To ask him not to tell me about his exes pregnancy

[OhhBugger]

Me and DH have been TTC for some time now. I have fertility issues in my family which have affected me and we're currently being seen by the hospital. I don't know whether we will ever have a child and I've been struggling a lot with that prospect.

DH has a child with his ex. There's no problem there, she's a nice woman and we get on fine. His DC is a great kid and we have a lovely relationship.

As I said above, I've been struggling more so than usual recently with the idea that this may never happen for us. I am heartbroken and we are exhausted from it all, hospital trips, recurring miscarriages etc... have all been taking a toll on us both and especially my mental state.

Because of this I fully suspect I am being unreasonable however, whenever I talk to DH about worrying how it will never happen he regularly proceeds to tell me how his ex felt that way too, they had problems as well and it took her a long time to get pregnant etc... Now I know he's trying to give me hope and he's using his own experiences to do that but I can't help but just not want to hear about it. We are facing the real possibility that we may never share a child together and I have struggled with knowing that he has that with another woman.

I know I'm being over sensitive, I knew he had a child when we got together (and none of these thoughts ever occurred to me until these problems started) and it's absolutely nothing to do with his DC, they are fantastic and I really enjoy them staying with us but I want to ask him to stop telling me this information about his ex. It may never work out that way for me and despite me being over sensitive and probably a bit petty, it really hurts knowing we may never have that.

Would I be unreasonable to ask him (and I mean gently!) to perhaps not discuss his exes pregnancy and what they went through together with me? I can't explain it properly but I just really don't want to know.

For me that would be reasonable.

Does he have people he can talk to about his own feelings about this rather than offload (and compare) it all with you?

Yes he does, there are other people if he needed to i.e. his brother and friends. I think it's more in an effort to give me hope (because I do lose it regularly). It's not that he needs to talk about what happened with his ex, it's offered as a 'well x went through this and we still had DC so don't give up, it's not easy for everyone' iyswim.

He's extremely strong and I do try and suss out whether he's okay/needs to talk about anything but he always says his main concern is me and that he is okay so long as I am. He's quite a glass half full kind of person though so he's not feeling quite as hopeless as I am I don't think.

It's silly because if he was telling me this story about a friend and not his ex it probably would make me feel a bit better.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this

I expect that from his point of view, he's trying to offer hope and reassurance, and he has personal experience of that which would usually be the most convincing type. I'd be much more likely to believe a story my friend told me about herself, rather than a "Friend of a friend" type...

But it's not unreasonable that you don't want to think about her pregnancy, and if it would help you not to hear about it, I think you should talk to him and ask him if he could try not to keep referring back to it. You may want to offer reassurances both that you appreciate he was trying to be helpful, and that conversation about his DC is still fine, so that everyone is clear.

Does he know exactly how hard you are finding this? It might be a good time to share that with him.

I expect that from his point of view, he's trying to offer hope and reassurance, and he has personal experience of that which would usually be the most convincing type

Yes this is definitely what he's trying to do and I do understand why he thinks it's helpful with him having actual experience of it! I don't know exactly why but I just really hate thinking about it/hearing about it.

As you say, it's absolutely nothing to do with him speaking about his actual DC, I really love how much he adores them and how much of a good father he is. I guess that's why I'm slightly reluctant to say anything as I'd hate to make him feel guilty or as though his having DC hurts me further if that makes sense? When him having DC really isn't the issue.

Thing is it’s not just his ex pregnancy it’s how his child come in to this world, so to him it’s a nice thing and all those memories have been brought back. Also because his done this before he is doing it to be reassuring, it comes from a good place.

I can’t really see why it bothers you to be honest and I do think it’s being over sensitive but if it bothers you that much, just have a chat with him-simple!

I understand his child being born is a nice thing. But that isn't what he's talking about. It's not the same as me being pregnant and him reminiscing fondly about when his first child was born.

