Please help :(

[zoekickin]

This is going to be a long one I'm afraid as I don't want to drip feed...and it's going to be super weird and odd.

I've been with my partner for five years. Between us we have five beautiful children, and have had a very happy five years, despite serious health issues(ending up with me having brain surgery and sepsis)

Partner is my full time carer, and looks after me very well(he used to be a nurse)
Anyway, we have both had issues in the past. Hes a terrible flirt, and I've got a HUGE sex drive he cant always keep up with!
We sat down at the very beginning of the relationship and decided to spice our.lives up with swinging. Yes, swinging.

Not a problem, boundaries were set, rules were made. You cannot swing without mutual respect, and we both seemed to value that.

Fast forward five years. We had a bit of an argument, and after finally sitting down and talking about it we decided to put the swinging on hold for a while. I was struggling mentally, and was not dealing well with him sexting and flirting with.multiple other women. It came to a head when I found out he'd been web camming with one of them, and, well, you can guess.
I told him I couldn't deal with the jealousy anymore. So we both agreed no more.

I thought that was it, all talked about and sorted.

Two nights later, after we'd 'made' up, I came downstairs to take an ibuprofen as I had a headache.
Jumped on the laptop and his Facebook page was flashing open.

I honestly couldn't help myself :( and I snopped.
That whole evening he'd been sexting with three other women.

I calmly sat him down again. Well, I say calmly, I was in tears.
I told him how he'd hurt me by lying to me, and continuing to do something that made me so uncomfortable and jealous.

He was very apologetic, begged for help. Said he needed help and couldn't stop doing this sort of thing.

I am now lost. I honestly don't know what to do.
I cant trust him, and don't know if he will ever gain that trust back.
He has hurt me so badly I feel crushed.

I've put the relationship on hiatus for the time being, until he is willing to get couples counselling.
He wants to get counselling for himself before we work on 'us'

Aibu to wait? Should I wait or should I just end it?

I know it's super complicated and a huge bloody mess, but my head is so fucked up now :(

Wow... the two of you really know how to play with fire.
I feel for you though OP and your DP has a lot of work to do to build the trust back up.
Is he worth hanging around for?

Has he taken steps to get counselling for himself? Do you believe he's genuine in wanting to deal with his issues?

I think being on hiatus is probably a good thing for now but only if it's clear he's taking action to resolve his issues.

I'm also not so sure about waiting for couple's counselling. It's possible to do both in parallel, so if you both want to true save your relationship then why wait?

You talk a lot about the sexual side of your relationship which clearly has caused these recent problems, but what about everything else? Are there other issues?

I don't think you should (or need) to rush into a major decision right now but I do think you need to reflect on if you think you want to make things work.

If you struggle with jealousy, why did you suggest swinging?

Swinging as a couple, and secretly sexting and web camming are very different things!
Swinging is something that couples do together within mutually agreed boundaries.
It's not the same as an open relationship, which is what he's behaviour suggests he thinks he is in.

OP nobody else knows your relationship, there's more to a life with someone than sex.
This sound shitty and I am sorry, but being a carer must change the dynamic of a relationship, maybe he's struggled with that. It doesn't excuse him doing things he knows you would not be happy with though. It's why communication is so important if a real partnership is going to work in any situation!

Thank you for all your replies. It means a lot you've taken the time.

I introduced him to the world of swinging, for some fun and he took to it and loved it. But you are right, their has to be rules and agreements in place or it doesn't work.
Swinging is done together, and that was the way we worked it.

Him sexting and web camming behind my back is not swinging. Like you said, he is treating it like an open relationship, which it most certainly is not and he knows this.

He knows hes done wrong, hes well aware of that fact. Hes not willing to do couples therapy at the same time as person counselling. I don't know why, he wouldn't say. I told him if he wasnt willing to work on our relationship then I couldn't be with him for the time being.

Him being my carer does totally change the dynamics of the relationship, and it's something I worry he is struggling with. Maybe that's the problem :(

I love him dearly, and literally cannot see myself without him, he means far to much to me.
I am willing to forgive him, absolutely. But I don't know how on earth I am ever going to get any trust back.

I am also very concerned he doesn't seem willing to work on us. Mayne he does want out?

Imo you need to take your relationship back to the basics.
One on one.

I wish I had the answer for you OP, this sucks.

Personally, I don't think I believe you can switch a relationship on and off - I'd either be breaking up or trying to work on forgiveness while he tries to work on regaining trust and showing you the respect you deserve. But that doesn't mean that's what's right for you! X