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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect too much too soon??

26 replies

sunnyblueskies · 28/02/2019 21:18

Good evening!

My boyfriend and I have known each other for 10 years together for 7 months. He broke things off just after NYE because he didn’t feel a “deep love” for me. I was devastated. I thought we had such a good thing, he’s like my soul mate. What also devastated me was the fact my 4y/o DD had taken a big liking to him. I just felt we were made for each other. We stayed in contact though it killed me.
He begged me back about 4 weeks ago saying he wanted to make a go of things and he deeply regretted his decision. He says he loves me but it’s not a deep love and he hopes to get to feeling the same way I do. To not have the same love reciprocated kills me. He sees a future with us, house, children etc. I feel utterly heartbroken to be honest. I commend his honesty but surely you should know this after 7 months? I’m madly in love with him and he can’t guarantee he will be head over heels. (His words) but he wants to give it a good go.

AIBU to expect too much too soon?

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 28/02/2019 21:21

I wouldn't give him a second chance. Certainly not when your DD is there to be considered.

He's had his chance and he admits he doesn't love you as he should. That's no foundation for a healthy successful relationship.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 28/02/2019 21:21

I wouldn't and in future hold off introducing men to your daughter, 7 months is no time at all

NameChangeNugget · 28/02/2019 21:22

Couple of things here.
Firstly, he sounds like a bit of a head fuck. His motives sound suspicious to me.
Secondly, to answer your question YABU. Yes you’ve known him quite a while but, only 7 months as a boyfriend. You’re still going to be in the lust stage. Expecting a declaration of undivided love is bonkers.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/02/2019 21:25

I'm not sure what this man actually wants, but it doesn't sound like it's going to be of any benefit for you. He seems to be telling you not to expect much from him - but you had better make all the effort to give him a nice life (house, babies... which probably means you are to provide unlimited cooking and cleaning, sex when he fancies it and all the childcare) in return for which he will 'try to love you'.

Don't bother. There are other men out there.

Original poster
sunnyblueskies · 28/02/2019 21:26

Sugar, I should’ve added. We are back together. When he asked me 4 weeks ago I took him back.

OP posts:
PutyourtoponTrevor · 28/02/2019 21:27

Well done OP, see you in a few weeks

AlwaysCheddar · 28/02/2019 21:31

Prepare to get your heart broken. Be prepared to break your dd heart.

OKBobble · 28/02/2019 21:37

I hope you realise that although you are not Miss Right you are Miss Right Now. He will be off once he finds Miss Right.

Please don't think his feelings will gwt deeper . You should be in that honeymoon period now. At least he is being honest with you and this is what he will say when he does leave again.

Floralhousecoat · 28/02/2019 21:39

It's the perfect excuse to keep his options open. Get rid, op. He WILL hurt you.

formerbabe · 28/02/2019 21:43

It sounds like he has a romanticized view of relationships and love which is not realistic.

mamato3lads · 28/02/2019 21:46

That would make me feel insecure and miserable tbh but that's just me. I think he's a bit of an arsehole to say it to you. Doesn't bode well I reckon you'll get hurt unfortunately. X

Original poster
sunnyblueskies · 28/02/2019 22:22

So guys do you not think 7 months is still easy days do be deeply madly in love

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 28/02/2019 22:32

This is mad after 7 months. He hopes to get where you are!!??
Either you’re totally suffocating or he’s a total flake.
I imagine it’s somewhere in the middle. But clearly you aren’t suited

Your idea of soulmate is clearly not true. Soulmates don’t feel one sided about it

pocketdelia · 28/02/2019 22:41

So you're saying that after 5 months he dumped you.. it doesn't sound good OP.

Excuse me, but who on earth says "I'm not in love with you but I can picture a future together as a family..."?? I'll tell you the answer for nothing: someone who wants you to hang around and give him sex, food, laundry services and a home until he finds a better option.

You have yourself and your child to consider. I don't think you should tolerate this crap.