This situation isn't a nice thing, nor is what his ex went through to have their child of course. Despite their similarities, our situations are completely different (as in two totally different conditions with different symptoms and outcomes i.e. she couldn't get pregnant whereas I do but miscarry). To me I don't feel the comparison is helpful because there's no guarantee it will work out the same way. Add that to the fact I already feel completely useless and pathetic due to my body failing me in this way, I just can't stand hearing about it.

It may sound daft (and it is really) but I already feel inferior due to the fact I may never be able to have his child and I guess deep down that's why I don't want to know about it. It's not nice for me to admit that I'm jealous but there you go, I suppose I am!

Well I'm going against the grain here. I can fully understand why you don't want to hear about his experiences with his ex. They're not relevant to you. You're going through your own experiences and are facing the prospect of not having the positive outcome his ex had.

I think he's being tactless and thoughtless to expect you to take hope from what happened to another woman.

I had several miscarriages and a still birth before I had my DCs. I can categorically state that if my then husband had had a child with someone else before me I would not have wanted to hear about how things had been or how they had work out for them, whilst I was going through all my own difficulties.

I can completely understand what you are saying. And if he is as nice and caring as you say, then he should understand too.

I would feel the same as you. It's quite a complex set of emotions to truly articulate but I think you make it quite clear that this has nothing to do with his child and how you feel about them, and given that, I would possibly show him this thread? You come across as very caring and respectful of his history.

I think one aspect of it may be that not only does it stress that he 'has what you do not' in terms of experience, which with the best will in the world is hard to keep being reminded of given your circumstances, but also it kind of underlines that you are in a sense alone in this in your relationship - yes, you're going through it together, but it's not the same for him - as he isn't facing the worry that he may never have a child of his own. And his 'jollying along' only serves to rub in that he doesn't really get that fear, and you feel as if he is downplaying it (even though he is trying to help).

Maybe tell him that?

i am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish you all the best of luck for a successful pregnancy

I think one aspect of it may be that not only does it stress that he 'has what you do not' in terms of experience, which with the best will in the world is hard to keep being reminded of given your circumstances, but also it kind of underlines that you are in a sense alone in this in your relationship - yes, you're going through it together, but it's not the same for him - as he isn't facing the worry that he may never have a child of his own

Yes, I definitely feel like this sometimes. I have actually told him this before. I've told him that I'm worried he will get to a point where he wants to stop because it isn't worth the hassle anymore especially because he has a child already and so won't want to keep going though this whereas if I were to give up, I wouldn't have that. He assures me he won't and tells me he wants a family with me etc ...

You're right, it's really difficult to put into words all these thoughts going on! I'm always so conscious not to come across as though I am speaking negatively about the fact he has a child. Inside it does kill me that he has a child with someone else when we may never, I can't help that. But it doesn't change the fact that I really do love his DC and wouldn't want them out of my life even if I had the option! It's so hard to explain!

You're right in that it does make me feel just that extra bit lonely in the whole thing.

pigsDOfly sorry to hear what you went through!

I'm glad it's not just me then at least though!

OhhBugger Thank you for the flowers.

It's hard when you're going through this sort of thing. I really hope things work out for you.

My dp hasn't and didn't mention his exes pregnancy with me when we were having lo! I would of shut it done anyway, every pregnancy is different for a women, my 1st 2nd and 3rd had a few similarities but where different, let alone a different women.

mayathebeealldaylong thanks, I guess it's just not as clear cut to me what's reasonable and what isn't given the circumstances. It's not that I'm having a baby and he's talking about when his first was born. I guess it's not really to do with his DC being born at all but more so regarding the 'conception' of his child and how his ex struggled as I am to have them.

It's all just a bit weird hearing about it and not something I feel I really need or want to know!

Fully understand your point, I would feel the same. I had two missed miscarriages with DP before we had our DS and if he’d ever had another DC I really couldn’t have coped hearing about that pregnancy etc. I struggled enough seeing other pregnant women in the street ffs. People seriously underestimate how much miscarriages and fertility issues affect your mental health. I completely understand and I would definitely ask him to kindly stop, he won’t realise it’s upsetting you otherwise.