Not to go

[BrizzleMint]

Back story: my mother is a very domineering, I know best kind of person and we have a love/hate relationship. She thinks we get on really well but in reality I don't like her but keep the peace most of the time. As long as you do what she wants it's fine. She does do a lot for us in some ways but it's not in the practical caring way, she's quite remote like that.

This week my dd was supposed to do something for her after school when I was at work but couldn't go one day because of a voluntary job, then had hpv vaccinations the next and felt ill so went straight home, the next was late leaving school due to d of e, then voluntary work again so couldn't get to where she had to go which is closed today as my mother choose a place that only opens until 4pm weekdays.

My mother is now furious and had a go at me last night about it. She knew dd wasn't well during the week and didn't check how dd was.

We were going to meet for coffee later but dd doesn't want to go because she thinks that she will just keep having a go at her, I think she's probably right.

Aibu not to go?

anybody?

How old is DD? I’m assuming teens due to your reference to the voluntary work. I’d let her decide who she wants to meet and when and give it a miss. Your DM sounds too demanding.

Yes, she's 14 and doing voluntary work for the D of E.

I wouldn’t just not turn up without letting her know, so I’d send her a text message saying that unfortunately you won’t be able to meet her as you daughter is worried that she (your mother) will spend the time nagging her and criticising her over the fact that she was unable to do whatever she was supposed to do for her, through no fault of her own. Say that you’re sorry that you won’t be able to meet, but you don’t want your daughter to be upset and worried any more than she already is.
You’re telling her the truth and it’s up to her to try to resolve it. If she sends you back a text having a go at you over it, or rings you to have a go at you, just respond that it’s a pity she feels like that, and can’t see things from other people’s perspectives, but your first priority is your daughter’s wellbeing and you are not willing to put her in an uncomfortable situation when it is avoidable.

I've emailed and said DD has homework to do (true) and unplugged the phone (coward!). I should tell the truth but I can't face going there right now after a busy, stressful week at work.

Of course you can not go! It's your life ...Your DD is reasonable to decide she doesn't want to go, if grandma is being ungrateful , demanding & nagging (over some help she couldn't do due to being ill or already busy!!) Grandma needs to check her attitude. Enjoy that phone being off today!

Sod that, don't speak to her for a few days so she cools off then tell her they she can't expect so much from your child when she's got other things on and can have some time off sickness

You need to get this sorted for your own wellbeing and that of your daughter. You should not be bullied by your mother and nor should your daughter have to go through the experience of her mum being bullied.

This is a complicated issue and will not be resolved in short order, if your mother has times of being reasonable it may be necessary to have a discussion with her about this.

Alternatively you need to get some help.

If all fails you have to draw up some rules as to what you are willing to put up with and stick to some hard borders and boundaries. You need to look after yourself and your dearest.

What does your mum do for you OP?
Sounds like she’s feeling a bit unappreciated maybe?

Maybe she is but phoning and being obviously unpleasant isn't the way to get us to want to pay her attention.