AIBU over DS guardian selection?

[MumInDMs]

Namechanged recently. I've got myself into a pickle thinking about who to make guardians of our son if we die. I think I'm overthinking. Can you help me work out if I'm BU?

DS is 2, only child at the moment. I appreciate the chances of this guardianship ever being needed are very low (we hope!) and also that there is no situation where we're going to be happy about being dead and our adored son having to live with someone else argh. But despite understanding this, I'm stuck.

Me and my husband would like my parents to take him. They all love each other, my parents are caring, we have shared values, and they'd bring him up in a way we'd be v happy with. But they are 70 now - is it unreasonable based on their age? Do people swap guardians as the initial guardians get older?

My sister is another option. She has two boys and is a great mum, we share many values. The kids love each other. However I think her husband is a dick, IMHO he has some very strange ideas about life in general, although he is a fun dad. He has got them into debt, does nothing around the house, leaving my sister working, running the house and doing all the work and care for the kids, which puts a lot of stress on her. I love my sister, but I don't like the idea of her husband raising DS.

My husband's mother is an option. He doesn't have a dad. MIL lives outside of the UK, and her and DS love each other. She is very caring, although there are big cultural differences. However she remarried, a guy me and my husband don't know well, and who doesn't have kids himself. He's very right wing and we absolutely don't share any values, I find his views pretty hard to take.

So AIBU to make grandparents guardians in this circumstance? Or am I hugely overthinking, and should give the responsibility to my sister / MIL, who have the abilty to look after him longer term, despite the surrounding people / values not being to our taste?

Thank you!!

Why not put down your parents and sister together?

Have you spoken to your parents about this? I wouldn't want to appoint a guardian who wasn't comfortable with caring for the child, should the worst happen. If they are 70 now they might not feel able to take care of a young child, or deal with teenage dramas when they are 80.

If the guardian you pick is deemed to be too old, your wishes will be overridden anyway in the child's best interests (losing parents and then losing guardian would be additional trauma). It doesn't have to be a family member if you have a very strong bond with a friend.

Gregory My parents are up for it. They think they're invincible. But I can see it becoming a burden for 80 year olds.

IceRebel - I'd not thought of that. How does that work from a practical sense? Thank you

Angelicinnocent I didn't know that, thanks. Definitely something to factor in. My parents want to do it, but I'm wondering if I need to be pragmatic, even though they would be my first choice.

I am the named guardian for a friend's daughter. It doesn't have to be a relative.

I’d put your parents and change it to your sister if they ever become infirm.

In our case, we thought about it as the Guardian being the person responsible for managing DD's affairs and making the decisions, should there be a need.

However, that MAY not be the person who is actually looking after DD on a day-to-day basis.

So we appointed someone who had no DCs but was able to manage money and be strong in decisions. It is likely that, should DD have needed it, she would have lived with a different family member.

So elderly parents who may not be able to physically care for a DC could be the ideal people to manage any money to care for that DC and also to make suitable decisions about schools etc. But maybe the actual housing and rearing on a practical level being a DSibling with or without DCs, but not needing to always make those bigger decisions.

Thank you all, that's really helpful.

So we could make my parents guardians, but change the day to day looking after if/when needed. That won't be for a while I hope, then we could decide if friends or my sister is best for this. And my parents could still be responsible for big decisions and finances, even if they can't do the day to day work.

We're doing our will at the moment. We're going to leave it up to my mother and brother to decide what's best for the kids at the time and depending on circumstances. Kids age, school exams etc.

We're also adding a letter expressing our wishes that basically means the least disruption for the girls. I think if you trust them enough to look after your kids you need to trust them enough to decide what's best for them at the time.

We sorted ours out and we choose my sister as she will raise them the closest to how we would.

But we could put down a backup option should anything happen to my sister or she chooses its too much for her.

You can always put down your parents with a backup as your sister.

Please discuss it in detail with potential candidates.
My now ex friend announced she had appointed me and it's all with her solicitor - without asking me!!

When we wrote our Will our solicitors said that the person you nominate is not obliged to look after them day to day, but is there to decide what happens.

My DM always said she would look after the DC if necessary but she is 80 now and with the best will in the world it would be too much for her. Instead we put DD1, who would be very unlikely to want to actually look after DD2 but would be in a position, with other family members, to decide what was the right thing to do at the time.(We did discuss it with her first, and she was 21 when DD2 was born).

I suspect now that DD2 is 12, if DH and I both died tomorrow that DS2 would take her. Circumstances change, and can't necessarily be forseen.

Have you actually asked your sister? My sister asked me but I declined as I don't want children