HennyPennyHorror · 28/02/2019 22:51

7 months is plenty of time for an adult to decide if they want to commit to someone...especially someone with a child. It takes a special sort of immaturity to run off and then come back when a child's involved.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/02/2019 22:58

He’s not going to give you what you want or need and you shouldn’t be heartbroken this soon into a relationship - 7 months in is hearts and flowers and breathless shagging and romance time! Not heartache and break ups and big talk about commitment and plans. Take a step back OP.

showmewhatyougot · 28/02/2019 23:13

7 months is long enough to know, especially if you have known them 10 years.

Sounds like you may be his back up, when he broke up with you before, he probably went with another woman & that didn't work out so he came crawling back.

You wouldn't be asking to get back with someone unless you really did make a huge mistake and the time apart made you realize just how much you loved and missed them, but that's not the case.

Original poster
sunnyblueskies · 28/02/2019 23:15

Showmewhatyougot

I know he didn’t go to another woman. I saw him most days. He said he missed me so much and regretted every day and made a big mistake x

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 28/02/2019 23:27

I don’t understand
It doesn’t make sense
He’s still telling you he doesn’t love you but would like to?

Seriously. Stop speaking to him. Have a break.
Nothing should be this hard after 7 months
On top of the fact you’ve know him for 10 years

Meandwinealone · 28/02/2019 23:28

And literally the only thing you’ve picked up on here is someone saying another woman.
Everything else ignored

You sound unsuitable at best and a bit Hmm

HennyPennyHorror · 01/03/2019 00:35

I think the fact that you know one another so well has clouded things.

I'd drop him.

swingofthings · 01/03/2019 05:55

It is how it is. You can't force the intensity of your love for someone, just observe how you feel. There clearly reasons why he loves you but doesn't feel that deep love. The dilemma is that you cannot forsee whether the love you feel will grow or not, you can only decide whether it is worth trying to find out and whether you could be happy in a relationship with the level of love currently felt.

He was honest with you do that you had the option to not risk getting very hurt if indeed his feelings don't intensify or he confirms that he can't be happy with how he loves you. It is fairer than pretending that he does love deeply when he doesn't.

So really it is up to you, are you prepared to wait and see, taking the risk that your feelings become even deeper having no confirmation that his are too? Risking falling more in love with him when he gradually realises that it really never happen for him and he dumps you again?

It could happen and I've known it too when the person unsure does grow the deep feeling of love they were worried wasn't there before. This is usually when their doubts were held by their fear of commitment rather than the feelings they had for their partner due to factors that they can't change.

Sadly it often doesn't get better either and if you show your insecurities now and therefore become more emotionally needy, it is likely to only make him more questioning his love than make him grow more in love, so it's really tough and no one can tell you what is the right thing to do.

AJPTaylor · 01/03/2019 06:07

Sorry. What he meant was that you are not the one. He then realised that in the absence of anything else maybe you will do.
Examine your self esteem. Consider the message you are sending to your daughter.

showmewhatyougot · 01/03/2019 09:40

I appear to have hit a nerve sorry. But Just because you "saw him most days" does not mean he didn't I'm afraid. It's amazing what people can get done in even 15 minutes if they really want too...

What your saying isn't adding up, you broke up for nearly 2 months, and you saw him most of them days. He told you it was a mistake, and that he regretted it the whole time you were not together? But he isn't in love with you? And took another few weeks to actually ask you to be back together.

He honestly sounds like a child, your a toy he's keeping you on the shelf until he finds "the one". And then when this happens he won't have to feel bad about hurting you, because he already said he wasn't feeling it.

Really think about this, imagine if your child or mother or anyone you care about was in your position, what would you tell them?

FullOfJellyBeans · 01/03/2019 10:02

My gut reaction is there's something a bit unhealthy about this relationship. You've only been a couple for 7 months yet you seem to be expecting quite a large commitment from him marriage, babies and houses? - even your DD is attached. It doesn't sound like this relationship is mutual - perhaps you've projected a fantasy on him to a certain extent. I think you should let things cool down rather than hang around waiting to see whether or not he decides he can match your feelings.

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