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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Waiting for 13 years

42 replies

Lakesideshona · 02/03/2019 08:32

I've followed mn for years and finally joined this morning as being a mum is in the planning stages!
My bf and I are both 30, have rented together for 2 years, have a dog and have always positively discussed children and marriage in the future. We started dating in college over a decade ago and have been a solid item ever since, we moved in together when it felt right for us and our careers had stabilised enough to afford it.

We have discussed ttc from September this year, it will give me a few months to work on my diet (I'm not overweight), I have share dividends due around then so buying a house will be more achievable and I'd like time to really plan and enjoy the experience. I thought wrongly that the question would be popped soon but a big bust up last night revealed that he now doesn't see the point in marriage and has no intention of proposing.

We both have generous incomes and there is no financial reason why we can't have a simple ceremony (a big wedding wouldn't suit me at all), he suggested changing my last name to his by deed poll or booking at a registrars if i insisted but I would then miss out on the romantic gesture I've always dreamed of and also don't want to march him down the registrar office if it's really not what he wants. Marriage itself is important to me for many reasons including being a legal partnership, taking vows and sharing a family name, as a side note both our parents are happily married. Of course I still see myself with this man for the rest of my life but I resent the fact that engagement and marriage has been taken away as an option so late in the game. The discussion is at a stale mate and I'm very upset about it.

AIBU? Has the romance of any proposal died after 13 years and planning a family do you think? WWYD? Should I just suck it up, have his children and forever be a Miss?

Many thanks

OP posts:

Inforthelonghaul · 02/03/2019 11:15

I just don’t understand how someone can be committed enough to father a child but not to get married. It’s a legal agreement that’s all but I do think it’s an important one and his reluctance says a lot about your relationship imo. I think if it’s really important to one person and unimportant to the other, do it any way. If one person has a problem being legally linked to another without bloody good reason, and there are children involved, find someone else and don’t get pregnant thinking it will all work out because there’s every chance it won’t.

Siriismyonlyfriend · 02/03/2019 11:18

If being married means something to you then I’d walk away.

EleanorLavish · 02/03/2019 11:20

I’m afraid I agree with others. He doesn’t want to get married to you.
Sorry.
He just doesn’t want to admit it, to you/himself/anyone else. And definitely doesn’t want to be ‘the bad guy’. He will string you along.
I’ve seen it quite a few times. After the break up he inevitably meets someone else and has a family pretty soon.
Time to find the right one OP. There really are plenty more fish in the sea.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/03/2019 11:22

Just wanted to point out that you can be married without a romantic proposal. I know very few people in RL who've had this and the relationship has lasted, I do know a few though.

Having said that, it's not the proposal that's the real issue. The real issue is that you want to marry him and he's making it clear he doesn't want to marry you.

ReturnofSaturn · 02/03/2019 11:27

Take him up on his offer of the registry office and see what he does?

Mmmhmmm · 02/03/2019 11:28

You will always harbour resentment that will increase because he views you as good enough to shag, live with, and even have kids with but not to marry.

I've been in your shoes before. This is a deal breaker imo.

lunabody · 02/03/2019 11:45

It sounds like the romanticism is the issue here. He's said that he'll get married at a registry office if it's that important to you - I think you need to take a step back and think about what it is that really matters. Why do you want to be married? Why do you want the romantic proposal? If you decide that marriage is really important to you, and he's happy to do it for you, then why don't you propose to him? Still a romantic moment, it will just be different to how you'd imagined it...

LatentPhase · 02/03/2019 13:10

Are you feeling bruised that the romantic proposal you were expecting isn’t happening? Because it sounds like he hasn’t outright said no to marriage?

Seems that common ground might be found, I am not hearing ‘no, never’ but you could actually both compromise and book a date. Not massively romantic but neither is splitting up and dividing assets in a way that honours the imbalance in earning power when one partner has sacrificed earnings. Which is what marriage is actually for. And surely he is committed if he really wants children?

