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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with DP messing me around

22 replies

Haftseen · 01/03/2019 06:28

Anybody else had a man like this? As soon as I agree to his ideas or plans, he changes them. I'm getting so frustrated. He's suffered with a health condition that's meant I've been super accommodating and basically going with the flow with what he's wanted or needed.
Now I'm just bloody fed up.. Its as though he just tests to see what I agree to, then it alters.. examples are stuff like routines of getting in touch, we arrange, then he decides to alter it. Weekend visits or family outings, he'll decide we're not going. We arranged for me to meet an old friend of his for lunch... He cancelled it a few days prior....the list just goes on. He's got oh so good reasons for cancelling and changing, which just leaves me not knowing what the hell we or I am doing from one day to the next.

Probably most frustrating one was planning a trip away, told the kids... A few days later.. nope, he can't afford so won't be doing it. Needless to say I'm going anyway.... I feel like he's calling every shot, and even then it's not good enough for him.

OP posts:

PersonaNonGarter · 01/03/2019 06:31

This is a serious problem. Serious problem.

Get as far as you can with speaking to him about it - does he recognise he has issues? Ultimately this is a kind of control/phobia.

Blondebakingmumma · 01/03/2019 06:47

I can’t imagine my hubby making all plans and decisions. Surely you decide as a couple to cancel an outing??

Original poster

Haftseen · 01/03/2019 06:49

No! Things are changed and then I'm told!! I feel like crap tbh, like I just don't matter. If I say anything he'll just wind words round me and I'll end up feeling like I'm unreasonable.

OP posts:

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 01/03/2019 06:51

Do you live with him? Are the kids his? He sounds impossible to live with.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 01/03/2019 06:53

In all seriousness why are you with him? This would drive me potty and he’s messing around your (his?) kids too.

My DFiL used to pull this on his family when they were younger, it was 100% a control thing, playing god with their plans to show them “who’s boss”.

None of them speak to him now.

Original poster

Haftseen · 01/03/2019 06:56

Well I'm wondering this myself... It just feels like I'm hooked in and he's been great supportive etc but now I'm "relying "on him he's turning it on its head, and playing the jump/ how high game.
Hell say stuff like oh I really don't want to change such and such, but..... and then there's a flurry of reasons all about his needs as to why..

OP posts:

Blondebakingmumma · 01/03/2019 07:07

Don’t change your plans. Go without him. I’d be furious

Blondebakingmumma · 01/03/2019 07:08

I’m sorry to hear that you can’t go. We’ll see you later in the day

cakecakecheese · 01/03/2019 07:10

Refuse to make any plans with him from now on 'what's the point you'll just cancel' and then have a serious think about whether you should be staying with someone who seems to have very little regard for your feelings.

GrapesAndCheese · 01/03/2019 07:16

How long have you been with him OP?

I wouldn't like to live like this, never being able to look forward to something in case the rug is pulled just before.

Have you spoken to him before about it?

pictish · 01/03/2019 07:17

If everything centres on him, his needs, his whims, how he feels, what he wants to do with little regard for you, then I’m afraid you’re onto a loser with this guy.
His health condition is not a licence to expect your own way on everything without a thought for anyone else.
If you feel like he’s pushing to see how much you’ll bend to his will then listen to your instinct and gtfo.

echt · 01/03/2019 07:20

Your OP sounds like you don't live with him. Is this the case?

echt · 01/03/2019 07:22

Are your children with him?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/03/2019 07:23

Make your own plans. Stop accommodating him. It sounds shit.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 01/03/2019 07:25

I’m sorry to hear that you can’t go. We’ll see you later in the day

Exactly. You are a grown woman, and you need to be making your own plans for yourself and your children. Supporting him would mean being understanding if he doesnt feel up to it, not letting him treat you like a puppet.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 01/03/2019 07:26

I had an ex like this. It kept me off centre and unstable. If I was doing something for myself he would arrange something to prevent me. I left in the end but it was all about control and gas lighting with him.

LizzieSiddal · 01/03/2019 07:28

Is the reason he changed plans to do with his health condition? EG is he in pain, knows he will be for couple of days, so cancels?

Ruru8thestars · 01/03/2019 07:37

So sorry you can’t make it but am sure we’ll have fun anyway!

ReanimatedSGB · 01/03/2019 07:53

Is the health conditiion one of those non-specific, unpredictable things like fibro or lupus? While these are real conditions, and horrible to live with as it genuinely can be difficult to know whether you will be well enough to keep plans you have made, they are also ideally suited to self-diagnoses by manipulative, selfish dickheads.

It might be worth having one final talk with this man, if he has other merits - that you understand he might not feel well enough to do something or other, but it's better to make plans on the basis that you and DC still get to do the thing rather than disappoint them. If he's resistant to that, then this is not so much illness, more a matter of ensuring that he is the centre of the universe and you and DC are utterly dependent on his whims.

If you're not sure, have a think about whether there is a pattern of events just hapening to get cancelled if you have been disobedient, or unwilling to drop your knickers or something.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 01/03/2019 07:55

I diagnose he has Twatism.....

Nothinglefttochoose · 01/03/2019 07:55

He’s a chronic flake. There is nothing worse. Get rid ohms him.

Jamiefraserskilt · 01/03/2019 08:34

If you manage your own time then you will feel in control.
If plans are cancelled and rebooked for another day, make yourself unavailable and busy on that day. If plans to see family are cancelled, go anyway. There may be sulks but he will get the message. Stop being available whenever he decides today is the day.
He has to realise his presence is not the "be all" of your life and that you are more than capable and willing to crack on without him if needs be.

Flip