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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not mix my friends?

30 replies

bagpussvsgarfield · 01/03/2019 08:54

I have quite a few friends but all in little pockets/groups of 2 or 3 or even just 1 on their own. Not a lot of them know each other very well and they can all be quite different from each other.

Because of this, I tend to keep my work friends separate from my childhood friends, college friends, uni friends etc etc.

Therefore, if I'm having a gathering at mine and DH's house I tend to do so in groups. I'll invite the work girls round but won't also mix my school friends... even though they're all equally as important to me.

Is this weird to not mix friends or actually completely normal?! I thought it was normal until I started going to see a friend who would also invite one of her friends from uni. The uni friend is a nice girl, not somebody I would be friends as I think she can be a bit full on/come across rude sometimes. But my friend and her uni friend then talk about things I have no idea so sit there with a big smile like "...I don't get it..." as it's a you had to be there moment, and same for the uni friend when my friend talks about something only myself and her were there for!

Maybe I'm over thinking it now I just felt like her uni friend and her could've had a great catch up if I hadn't had been there not understanding what they were talking about and I could've seen my friend when we could've just freely spoken about things, also. Does anybody else feel like it's easier to keep people separate?!

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 01/03/2019 08:57

Depends on the size of the party - a full on party with both groups, no problem, but out in twos and threes, it's always going to be difficult if there is no common ground.

Put it in perspective, would you have two individual weddings/30th/50ths ? and the answer is no, they'd all have to get on in the same hall.

x2boys · 01/03/2019 09:02

It can be quite difficult sometimes mixing different groups of friends, it can also be awkward if someone brings a lone friend to a gathering of of say work colleagues when everyone knows each other and are talking "shop"

BuildAParsnip · 01/03/2019 09:03

I do the same. I think most people do.

Original poster
bagpussvsgarfield · 01/03/2019 09:04

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking I think I can worry to much about if people feel comfortable etc and I end up playing the host and overly making sure everybody is okay and not feeling left out of the conversation, explaining each and every point we are talking about etc it gets to the point I'm not even really enjoying it as I'm so aware/conscious of the situation!

But you are right for a "big" event I would have, and have had, everybody there but I think it's a bit different as even if one friend doesn't know my other friends they'll have their partner there (more than likely).

Also, hello! I saw you comment on another post recently and this is the first time I've remembered and recognised somebody's username!

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isseywithcats · 01/03/2019 09:05

Im like you i have biker friends, work friends the cat charity i work for friends and have never mixed them different occasions for different groups, maybe if i marry my partner they might be in the same room but that would be the only occasion, they all have different outlooks on life and i am different in the different dynamics

BlueSkiesLies · 01/03/2019 09:06

Depends on style of party. Large parties, yes you mix.

Also sometimes it can be nice to mix groups and introduce friends to other friends. Lots of our group have come about that way.

Narya · 01/03/2019 09:07

I'm the same and so is DP - we compartmentalise our social life. I have other friends that are the opposite though. I'm quite shy/introverted so I find it socially hard work mixing with all the other friends of a friend if I have no connection to them myself.

Original poster
bagpussvsgarfield · 01/03/2019 09:08

@x2boys Yes, I totally agree! And I guess it is quite "normal" to do this but when I realised that some of my friends don't do it (not a problem it just made me think I was odd for doing it!)

@isseywithcats I'm the same! Overall I am the exact same person so it's not like my friends would be like... "why do you act like that around such and such?!" but the dynamics are different and different friends bring out different sides of your personality!

OP posts:
Original poster
bagpussvsgarfield · 01/03/2019 09:10

^ Just realised it didn't make sense when I said "I'm the exact same person" when talking about how different friends bring out different sides of my personality! Hopefully you knew what I meant! I'm still "me" but a different version of me!

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elessar · 01/03/2019 09:11

I do a mixture, and it depends on the friends.

If I think certain people will mix well together then I'll do it, and that's resulted preciously in my mutual friends forming friendships.

But it doesn't work if someone is going to be left out or has nothing in common.

