Falling out with the world

[Tenzie]

Hi everyone,
Sorry in advance, this will be a bit long. I seem to be falling out with a lot of people over the past 1-2years. Recently I ha e come across many ‘friends’ who I know are not genuine friends but we’re food company to spend time with or chat to. I somehow realised that most people couldn’t handle my personality and in some way, shape or form were jealous of me. I am in no way anything special and neither so I feel superior. On the contrary in most relationships I sell myself short however as people get to know me, so feel they take advantage of my simplicity and naivety. I can’t scheme or play mind games. I get very upset and just bottle things up. Until comes a time when I explode and then I become the bad one.

I feel isolated and lonely now. What is wrong with me? I can’t help but be me. Maybe I have too many expectations from my friends. Also I struggle with anger issues. When I am angry I really have a big outburst and then very quickly calm down. But during this time I end up saying mean things. However I am not the one to start it. I believe I am quite a loyal and caring friend and fun to be with. But the people I attract just seem to be all wrong. I am 38, very hard to make new friends now. And my dd who is 7, seems to be following suit. She too struggles with friendships. What do we do??? Thank you x

I have no good advice sorry. I also have a problem making and keeping friends. I don't get along with most people and I really hate that alot of people seem to be two faced and very fake. I also have anger issues and can be quick to angry outbursts. Also can find it hard to forgive people and I hold grudges over what others would think are minor things.

You really need to control these angry outbursts, especially if you say mean things. People will just think you're hard work, and steer clear. Maybe an anger management course?

I just want to say I can understand how you feel about falling out with the world. I used to think I had a lot of friends until I quit drinking 3 years ago. I don't know if it's because they don't like sober me or maybe 40 something, childless, married ladies aren't that interesting. IDK.

It hurts though don't you think? I have/had two besties, have known both over 10 years. My female friend is in her 50's, we have lived far apart for the last several years and she has fallen on hard times which has caused me lots of tears and worry. Working is pretty much my life so I certainly helped her out every chance I had and would have done a lot more if I could.

Then my world started to fall apart and I couldn't do as much. I told her what was going on with me thinking she'd call, reach out or something. Haven't heard from her in like three months not to see how I'm feeling or anything. And I've helped her carry her loads for years.

Same with other friend, male. Think the world of him. Have bailed him out of some tight spots, non financial. Told him I was having problems and...crickets.

Tenzie I'm only telling you all this because your post really resonates. Those are just the two biggest examples. Maybe it is just the times we are living in. Or maybe we are easy to take advantage of. I just know it makes me feel very isolated too.

What is it about you that make people jealous?

Stop acting as though your friends are being unreasonable because they ditch you after you've lost your temper. Most people will cut you off after being on the receiving end of a nasty tirade.
It sounds harsh but if you're falling out with lots of people but they are keeping their other friends, the common denominator / cause is you.

You need to work on you. Find better ways of dealing with your feelings so you change the pattern of bottling things up then exploding. Your daughter is learning from you how she should be handling her emotions and she isn't learning healthy lessons at the moment.

Your insight seems to be spot on. You are probably quite an intense person, maybe give a lot even to people who don't ask for half what you give them but expect 100%. When you don't get it after waiting for it you get angry and lash out. Sadly, being mean to people is very hurtful and it is the best way to get them to want to avoid you.

I would think your focus needs to be on what you expect from your friendships. Could you want too much from it. Are you too reliant on them? Being 38 is definitely not to late to make friends. I have made plenty later than that but friendships are not much different to relationships, you have to want the same thing from it and you need to let it grow and flourish before you can get genuine comfort from them.

If you've known someone a long time though, and consider them a friend then you should be able to just be yourself every now and then. As long as you aren't verbally abusing your friends. I have friends who are moody and it's a relief to just be cranky sometimes but don't be mean!

It’s hard to know from a brief thread but I also think it’s just something that happens as we age. I have a few girlfriends but I realised for some other friends I was the one always getting in contact and asking if they were ok etc. Then one day I just thought to hell with it Im sick of it never being reciprocated so I backed off. Maybe you’re not giving enough to the relationships so friends have thought to hell with that.

