all. I thought maybe it just wasn't noticeable because of winter clothes maybe or something but I took a couple of selfies of me and my son the other day and you can clearly see my face is thinner.
I have recently applied to do a MA at a local uni and I received my acceptance yesterday. This is a massive deal for me. Since having my son nearly 2 years ago my confidence has been on the ground and my anxiety (something I've always had) has been sky high. It took a lot of courage for me to apply to uni and I am anxious about how I will juggle work, my son and uni but I am very determined. Anyway I was with my family today and I told them about my acceptance, they went quiet then my mum said 'oh right' and everyone started talking about something else.
These are just 2 examples of things that have happened in the last few months that make me feel that I don't exist or that I just don't matter, unless someone needs something from me of course.
Am I just being oversensitive?

OP posts:

Sarcelle · 02/03/2019 17:27

Well done on the weightloss and the place. People might not comment because of jealousy. You have made changes. People don't like other people changing, it unnerves them.

Pat yourself on the back. Carry on moving forward and only share with those who you think are going to appreciate your hard work and application. If there is nobody to share it with in RL, post on here. And keep on keeping on!

HollowTalk · 02/03/2019 17:29

Some people think you're getting above yourself if anything in your life changes for the better, particularly if it's something you've worked hard for. Is that what your mum is like?

Original poster

splishsplosh35 · 02/03/2019 17:36

HollowTalk

Yes maybe. My mum and I have always had a complicated relationship like many mothers and daughters. I think she wants me to do well but feels I need her more when I'm struggling, and she loves to be needed. So that could be her reason for not saying anything positive - so selfish though.

OP posts:

CinammonPorridge · 02/03/2019 17:44

I would ask her if she was proud of me and what I'd achieved and I would accept her answer.

I would look at what support is available through Uni.

I would do something fun to enjoy my new slimmer self.

0rangeB0ttle · 02/03/2019 17:45

Will your MA lead to better paid work in the future, or is it an own goal ? There should never be a negative to learning and education at any age. Of course you should be proud of your achievements

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/03/2019 17:45

People might not comment because they're not sure why you've lost it - you may be ill or you may have acquired an eating disorder. People are much more aware nowadays of the possibility of offending, and many people take the line of never commenting, even favourably, on a feature of some else's body.

It may be that your family don't understand what an MA is and why acceptance is such an achievement. They might just see it as you going back to uni for some reason they can't understand, rather than doing something really worthwhile like working in some mundane job.

Vulpine · 02/03/2019 17:52

It's probably better not to seek other people's approval. Fuck em. And well done with what you've achieved so far. Keep it going

ScatteredMama82 · 02/03/2019 17:53

Nope, some people are just envious. Be proud of yourself, both the weight loss and the MA are great things to do. A bit different, but I am a singer and joined a band just over a year ago. It's been totally nerve-wracking but great fun and we're doing really well - getting paid gigs now. My DH and close friends where we live have been massively encouraging and supportive. My oldest friends from school act like it's not even happening. Never ask about it, never comment on it. It hurts a bit - it's a massive deal for me and they act like they couldn't give a toss. My DH thinks it's jealousy, and I suspect he's right.

Nothinglefttochoose · 02/03/2019 18:28

Well done on losing weight and on deciding to go to Uni! Go you! They are probably jealous. It’s not right that they didn’t congratulate you. You are very courageous!

WatchToTheEnd · 02/03/2019 18:51

Who said that?

onanothertrain · 02/03/2019 19:10

Maybe it doesn't seem a big deal to them. To be fair I'm not quite sure what your issue is

Exhaustedmummy1811 · 02/03/2019 19:13

I feel like this all the time, I'm last on everyone's list. Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't get a single card or well wish, yet I have a huge family. I'm one of 6 sibli gs, 15 cousins, still have all my grandparents. I've just come to realise I'm just not that important

Original poster

splishsplosh35 · 02/03/2019 19:50

0rangeB0ttle the field worked in before I had my son has changed and now having a formal qualification is an essential requirement for job applications rather than just good old experience so yes I will hopefully mean I will have more options for full time work and better pay once my so goes to school.

