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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About a holiday with the ILs?

16 replies

Breckenridged · 02/03/2019 09:32

Honestly I think IABU so more looking for suggestions to get over it

We are due to go on holiday with ILs over Easter. We’ve been away with them before and they’re brilliant with the kids, always give DH and me time alone as a couple which we don’t otherwise get, etc.

But I’m dreading it to the extent I don’t really want to go. We have a 4yo, 2yo a newborn and I think the faff of the travel is a part of it.

But the main thing is that MIL talks constantly about how amazing their family is, how lucky we all are to be a part of it, etc, and I know it’s meant well but it really grates. I’ve lost both my parents now and whenever she talks like this it feels a bit pointed towards me. Im really missing my parents a lot at the moment - this pregnancy was very hard, and it was one of those times when I just desperately wanted my Mum, and I think that’s exacerbating my feelings.

Anyway. Happy to be told I’m being U and silly. Just needed to get this out and don’t really feel like I can talk to DH about it.

OP posts:

Uggywuggy · 02/03/2019 10:48

She sounds a bit tactless tbh! I’d say she most likely means nothing by it, although it is odd that she makes such remarks.

I think you do need to have a word with DH, I’m sure he’ll understand why you feel the way you do about it!!

BridlingtonSand · 02/03/2019 10:58

Just tell her!

“I feel so lucky to be part of DH’s extended family, but sometimes when you mention it i feel sad because it’s another reminder that both of my parents died so young”.

FullOfJellyBeans · 02/03/2019 11:02

I feel so lucky to be part of DH’s extended family, but sometimes when you mention it i feel sad because it’s another reminder that both of my parents died so young

This sounds good.or just something like "yes we are happy to be part of it, such a shame my parents aren't around too they were wonderful and would have been great with DC"

Singlenotsingle · 02/03/2019 11:05

Yes. She needs to know how you feel. If you tell her, I'm sure shell realise she needs to be a big more tactful.

rose789 · 02/03/2019 14:13

Oh bless you it’s a difficult one, as I’m sure she is just genuinely happy with her family and just hasn’t thought how it could make you feel.
My mil used to do that a lot. I adore my mil and she definitely did not mean badly by it she just loves her family. It came to a head on mother’s day when she was gushing how lucky she was to have such wonderful children and grandchildren and how blessed we were (several glasses of Prosecco had been taken ) I had to leave the room I felt so upset. My mum died when I was a young teen and Mother’s Day is always a difficult day and it just felt like a “look what we have and you don’t moment”
The next day I spoke to her about it and explained how it made me feel. She genuinely hadn’t thought of it and was horrified she had inadvertently upset me.

Do you think you could bring this up with the in laws yourself or maybe ask your dh to have a quiet word.
I do hope you are able to go and that you all have a wonderful holiday

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 14:17

MIL talks constantly about how amazing their family is, how lucky we all are to be a part of it, etc

That’s pretty weird and very tactless. Can your DH have a word and tell her stop it?!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/03/2019 15:19

It does seem to be a bit insensitive OP, do you think it’s a cack handed way of trying to make you feel part of her family?

Original poster

Breckenridged · 02/03/2019 15:31

Thanks all. I’m completely rubbish at that sort of conversation so maybe I will have to get DH to do it on my behalf. She’s a lovely, very generous spirited woman in most ways but she is insufferably smug and I think that’s so opposite to my own Mum which makes it harder for me to bear.

Actually DH has had to speak to her before about comments which bothered me, which were a sort of joke-not-joke about how DD has always met milestones very early because of their family’s ‘good genes’ (massive eye roll). It didn’t really stop her making the comments but at least she knows they annoy me now!

rose thank you for sharing that - that’s exactly the kind of situation I find hard.

OP posts:

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 02/03/2019 15:32

OP, I've lost both my parents too, and I understand just how much this hurts. Christmas is especially difficult for me, when I have (or used to have to) watch the in-laws play the charade of faux-happily families when in reality they mostly treated one another very badly. This is true to the extent that when one of them died, a surviving relative was left wracked by horrible but well-earned guilt over the way they'd treated that person. Unfortunately it was too much to hope for that any useful lessons would be drawn from this, or that the same behaviour wouldn't be repeated with another member of the family. People like this just don't have the insight to learn.

Your situation isn't so extreme as mine. I think your MiL's behaviour is unbelievably tactless but probably not malevolent (yes, I know, you'd think most most people would have more sensitivity and would just get a bloody clue). She'd probably be mortified if she realized how hurtful this is to you, but I do think she needs to be told, and that your DH should be the one to tell her.

If she continues doing this after she's been told, or makes a big deal out of being criticized etc., then yes, you have a problem. A reasonable person's reaction would be to be sorry their well-meaning but inadvertently callous comments were hurting someone, and to stop. Her response to this will tell you everything you need to know about your relationship.

AYBU? From me, that would be a big fat 'no'.

Bluetrews25 · 02/03/2019 15:32

Your DH will not 'get it' as he still has both of his parents.
It's not rational to resent others of your generation who still have parents, but you can't help it, and MIL is forcibly and firmly rubbing it in your face. She has either forgotten what it feels like or still has her own parents tucked away somewhere.
Maybe remind her of how she felt or ask how she would have felt if she lost both hers before FIL lost one of his and her MIL made similar comments.
It's a bit 'look at what you could have won!' only worse.
I hear you, OP.

Original poster

Breckenridged · 02/03/2019 15:45

Mariel gosh yes that is a much worse situation than mine. I’m sorry you had to go through it, and that you’ve lost both your parents too. It’s very hard

Bluetrews she still has her Mum, who is very elderly but an incredible woman. They still go on holiday together regularly - a very close relationship. Her Dad died a while ago but he wasn’t around when she was growing up anyway so I guess it wasn’t quite the same sort of loss.

OP posts:

Original poster

Breckenridged · 02/03/2019 15:46

And bluetrews, I’m sorry for your losses too.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 02/03/2019 15:49

Your DH should deal with this, v unfair on you.

RandomMess · 02/03/2019 15:53

Perhaps you should just say "actually my family was better as they weren't smug about it but they're dead now and I miss them every day"

But I can be a blunt cow when upset...

Bluetrews25 · 02/03/2019 16:48

Ah, Breckenridged, so she still has a parent - she doesn't get it yet.
My losses were ages ago, I am acclimatised! But thank you for the good wishes. Likewise to you. You will get there!
It reminds me of the bit in Harry Potter when he can see the 'invisible horses' that pull the carts to Hogwarts from the station. They were always there, but going through a loss opens your eyes.....

BridlingtonSand · 02/03/2019 17:02

It's not a competition random ! Just a little clear communication is required.

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