AIBU to think I've left it all too late?

[Skylucy]

I'm a SAHP of two children, aged 2, and 4 months. I'm happily married to a lovely man. The thing is, I turned 35 last week, and have been fighting a wave of depression every since. I feel like an utter, pathetic failure. I have no career, and no skills. I feel like I've wasted my "best years", and cannot stop comparing myself to more successful peers (particularly fellow graduates from a prestigious university). I had a career in marketing before giving it up 2 years ago to look after the children - I can't really go back after so much time off (I'm very out of touch already!). I feel like I had all the opportunities in the world to build a good career, or travel, or learn skills etc., but I just bumbled along in a daydream.

Basically, I've had my babies and am thinking about the future, but aside from them (and don't get me wrong, they're glorious), it feels very sad and empty. How can I shake off this self pity?? Anyone out there door something fabulous a bit later in life?

You really need to stop comparing yourself to others. Instead of asking what do they have that I don’t? Ask what do I want? Do you actually want a career in the first place? You don’t have to have one. Lots of people don’t. I wouldn’t given the option. Then you have to decide what kind you want. Do you want to go back into marketing? Do you want to retrain? Do you want to run your own business? Stop looking at others and trying to catch up. They are on their own trajectories and you need to find your own.

When I was 35 my exH had just left me wit a 5yo and a 3yo and I was jobless! (I too had given up my career to be a SAHM). I got a job, then retrained at 37, qualified at 38 and I’m now in a new career!

My DC are a bit older than yours though. Right now just enjoy your babies! You have every excuse to be at home right now and plenty of time to retrain or go back to work.

On my deathbed, I know i will never regret not getting to the top of my career. Or indeed, far off the bottom.
However, I find being a SAHP quite lonely and boring on a day to day basis. (I wonder if this is mostly because I'm also a widow? No adult comes home at 6 o'clock for company or to share family jobs.)
We both need a different balance- I do my (limited) socialising in the day, an exercise class, I've done voluntary work in the past, done reading in school, had very part time jobs etc. That kind of thing is helpful for a bit of stimulation and satisfaction and it is too easy to drift along filling your day with innocuous activities like housework and everyone else's errands.... On balance, I'll keep lonely and boring over stressed and busy but neither is brilliant!

There are some really kind, constructive comments here, thanks so much. Yes @MollysLips, spot on! I've made a new mum friend a couple of years younger than me who's an architect and managed to redesign an amazing house on mat leave and is now setting up on her own before her youngest is 1. I was ruminating on this when my university college's quarterly magazine dropped through the door, and I stupidly read it, sigh. And then a lovely friend just announced she has a book deal off the back of a very successful blog/Instagram combo. On a good day I'm genuinely thrilled. Today I feel dreadfully inadequate! Comparison is the thief of joy eh? I guess the knowledge that I'll be "out of the game" for so much longer is really hitting home. You're very kind about how I've managed to nab myself a lovely family - believe me, it's far more luck than judgement, but I am extremely grateful.

I'll look into online learning, and have a chat with DH about what I could do and how. Basically, I need some time, but this is hard to come by with two tiny kids. Thanks so much for the link and childcare info @MaverickSnoopy. I think I only qualify for 15 hours' nursery care, but I'm looking forward to it!

Best of luck to you @TwitterLovesMAPS.

Yikes, time to ditch those clever friends and surround yourself with losers!

Another thing I've learned in my long life (I'm only 12 years older than you, but still) is that people peak at different times. So you've seen 3 of your friends having a peak now, and you're in a natural post-birth dip, so you feel the distance between you is particularly massive.

But later on, your DC will be at school and you'll be back in your career stride, while your architect friend will accidentally spank all her money on Foxy Bingo and your other friend will do an ill-advised Instagram collaboration with Peter Andre, and they'll be down and you'll be up. It all evens out.

I was one of those early achievers, with a TV show and a book at 28, and now 20 years on, I'm, er, posting on MN while my "quieter" friends are all selling their London flats for £1.5mill. It's a rollercoaster!

@MollysLips you sound utterly fabulous. And you've definitely distracted me from my self-pity party! Thanks!

Thank you for posting this, I could have written it myself and following with interest. I just wanted to say you’re not the only one floundering at the moment and I understand where you’re coming from.
Some really fantastic replies on here.

Thanks @Asgoodasarest. Best of luck to you, it's a disconcerting time.