I’ve NC for this. Bit of a long one, but I’m feeling so sad at the moment. If ve had a difficult few years. In summary, both parents died and for about 18months after my DM’s death, I was responsible for my DFs care. He didn’t live locally. My world was turned upside down as although I arranged for carers for some of the time, I had to visit several times a week, was responsible for his finances, healthcare, most of day to day shopping, and anything that went wrong. I also had to deal with my DMs probate.
I have youngish children, one was in this time diagnosed with a learning difficulty . I had no time to really help him as much as I could. I am a SAHM but with my DFs care and a two hour school run, as well as all the telephone calls re DF and his DR, the constant list of “things that needed to be done”, I became utterly exhausted, stressed and, looking back was teetering on breakdown. I sobbed out of frustration and anger just about every day. My DH was practically a single parent at the weekend which was horrid. I’d adopted a rescue dog as well, prior to DMs illness which turned out to have issues which meant my previous therapeutic dog walks with existing dog became stressful too.
Due to lack of time, I cancelled medical appointments for certain tests. Ultimately I had to have an exploratory op and cancer was found. I had to arrange last minute nursing home for my DF before my op as the recovery time meant I would not be able to drive. Literally from the moment I came woozily round, my DB was texting me about arranging 24 hr home care for DF. A few weeks later soon as I could move I was on the phone sorting his care. As soon as I could walk, I got a taxi to DFs house to clean a room out for a carer, even though I had an infection from the operation.
Up to this point my DB had been worse than no help, was abusive to me when my DH begged him to help, for reasons I cannot fathom even now, and created further problems for me by sabotaging any small task I asked him to do. From this point, he became civil, but still no help. We are on civil terms now and he is acting as though nothing has happened. I think he regrets his behaviour, but I can’t really forgive his hate filled emails, accusations of lying, refusal to help and obstructive behaviour even though I feel I need to. All at a time when I felt every day I couldn’t cope.
I’ve been hugely lucky in that, fingers crossed, they removed the cancer and thus far I am clear, but I needed a further major op and several unpleasant procedures, and tests. My DF died and then I was solely responsible for upkeep, repair of house until sale, as well as sale, probate for my DF.
The effect of their deaths has been huge. I feel that life has become waiting for death. I feel my body has betrayed me. I’m terrified of dying and the DCs not having a DM. I was with both DM and DF just before death in hospital and there were harrowing moments. Everything seems pointless. Even when I have a moment of happiness, it makes me sad because i know it will all end.
Now, in all this, Ive had a few friends who have been very helpful, and I am so grateful. But I have others who practically ignored me in this period. Someone I thought a good friend merely sent one text about 2 weeks after finding out my DM had died. I had no time for meet ups anymore and explained why but no phone calls, no texts? I had been very supportive to this friend when she was going through a hard time previously.
Previously two of my neighbours had been unwell on separate occasions. To help, Id cooked meals for them and their children, done shopping, laundry, dog sat and child sat. But during all this time that I was desperately stressed, I got absolutely no help from either. One actually asked if there was anything she could do and I asked her if she could check with me if she was going shopping, as my DF would frequently decide he needed something, and this would save me time. Nothing. I even bumped into her once in the supermarket as I was on my way to DF and in desperate rush to get back in time for school run.
Old friends who I no longer lived near sent the odd text, but did not phone. I have never in my life felt so lonely, so close to despair.
My DH has been very supportive and done what he could. I am lucky there. But although a couple my more recent friends have been lovely, I feel so disappointed in older friends.
What has triggered this is that I found myself for the last few weeks on the phone, meeting up with and supporting one friend through a crisis concerning something which most people would find quite trivial (I don’t, so I understand) but it occurred to me that I had no in person or even telephone conversation with her over either of my parents’ deaths, over my dads care, or my health (she never even asked why I was in hospital and still does not know...). I feel that for this to happen, it must be me, it must mean that I inspire little love or even like. I am not a needy person, but for those few years, I really did need people! I can’t understand why people think it’s OK to send a text, but not to talk, to phone to want to listen to me, to help. I’ve always had a rule with friends. If something big happens, you need to speak. Am IBU to feel that these friends have let me down? How do I get past it? I keep trying to put all behind me, but it comes back again and again. Sorry for rant. I just needed to get this off my chest.