Except in the rarest of extreme circumstances, grief etc there is no way I would tolerate a friend being "mean" to me. I would just walk away as I don't need that in my life.

I wonder if you perceive slights that aren't there?

Have you been checked for asd? Only because of the angry episodes you describe

I would not want to be friends with someone with a bad temper, and agree with the anger management suggestion.

most people couldn't handle my personality and in some way, shape or form were jealous of me.

Really? Most people were jealous of you? I would be very surprised if most people are jealous of you. Falling out is more likely to not be jealousy if it is most people. More likely that you lack self awareness about an aspect of your behaviour.

You say you sell yourself short, are simplistic and naive and explode with anger. Theses aren't qualities that would naturally instil jealousy.

You've been falling out with a lot of people. Are you just feeling more sensitive lately or perhaps you are just outgrowing others who have different lives as we do from time to time.

Do you have any hobbies where you could meet like-minded people who you are more likely to be in tune with?

It's your statement about most people being jealous of you that rings alarm bells for me. I don't think I'd get on with the type of person who thinks I'm jealous of them!

The jealous thing is an odd thing to say. Its never occurred to me that friends would ever be jealous of me. May be you need to shift your outlook a bit and find ways to deal with the anger - meditation? Running?

I feel for you and can relate 100 percent.
I was pathetically in tears to my husband about it the other night.
To me a friend is someone you can laugh with in the good times and see you through the bad times.
Being the person who bent over backwards for everyone then realizing your ‘friends’ don’t care.
Now I have that fuck everyone attitude I gave so much of myself and for nothing in return.
It’s so tough sweetie xx
I don’t have much advice except sometimes the more people you have in your life the more your mind gets cluttered with their crap.
I’m much happier now I feel like I have no one to answer to or be catty about my life achievements.
I feel like there is genuine friendships out there but I haven’t been lucky.
Maybe do what I did and lower your expectations of people.
I meet one friend she talks only about herself and her problems dsnt want to hear my news. So I don’t say oh my business is soaring I’m doing this or that. I sit and say nothing.
Onother friend..she texts declaring she loves me wants to meet..takes months because she is so flaky..we meet..she makes it clear that she fancies my partner and wants me and him and her fella to go for a meal like why so she can rub his shoulder and flick her hair and do her fake laugh that may work for local lads but my husband is not like them..sigh..
The other friend I got back in touch asked me to be her bridesmaid I said ok then was sending me cheeky messages about how she can’t afford bridesmaids dresses so she’s not paying for mine. I declined and actually just blocked her she’s out of the picture now.
I have ‘friends’ ie people I could call to but are they true friends? I don’t think so...
I see so much of what you are seeing..people being fake..what do we do? Tolerate the fake ness for the sake of someone to meet up with? Or have no one to meet at all

My older sister is very much like you, OP, and believes everyone's jealous or insecure about her, and is prone to angry tirades when she perceives a slight against her. As much as I love her, she is exhausting and she gets through friendships relatively quickly. It's almost a family joke now that she works her way through us all, falls out with one and loves another then switches and falls out with the next one. We've all learned to keep our distance and I keep her very much at arms length simply because her highs and lows are draining and selfishly I don't want my DC seeing it.

I would work on your temper and help your DD do the same; when you see she's leading up to anger, find a way to re-route it positively, if she's able to understand her emotions and know that she's responsible for them, she can begin to channel them. It's fine to get cross, it's fine to feel angry, it's not the feelings that are bad or wrong but the angry outbursts that go with them, so work on that with her; as she starts to adapt her behaviour you'll probably recognise moments of your own you can choose how you respond.

You don't have to have a huge circle of friends, you don't have to be the life and soul. But there's a gentle way to hold down friendships without outbursts; when someone takes advantage, it's ok to say "I don't like that" or "I can't do that for you" and still retain the friendship. But you're never going to meet a friend who ticks 100% of your boxes 100% of the time; there will be quirks and foibles you're not so keen on, times when they aggravate you and times when you think "I can't deal with this" and rant to another person. Friendship isn't always lovely, but the love that holds down your foundations absolutely is the best thing on earth when you find your group.