Jupiters · 01/03/2019 09:12

I agree, I tend to keep my friends into separate groups. I've arranged to do things with one friend who's invited another person I don't know before. The other lady was nice, but there were moments when I sat there, whilst they were reminiscing about shared experiences, feeling like a spare part.

Original poster
bagpussvsgarfield · 01/03/2019 09:17

@Jupiters I was the same!

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SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2019 09:19

I like my friends in boxes too OP, shared histories, shared experiences etc.

Then I had my hen do and just wanted everyone together and I realised that I'm only friends with nice people, funny people, sweet people, caring people and actually they all got on great. They all said how lovely every one else was and then at the wedding they all caught up with each other.
We still tend to do stuff in groups cos frankly it's hard enough organising anything anyway but if I was having a larger party or dinner party I'd def mix it up

isseywithcats · 01/03/2019 09:19

exactly im the same person but the conversations are different with the different groups bikes and rock music with one, work and family with the other and cats and cat related stuff with the third,

FullOfJellyBeans · 01/03/2019 09:19

I thought everyone did this. Unless you have particular friends who you think might get on most people keep it separate - otherwise it changes a gathering of friends to a gathering of people who don't all know each other making small talk.

BitchQueen90 · 01/03/2019 09:21

I have different groups of friends. One group I've known since school and they're my closest friends. Another group that I met through work and then various individuals that I've met at different points in my life. I never mix them as they're all so different!

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2019 09:22

I do have a friend who invited specific friends out together but were all a similar age, similar backgrounds so actually we do get on, and have become friends over the years although only seeing each other with the central friend. I think it makes a difference thst she has one friend from here and one from there from lots of places whereas I have 5 friends from here and 3 from there so it's harder ot mix it up

Original poster
bagpussvsgarfield · 01/03/2019 09:27

It seems in general I'm not the odd one out for not mixing it up very regularly!

Is there anybody who wouldn't even think twice and would happily invite a friend from say university and friend from work and not feel conscious of if someone's feeling like a spare part?

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Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 01/03/2019 09:32

One of my close friends is like this and tbh it really pisses me off / gets in the way of our friendship.
I feel ‘dropped’ when someone else comes along and excluded when there’s a local event I’m not invited to because she’s going with a different ‘set’ of friends.

GaraMedouar · 01/03/2019 09:33

I have a few individual friends, and see each one alone. Very infrequently to be honest, due to busy lives, but i'm not good in a group, much prefer one to one.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 01/03/2019 09:33

I wouldn’t think twice, OP. And I wouldn’t consider it my responsibility to make sure they get on.

JaceLancs · 01/03/2019 09:34

No I think it’s very normal!
I have old friends from when I lived in the south east
I have friends from when my DC were at school/nursery and we all used to chat at the school gates
Another group of friends are who I went to college with 10-15 years ago
None of them have ever met each other
There are also one on one friends who I meet up with individually such as ex work colleagues, or even one from my primary school of 45+ years ago
I don’t do parties so have never had them in a room together!

Original poster
bagpussvsgarfield · 01/03/2019 09:35

@Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump That's such a shame it gets you down! I'm sure she doesn't do it with that intention!

If you feel dropped when somebody else comes along but also excluded if you're not invited when she's seeing another group of friends it seems she can't really win! Maybe she's picked up of the fact you don't like it if she invites a friend along so perhaps you wouldn't be bothered about being invited when she sees other friends

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caughtinanet · 01/03/2019 09:36

I don't know if it's normal but I have different groups and I wouldn't mix them, you'd spend too much time explaining references from one group to the other, trying to find common ground etc, I think it probably is the norm as my friends must do the same, I don't get invited to mixed groups.

SweetButaPsycho · 01/03/2019 20:34

Im similar I have several groups of friends. School, work, old area I lived, volunteering etc and they rarely cross over. I also feel as though they all get slightly different versions of me. For example I'm very silly and outrageous with some, girly and gossiping with others. We also tend to do different things like one group are my theatre, film buff friends that we see shows with while another I generally go to the pub and party with. I think it's fairly normal as you get what you need from different friends and it often ensures you always have something fun to do.