If he is resistant to marriage then inform him any child will be given your name and he won’t be on the birth certificate. That might make him more enthusiastic!

Lakeside88 · 02/03/2019 13:31

Sorry I've been getting all my jobs done this morning, I know it's terribly rude of me not to reply. I'm having a good read through now and a cry, thank you so much for all your replies. I am really struggling with this and feel heartbroken. I know we need a good talk about it but I am really upset and need to clear my head and potentially make some decisions for myself first. I think I said in my first post that the actual wedding itself doesn't matter to me I'm just taking it very personally that he won't propose and doesn't want to marry me, I feel like I've somehow failed and I'm also appalled at myself for feeling this way. I'm sure I will get over it if we do a quick registrar wedding but in the back of my head I'm thinking why am I not good enough to want to marry even if he doesn't believe in it. Perhaps a registrar and party as suggested might be a compromise for us, I hadn't thought of that so thank you.

Lakeside88 · 02/03/2019 13:36

You've got it in one latentphase, I was googling giving children my own name last night and that is an option for me, not even as a threat but would genuinely make me feel more comfortable about it if he really didn't want to marry.
It seems irrelevant now but I am the higher earner so not a reason for him to use really? Maybe I'm missing something and that is relevant?

Lakeside88 · 02/03/2019 13:43

Sorry I'm not sure if I'm tagging people butteredghost thanks, you could be right maybe he said it thinking I wouldn't dare. He mentioned me wanting a big wedding, I honestly couldn't think of anything worse than walking down an aisle in white myself although I love attending other people's don't get me wrong. If that's the case I think it was really harsh of him as it has given me a glimmer of hope. You're right btw I wanted a proposal, maybe I've watched too many films. When I say romantic I mean the actual asking I'm not after a grand gesture, just the question itself really. The rings not important to me either btw id have to take it off to ride cross country anyway!

SrSteveOskowski · 02/03/2019 13:51

He doesn't want to get married but has said you can change your name to his? How kind

ASurfeitOfDuncans · 02/03/2019 13:55

Oh, brother, you're letting foolish, immature Hollywood crap govern your life. He will get married at the registry, so do that then. 'I've been thinking about what you said and being married is important to me and I won't buy a home or have children with someone I'm not married to, so the registry office sounds like a good plan. Let's get a license and do it.' And see what he says. But do NOT buy a house, change your name or have kids with a man you're not married to.

OhamIreally · 02/03/2019 13:55

It's sad you won't get the proposal you want but if he's said book a registrar then on some level he has actually agreed to marry you. Why don't you book it for a few months from now and suggest a bit of a party, have a really nice day and move forward with your lives. If he balks then you have your answer.

For those saying children are a bigger commitment than marriage this may be true for the woman. Many men simply walk away and pay a minimal amount of child maintenance as their only involvement in parenting (and some don't even do that).

Lakeside88 · 02/03/2019 14:05

Ok I think I'm getting the picture here and with a clearer head and less tears I can see that I could really make a go of booking a registrar and a small party. I don't however want to drag him there, a discussion will be needed to find out if this is something he would be happy with. Thank you so much everyone it was good to get it off my chest and see the different perspectives. Any other suggestions or opinions keep them coming, even the blunt ones!

lunabody · 02/03/2019 18:40

Good for you Lakeside, it's hard to think past the Disneyfied love stuff we grew up with and/or our imaginings of how we always thought something would be. The 'feeling good enough to be proposed to' thing is nonsense fed by 1950s gender traditions (but I think you know that) - his beliefs about marriage are nothing to do with you. Have a good chat with your DP, and hope you find your happy middle ground

Viewofsaturday · 02/03/2019 20:10

Do not have his kids OP. Don't put yourself at a career and financial disadvantage if he can't be arsed to marry you. Don't push out another human out of your front bottom and commit to looking after that person for the next 18+ years without some fucking commitment from him. Putting everything in joint names is not the same protection as marriage for you and your children. Do not give in. You're young. Lots of time to have babies with a proper grown up.

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