Co parenting with a man child

[jennybinky]

I have a 3 year old with my ex. He has always been next to useless since she was born but i put it down to her being small/him being immature etc. Well she's 4 soon and he's still just as bad. She sees him every saturday 11-4, but it's like he could care less. I drop her off and he rarely does anything with her unless someone else is going/suggests it.
Puts her in front of the tv mostly. His behaviour in front of her is inappropriate in my opinion - swears, spits, constant cigarette breaks, no toys for her at his house, rarely gives her a meal just crisps and sweets. The list is endless. I have tried and tried with him even he would admit that but there is no helping him be a half decent dad to her.

She now doesn't want to go to his. Last time she was due to go she got so upset crying and i told him i wasn't forcing her to go. Spoke to him again today and said that if she's like that again this week she won't be coming as i'm not forcing her. He replies telling me that I have to make her do things she doesn't want to do or she will grow up doing what she wants. I don't think i'm being unreasonable? I understand she has to do things she doesn't want to (she hates doing many things - teeth brushing for example but i make her do it) but having to get her into the car and then leave her when she's that upset is not something i'm willing to do.

Does anyone have any advice on getting him to understand she needs to be doing things/needs feeding/shouldn't be witnessing inappropriate things as above? And am i being unreasonable here?
Thanks

From my experience of court it wouldn't be considered neglect but rather 'different parenting styles'. The bar is set very low for what is considered good parenting.

And a court would also enforce contact despite your child being reluctant as she is a child and doesn't get to make decisions of which parent she sees.

I agree with perhaps going with him to the park or softplay and see how that goes.

I don't know if different area's SS would respond differently so please don't not do anything based on my story. I was surprised too, I thought they would be as concerend as we are.

I would make him collect so he has got to make an effort. I'd also pack a little lunch for dd or give her a big breakfast and let her take things to do. Blobbing in front of the TV isn't the worst thing ever once a week so I'd focus on her being happy and making her feel loved even if her dad shows it in an odd way. If it's moved to neglect then ss is the way to go but I would ensure you're open for your dd to talk to you and not pass judgement on her Dad’s approach (for her benefit not his). The impact of a crap dad is big on dc so I would do all I could to mitigate it.

@Travis1 actually no. Eating junk and watching tv for a few hours isn't harmful or neglecting her. It's lazy parenting granted but having seen cases of serious neglect and abuse, in the grand scheme of things it really isn't that bad.
It's not forcing her to see 'a person she doesn't like' he's her father for goodness sake and just because he doesn't meet the OPs parenting standards (when presumably at some point she liked him enough to get pregnant by him) is no reason for denying access!!

If you are there with her he isn't going to make any effort is he?
But it s not her main meal so crisps for lunch once a week isn't the worst for her. In terms of involving ss I don't think they will do anything.
If she comes back bruised or injured or in soiled clothing with sores then may be....

As she gets older encourage her to ask daddy to go to the park etc.
Once she goes to school she will have parties and things in his time so he will need to take her and step up

@feralfanny donating some sperm and planking a child in front of a tv for 5 hours does not a father make!

@feralfanny my point is not that tv and crisps are harmful or neglectful, my point is that every single week she goes there and he cannot be bothered to attempt to make her even just a sandwich. My point is that instead of having any kind of interaction with her he would rather use the tv as a babysitter. Also FYI I don't think that wanting a parent to show some interest or love to their child is expecting too much. Just because he doesn't physically harm her doesn't mean he isn't doing other kinds of harm. Liking him enough to get pregnant is absolutely irrelevant here.. you have no idea of what situation or circumstance led us here so it's probably best not to pass too much judgement - just for future reference

As for everybody else who are quite helpful in their responses i appreciate it you've all given me a lot to think about.
I think ss is a bit drastic currently I would much rather try alternatives first and see if he

I think ss is a bit drastic currently I would much rather try alternatives first and see if he responds at all.

Not sure why the last part of the message cut off

How would you feel about him coming round to yours for a couple of hours on a Saturday? That way your daughter could build a relationship with him in a place she feels safe and you could perhaps encourage him to take her to the park, read to her, watch a bit of TV or a film with her etc.

@feralfanny i know it's facts you are telling us rather than your perosnal view but it's so disproportionately unfair on women that what you say is true . What he does isn't neglectful once a week but would be if he was a single parent with full time care. He essentially gets away with this because he is a man. The woman who provides care every single day on her own has to provide decent care but he gets away with being shit

I do accept that some women are the perpetrators but the majority of people who do this are part time shitty dad's and they get away with it because supposedly contact with a dad who a child dreads seeing because he is so shit and neglectful is more important than the child's comfort and happiness

@MsVestibule I would absolutely not mind that at all. I would actually rather that than having to see her upset every week. Making her go to his is making her more clingy at home and with other family members whereas she was previously fine. Maybe having him come here where she is comfortable and I can offer advice is a better solution for now. Still think he needs to rethink his 'parenting style' in general.