Exhaustedmummy1811 that's really awful, I'm so sorry. Happy belated birthday xx

OP posts:

PtahNeith · 02/03/2019 20:01

Most people wouldn't comment on weight loss unless the other person brought it up or they were concerned about them, would they? I mean, how can you say that to someone without suggesting you thought they looked bad before they lost weight? Which I doubt anybody did. And how do you know it's not because they're really unwell in some way?

Were you hoping to be congratulated or complimented or what? I've only ever come across others congratulating people on weight loss when the person has brought it up as something they saw as an accomplishment.

The MA is fab news and it's disappointing they didn't share in your excitement.

Dinosforall · 02/03/2019 20:07

I wouldn't comment on weight loss in case I was wrong, and also because I have learned from MN that some people wouldn't view it as a compliment.

PissOffPeppa · 02/03/2019 20:07

Oh I feel for you. My mum is exactly like this. When I told her I was starting an MA she said “that’s good” and changed the subject.

It feels shit doesn’t it? Congratulations on both the weight loss and the application/ acceptance. It sounds like it was really difficult for you so you should be really proud of yourself.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/03/2019 20:08

I'm really, really rubbish at noticing weight gain or weight loss. It's not something I'm interested it and it's simply not on my radar. Someone told me the other day they'd lost 3 stone. I see them 2 or 3 times a week as just hadn't noticed.

Could the people in your life be a bit blind and unobservant like me?

And,never forget that you're doing this for you and your son. You don't need approval from others. You sound like you are doing sone amazing things to help you both. Keep doing what you're doing

ThinkIveFoundYourMarbles · 02/03/2019 20:11

Very well done on your weight loss and your uni place, OP!

I lost 3 stone quite recently and the only people who really commented where those who don't see me regularly. Weight loss isn't as noticeable to people who see you every day unless it was a particularly dramatic loss.

As for the uni place, maybe your family is worried you're taking on too much with a 2 year old?

Not making excuses for everyone, but just pointing out that it's not necessarily a case of people just not caring.

pandora206 · 02/03/2019 20:26

I think adult life is often like this. People don't necessarily notice or comment on the things that are not of direct importance to them. It's easy to take that personally but I think it's healthier to assume others are preoccupied with other thoughts and treat yourself (literally) well. And sometimes, we have to blow our own trumpets too: we need to remind others just how much has been achieved by slipping it into the conversation (but gently - too much is bragging).

Original poster

splishsplosh35 · 02/03/2019 21:11

pandora206 thank you, you've given me a different perspective on it, and I think you're probably right it's not important to them..... But, and I know it shouldn't, that makes me feel like I am unimportant to them. I think I just need to grow a thicker skin for once and for all.

OP posts:

SurgeHopper · 02/03/2019 22:04

How much weight have you actually lost?

CinammonPorridge · 03/03/2019 12:58

I found reading about the languages of love helpful - one of mine is words of validation.

Unescorted · 03/03/2019 13:19

Well done on both!
Sometimes people find it hard to accept someone is changing - especially if it is something they are meaning to do (weight loss is a prime example of this) because if you can do it, it means that they should be able to do it too. It highlights their inability to achieve the same. It becomes more problematic when their self value puts their ego above yours. Their internal monologue will go something along the lines of …. Splish looks good in that frock. I would look better in that frock. Oh has Splish lost weight? Oh shit she has. Maybe I won't look good in that frock. How has Splish lost weight - I am better than her at losing weight. Shitttttttt! Best just ignore it. IGNORE IGNORE nothing to see here.

You only get to see the IGNORE! part.

Belated happy Birthday Exhausted If it is any consolation my mum told me about an amazing birthday party & fab present she had got the person, on my birthday. Having failed to even wish me happy birthday.

HomeMadeMadness · 03/03/2019 13:25

I find it very odd they didn't congratulate you on your acceptance, ask questions etc. I would definitely just accept that you can't look to them for that kind of thing. It's a shame your family aren't more supportive but that's the way it is. Are there other people in your life more willing to celebrate with you?

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