Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

For not updating friend

53 replies

Chipsncheeze · 02/03/2019 11:55

A friend of mine (F1) fell out with me a few months ago after I admittedly said an insensitive comment to her (I thought I was being helpful but my brain engaged before my mouth). A follow up attempt to redeem the situation with humour wasn't well received, so I swiftly apologised but heard nothing.

A mutual friend of ours (F2) took ill a month later and so I txt F1 to let her know as she lives far away from me and F2. F1 continued no contact with me but. Had received my messages as she txt F2 to see if she was OK.

Another month passed by and I sent a very long grovelling apology to F1 hoping she would forgive me. I heard nothing again.

F2 took ill last week but this time I never txted F1 because she's not spoken to me in 2 months so I figured she won't forgive me and I'm not her personal newsfeed. F1 found out that F2 was ill again and has finally texted me in anger that I didn't inform her about it.

So AIBU not have not texted when F2 was ill again and how should I respond back?

OP posts:

Alienspaceship · 02/03/2019 12:53

What exactly did you say? This is relevant to make a judgement about her behaviour.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/03/2019 12:57

Tell Friend1 to fuck right off, you already apologised, the END.

eddielizzard · 02/03/2019 12:58

It's hard to get a sense of F1 / put things in context without knowing what the offensive thing was. Was she justified or overreacting? Has she done this to other friends?

Anyway, maddening / pictish's response is good. Or ignore.

The friendship is clearly over.

Fishwifecalling · 02/03/2019 12:58

I like the response pictish wrote.

pinkyredrose · 02/03/2019 13:00

Depends what you said to her in the first place really.

WarpedGalaxy · 02/03/2019 13:02

Don’t respond. You can’t win here. You’ve done what you can to make amends, apologized and kept her updated about f2 previously but she hadn’t acknowledged any of your messages. She can’t have it both ways, if she wants no contact that’s what she gets or she should have had the courtesy to bloody reply when you were kind enough to keep her in the loop.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 02/03/2019 13:03

F1 is batshit. And enjoying feeling and playing the victim.

I would respond making it clear that you have respected her obvious wishes to not contact her any more, clearly demonstrated after she repeatedly failed to accept your apologies or respond for over 2 months, so she'll have to keep up with any mutual friends' news by herself. You are not her PA, and will not be abused for not acting in that capacity.

Ididalwayswonder · 02/03/2019 13:03

What was said in the first place to make her fall out with you?

Samind · 02/03/2019 13:04

Friend 1 has had plenty of opportunity to speak to you. Still holding a grudge and it's not your fault and I would just say to them that you're not a honestly messenger and that they chose to ignore you for long enough. Not your problem OP.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 02/03/2019 13:05

Oh, it's irrelevant what the OP said 2 months ago. She apologised for whatever it was repeatedly. It was then up to F1 to accept or reject said apology. She has clearly rejected it. So OP is well within her rights to accept the decision and not be her PA.

Plus, if it was something truly awful and horrendous, why on earth would F1 even want OP to be the one filling her in when things happened to others? The mind boggles.

outpinked · 02/03/2019 13:05

F1 is no longer a friend, you need to accept that. I would personally block her and move on. You weren’t unreasonable to not text her, no. If F2 is close to her, she would have let her know.

CantStopMeNow · 02/03/2019 13:06

Why do you feel you need to respond when she chose to ignore your repeated apologies and refused to acknowledge the courtesy you did of letting her know about F2 the first time?
Just ignore her....

Lizzie48 · 02/03/2019 13:08

Judging by her behaviour right now over the OP not updating her, I'm inclined to think that the original offence wasn't that great. She sounds like something of a drama llama to me.

Yabbers · 02/03/2019 13:17

“Who is this?”

When she responds that it is F1 say “oh, I deleted your number as your lack of response made it clear you didn’t want to hear from me”

RhodaChrosite · 02/03/2019 13:28

Another one who thinks maddenings text sounds good. It gets the point across without sounding grovelly and puts the ball into her court if she wants to try pick up the friendship before you unintentially upset her.

RhodaChrosite · 02/03/2019 13:29

Though I agree with the pp’s who say she sounds hard work and prone to over-reaction.

NannyRed · 02/03/2019 13:31

F1 has made it clear she doesn’t want any communication from you, so ignore her. You are not responsible for F2 either.
If F2 wants F1 to know how I’ll she is, F2 can blooming well send a text to F1.

Over600Ecalypts · 02/03/2019 13:31

Agree with pictish, maddening and bill - F1 can't have it both ways. They are NC with you and you've respected that.

I like Yabber's suggestion. Maddening's text makes a good follow-up to that or you can use it as your response.

However, I think there is no chance of rekindling your friendship with F1 and so, whatever you do, it's about reaching your own peace with that.

If F2 wanted F1 to know, F2 would find a way to pass that on themselves.

NannyRed · 02/03/2019 13:32

And stop grovelling to F1 to be her friend, find nicer, new friends who don’t expect grovelling apologies for an indiscretion!

Nothingunpleasant · 02/03/2019 13:32

As a pp said, she can’t have it all ways.

perci08 · 02/03/2019 13:39

Brilliantly put together, cool, calm and to the point!

BlimeyCalmDown · 02/03/2019 13:43

I'd still like to be nosey and know what you said to her originally!

Honeyroar · 02/03/2019 13:46

I think I’d still have text if it was a life and death situation re your friend’s illness- otherwise I’d just reply that you’ve tried very hard to apologise, she’s made it perfectly clear she doesn’t want to accept or be friends, so you’ve accepted that and moved on.

kayaholly · 02/03/2019 13:54

You accepted responsibilty for your mistake, and you apologised for it, she didn't want to accept that which is her right, but she either wants to remain in contact or she doesn't, and she made it very clear that she doesn't. She can't now turn round and give off because you followed her wishes. Well she can but she is being unreasonable here. If she doesn't want to speak to you, then she doesn't get to have you speak to her. It may be worth sending a final polite contact just pointing out that you were following her lead in that she hasn't wanted contact with you for months and if she wants to continue a friendship then it's a 2 way street. You messed up, and you tried to make amends, you have done everything you should have done, so if she doesn't actually want to have any more contact from you then that means no contact and she needs to contact F2 herself, if she's that concerned about her health she should have been cheking in with her herself anyway, so it doesn't give her the moral high ground on friendship.

JingsMahBucket · 02/03/2019 14:16

It’s none of our business what OP said to F1. The point is F1 is being a manipulative jerk and trying to have her cake and eat it too. That’s not fair to the OP and I think OP needs to get rid. Stop flagellating yourself, OP. F1 is never going to accept your apology. She just wants to have power over you while being lazy about her friendship with F2.

Flip

1 2 3