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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isn't 'smug'

17 replies

Home77 · 02/03/2019 15:04

I have known a friend a few years, so quite well. I happened to mention in conversation how I was glad my DCs seemed to be doing OK, as I had a difficult family life and had always worried how they might turn out. It was not easy to say, and has been a worry of mine.

She said "I wouldn't be smug about it' and I wish I hadn't said anything. I don't think I was being smug, to be glad and relieved I had not relived my own upbringing...will think again before confiding in anyone.

Maybe it was as she didn't know me that well. Not sure. It is not easy parenting when you don't have any guidance on how to do this from your own parents as they were e.g. emotionally abusive..it has not been easy doing it all alone and I've made an effort to go to parenting courses etc to try and learn how to be a good parent. However this doesn't mean I think I'm any better than anyone else, just I have managed to be relatively 'normal' for the DC's. Sad this has been interpreted this way and feeling this friend does not really have my back, as surely friends should be happy for one another.

OP posts:

Newhere555 · 02/03/2019 15:07

You weren’t being smug and your “friend” should have been happy for you. Maybe she is a little jealous.

PickledLimes · 02/03/2019 15:18

You don't sound at all smug. She's being ridiculous.

A friend's son attempted suicide recently and as a result has been left severely disabled. Someone she knows said to my friend 'Oh, my son would never try to take his own life. He's so popular and intelligent.(Said friend's son is also very popular and intelligent) Now that's smug.

recrudescence · 02/03/2019 15:24

No, not smug at all. But don’t let this one comment from one person put you off your stride.

Original poster

Home77 · 02/03/2019 15:25

Yes, I was definitely not being boastful, or going on about them being popular / intelligent etc. Just they generally seem happy. I will take care who I open up to in future, as it hurt.

OP posts:

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 02/03/2019 15:28

Does she have her own children? Are any of them going through a difficult patch at the moment? Or have they gone through a difficult time in the past? If so, your fairly anodyne statement could easily have come over as smug - even if you weren’t aware of any of this.

IncrediblySadToo · 02/03/2019 15:29

You don’t sound smug at all. You just sound thankful & relieved. You should feel very proud of yourself too though 🌷. It’s quite something to come from an abusive/dysfunctional/difficult background and bring your children up very differently. Well done 😊🌷

Your ‘friend’ is not a friend, she’s a twat.

PickledLimes. Fucking hell. I swear some people just have NO filter/sense/compassion. Your poor friend.

Sparklesocks · 02/03/2019 15:30

Not smug at all, it’s a really strange reaction from your friend.

Arowana · 02/03/2019 15:31

Don't take this to heart OP. You weren't being smug but her comment probably just came out wrong. If she's usually a nice thoughtful person I wouldn't see this as a big deal at all.

CinammonPorridge · 02/03/2019 15:41

would have thought that was a strange reaction. I wouldn't have taken it personally because I would be proud of what I'd achieved regardless of anyones reaction.

I would feel sad they couldn't be happy for me too. I would remember they are a bit miserable and be wary of sharing joyful news with them in future.

I wouldn't be wary of confiding in other people because all people are different.

I would do something nice to celebrate doing well.

CinammonPorridge · 02/03/2019 15:42

I would try and see the positive in my friend too.

WolfhoundsofLove · 02/03/2019 15:49

You deserve better friends than her. Well done for overcoming everything your parents put you through. Keep going, don’t let people like her take from you what you’ve earned.

PtahNeith · 02/03/2019 15:53

Weird definition of friendship.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/03/2019 15:55

It sounds like she could be defensive. Have her kids given her a hard time?

Sassysolly08 · 02/03/2019 15:59

I think I'd want to redress that point with my friend. Wanting what is best for your DC is what most parents want. Having been through a difficult family life yourself you were only comparing how you see your children in comparison to your own upbringing. Nothing smug in that. Just being genuine.

Springisallaround · 02/03/2019 16:11

This is not smug and as everyone has said, it's pretty mean to interpret it that way. I'm happy for my friends if their children are out of trouble, have good jobs and are less of a worry, that so often isn't the case. You don't sound boastful you sound like you are counting your blessing as well as reflecting on your own very difficult childhood.

It's a shame the friend took it that way and didn't have anything more positive to say to you. Only you know if this is a good friend, this wasn't typical or you want to bother addressing it.

Witchend · 02/03/2019 16:11

I don't think it was smug, but are you are it wasn't in a jokey "sod's law is now you've said that something will happen" way or when people say things like "dc has grown out of tantrums now, touch wood".

Yabbers · 02/03/2019 16:12

I don’t think you were being smug. But I don’t think she was being mean. It’s a pretty common thing to say in parenting. Just when you are getting all “smug” about how great your children are, they turn in to the kids from hell. Like how “smug” I was about my child eating veg, then she just wouldn’t. Or about how well she was doing at school then she wasn’t. Or about how healthy she was then she had a run of nasty viruses. I wouldn’t say it was necessarily a dig at you personally.

But you could also have simply explained that you weren’t being smug, it’s just that because of your past it’s a worry for you. If she doesn’t know you well, you can hardly blame her for saying something upsetting only in the context of your past.

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