To ask people to tell me when they are coming round

[AshBluex]

I'm having an absolute nightmare at the moment with my parents and grandmother just 'popping in 'when it suits them. My DS is 4 months old and has pretty much mastered a little routine.

We live round the corner from both of them, and i have always been close with them although DP doesn't particularly like them - although he overlooks this for our DS. They are all retired, and obviously always 'about'.

I try and say come round at times that suit us all, but recently they seem to just appear at the worst Times such as feeding time or nap time. I understand they're just dying to see our little boy, but would I be really unreasonable to ask them to come at times we have agreed as otherwise me and my son are disrupted and interrupted regularly and it is quite frustrating when I'm trying to keep his routine?

Opinions very welcome, I don't want to upset my parents or grandmother but it is getting hard. And then when i am a bit rushed or busy when they are round they seem offended, like I dont make time for them to see DS .

Tia xx

It’s nice that you’re in a bit of a routine but don’t let that routine rule your life. It will evolve over time anyway, especially during babies first year.
I would just speak to them and say you’d love them to come round when you’ve finished pottering around so that you’re able to sit and chat with them whilst they cuddle baby instead of rushing around getting stuff done. If not I’d just carry on with what I wanted to get done whilst they sit there and watch. That’s a more rude approach but that may be what’s needed.

There's no way you can protect your child's routine without being firm with them when they appear at the door. I suggest saying "I'm sorry this isn't a good time right now I'm doing xyz currently please call/text me before you come or say "It'll be better if you visit at whatever time is convenient for you." They'll be offended but I'd rather that than a cranky baby who's routine is shot to hell

YANBU, I had exactly the same problem when DS was tiny. My parents were understanding and fit into a routine of coming at times to suit us all and do the same now that DD is here. Weigh this up against whether or not you want to risk alienating anyone. My PILs were treated exactly the same but chose to stop coming. We still have a perfectly good relationship but DS just isn’t as close to them.

Don't answer the door! Just ignore them if not convenient. You have to be firm!

We are lucky that we have huge fuck off and leave us alone gates so no-one can get to our front door without being let in, so very easy to hide. This is what i will be doing when baby arrives!

YANBU. The fact that they're close and able to come over at nearly any time means they can and should time their visits to accommodate your own more rigid routines.

I'd try suggesting a block or two of time when you'd be happy to have them visit, but it sounds like you've already tried that without results...

I don't think there's much you can do short of just explaining to them that your son is developing a routine and that it makes life harder for you when something disrupts it. They might not like being told not to come without asking first, but they should be able to understand it and respect your wishes.

As long as you make it clear that you and your son are looking forward to seeing them and enjoy their visits, there's no legitimate reason for them to be upset that you also need time when people aren't dropping by unexpectedly.

I don't have children yet but even I hate people showing up unannounced.

YANBU at all in my view, but then I hate unexpected visits at the best of times. Stand firm.

Although I'm confidently expecting the standard 'I despair of people on here, what's the world coming to when family have to make an appointment to visit' post to pop up very soon.

Honestly, I just wouldn’t answer the door!

YANBU, I hate unexpected visitors.

Regardless of the routine you've got with your DS, if you aren't keen on having unexpected visitors then you need to tell them that. It doesn't take much for them to give you a quick phone call if they'd like to visit.

Did they used to pop in unannounced before you had DS, if so, this might be a routine for them as well and they may not know you find it inconvenient.

I would send a group email out saying that from now on you won't be answering the door to unexpected visitors EVEN IF YOU ARE AT HOME and to call before popping round to check if you are busy or arrange a visit ahead of time.

Then stick to your guns.

Oh and when you say "it isn't really convenient" but let them in anyway you have just rewarded and reinforced the behaviour.

It depends how often this is. If its every other day prob annoying but once a week? You are lucky they want to see you. You could upset them very easily. Have you thought they may be lonely? If you are planning to go back to work they will be cut off from you then. Routines arelovely and this is a good age but Mum popping in shouldnt stop that , feeding, napping etc. Dont cut off your nose to spite your face. If you get on with them, enjoy it. You may need some help some day and if you push them away .... Relationships are important

How about the old trick of answering the door in your coat? Depending on whether you want the visit, you are always just on your way out, or have just got in!

My ils used to do this when DS was little. I found it very disrespectful in that they were assuming I had no plans of my own and if I do, then their wishes trumped mine.
I used to hide sometimes when the doorbell went and pretended I was out. I feel a bit ashamed of that sometimes but they had no concept of the fact that I needed done personal space and couldn't cope with them dropping in for the whole day, uninvited.
My own parents used to let me know but also weren't there all day.
In the end I asked DH to have a word and get them to phone first and agree a time and day that suited me too. It was hard going though.
I would find it impossible to turn someone away who was on my doorstep though. I think that would be super rude. I would ring them and ask that they call in advance so the baby's routine isn't upset. If they know you are really bothered and they still don't change, then you can be more forthright.

Call 101

I would want my parents and grandparents to contact me to ask if it is okay to come round, not tell me.

Sounds very reasonable to me. However, I was just wondering whether, before DS came along, you turned up unannounced at theirs. If so, maybe they think it's okay to just turn up too. Or, it may be just a sign of how comfortable they feel in their relationships with you.

I'm sure they'll understand if you give your reasons.

YANBU

you need to tell them, or ask them to come at xxtime because it's convenient (meaning not at YY time!)

I absolutely hate unexpected visitors too, their time is not more precious than mine, I have things to do and plans, it's not up to me to change them. It's not just about baby's routine, it's about basic manners and respect other people.

You do need to be firm, if they haven't got anything to do all day, they might not understand that not everybody's the same!