Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Friend always has to have it worse than me

23 replies

Bluebele · 27/02/2019 21:45

So we've been close friends for a couple years now, majority of the time we get on really well and she's lovely however we have these moments where I'll mention a problem I have and she more or less tells me it's nothing compared to what she's going through/has been through. I'm always very supportive towards her, I'm there when she has a problem however this isn't always returned. A conversation we had the other day has really been bothering me, I was talking about my grandfather being really ill and to be honest I expected some comfort from her and instead she told me I was lucky because he was alive and she never met her grandparents so I should be grateful for the time I have with him. I told her that I was and I was worried about him. I was leaving then anyway so the conversation ended. I wasn't sure if she'd even noticed that she had upset me and it turns out she hadn't as she casually text me earlier like nothing had happened. I don't understand her behaviour sometimes

OP posts:

Fluffyears · 27/02/2019 22:04

Elevenerife...,,if you’re off to Tenerife she has to gomobe better. She possibly doesn’t even realise she’s doing it. I had a friend like this as school:
Me:my dad’s job is quite physically demanding he gets really knackered.nd:well my dad’s job is absolute physical torture every day!

Me: I have a bit of a sore throat!
Friend: my head fell off
That ones a joke but wasalways similar.

PersonaNonGarter · 27/02/2019 22:06

Two options

get a thicker skin and decide not to let it bother you
pull back from the friendship a bit so you are less fussed about her reactions to things

ssd · 27/02/2019 22:08

Sometimes our friends can be a bit annoying, maybe a bit of time apart is needed now

cushioncuddle · 27/02/2019 22:08

Some people are just like that. You just have to accept them how they are and choose who you go to for comfort or support.
She is probably totally unaware that she's doing it.

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2019 22:20

I was talking about my grandfather being really ill and to be honest I expected some comfort from her and instead she told me I was lucky because he was alive and she never met her grandparents so I should be grateful for the time I have with him.

That sounds to me like a clumsy way of trying to comfort you.

Missmother · 28/02/2019 04:06

I call these people the one uppers

ChasedByBees · 28/02/2019 04:09

You could speak with her about it? She may not realise she’s doing it.

Nothinglefttochoose · 28/02/2019 05:11

She’s a self centred “one upper “ can’t stand these types!

Imacliche · 28/02/2019 05:13

Sorry about your granddad.
I like to call these people story toppers.
They mean well i think on some way they are trying to comfort you, and find common ground. They just do it in an annoying fashion.

SinkGirl · 28/02/2019 05:27

I’ve met quite a few people like this - essentially their way of empathising with you is saying they’ve been through something similar / worse. It’s not usually oneupmanship even though it feels that way - it’s usually their way of making connections and trying to empathise with you.

I’m not sure this would qualify since she it sounds like she’s telling you to stop, but actually I think it’s a very clumsy attempt to bond over shared pain.

Monty27 · 28/02/2019 05:32

I think she's probably trying to be comforting. Showing empathy.
Yea a bit of space might be required

stopitandtidyupp · 28/02/2019 06:55

How long have you been friends?

I usually find these type of people have poor listening skills too.

Birdsgottafly · 28/02/2019 07:03

"They mean well i think on some way they are trying to comfort you, and find common ground."

I agree with that, because I used to do it.

We are taught how to communicate and react to other people. If your Parents aren't good at it, it'll take you a while to get out the habit, but some never do.

The best thing I did was take a Counselling Course, as in learning to counsel. Before it, I was a 'positive spin' person, because I'd always been told to get over everything and not address my feelings (that would have bought up my Parents faults).

So I didn't address and acknowledge the feelings of others, I'd say something like your friend did.

I'd use my stuff to bond, because my Mother made everything about her. I thought that's what you did.

Likewise I wasn't taught to listen. Listening is a skill.

swingofthings · 28/02/2019 07:15

It's all about balance. A good friend wil show empathy towards friends who struggle with a situation even if they feel they have it better than them.

At the same time, a good friend consider the circumstances the other is under before moaning about a, situation when the other is dealing with much worse.

Not easy to find the right middle sometimes it's often gut feeling. There are moans I'd have with a particular friend I wouldn't have with another for that reason.

On this instance, your friend should definitely have expressed sympathy.

malmi · 28/02/2019 07:26

I've got a friend who is much worse than this. You don't know how lucky you are.

Magenta82 · 28/02/2019 07:36

I agree with @Birdsgottafly

She may mean well but not realise she is doing it.

I have a friend who used to do this. She in her head she was self sacrificing and lived her life to please others, however, to us it looked like she made everything about her and came across as self absorbed and self centred.

How is your relationship otherwise? If it is good I would suggest picking your moment and having a conversation along the lines of: "When people tell you their problems it is generally better not to talk about yourself; when you do this it makes you look self absorbed and I know you are not".

Hamandcrispsandwich · 28/02/2019 07:47

Also had a friend like this.

Her: Oh, are you ok? you look unwell?
Me: I'm absolutely fine, just a bit of a sore throat.
Her: Last time I had a sore throat, I spent 15 days in hospital on a drip and IV antibiotics with severe tonsillitis and i've got 3 kids. You don't have kids, so be grateful you have nobody to worry about and you don't have to stay in hospital stressing about your kids.

Is there any chance you could discuss it with her?
For me, I couldn't as she isn't someone who listens and takes offence easily.

Bubba1234 · 28/02/2019 07:54

The friend I have like that I got to the stage where iv stopped saying anything about me just talks about herself for the whole time.
I do be less inclined to talk to her cos it’s annoying so I can’t be bothered making the effort I actually fell out with her at one point..
But now I be a friend if there is a crisis or nice event I’m there but i do go months without without contact cos nothing will have changed it’s just every conversation is about her ex and it is just the same thing repeated for years.
Sometimes you would just love a fun happy go lucky friend that you know when you meet it’s just a laugh not annoying ppl lol

Ohjustboreoff · 28/02/2019 08:03

I have a friend like this, let's call her Janet! If you've had one shit she's had two.
We call her twoshitsJanet!

PocketFluff · 28/02/2019 08:04

I had a friend like this with illness, anything I had she had it worse. At the same time. When I got pneumonia I phoned her to let her know as we were supposed to be going out that night. I was secretly amused about what she was going to say, she surely couldn't top it?! Well, she tried. She'd had an awful cough and sore throat, really, really bad, she was really worried. She was fine.

nellieellie · 28/02/2019 08:24

I think close friends should be able to make you feel better if you are having a hard time - even if just by listening. I have friends who I know will not be interested, or will say something that adds to the upset, by being so insensitive - like your friend’s remark about your grandad. I compartmentalise these friends, accept that if I see them, I just need to surrender to the role of listener. But it does hurt when you realise that they don’t really seem to care.

Original poster

Bluebele · 28/02/2019 10:32

Usually when we see eachother it's in a group with 2 other women, I do see them one on one as well though, she's always been the hardest to get on with. The other two are very easy going and I'm more likely to go to them for advice and comfort but I will sometimes speak her about it. She really seems to be telling me to get over it which is what I need sometimes but there's situations like my grandad where that isn't so helpful. I don't know if she just has a problem with me as i've never heard her say anything like that to them. She just seems to snap at me out of no where though for the most part we get on well

OP posts:

sagradafamiliar · 28/02/2019 10:56

Maybe she thought you were being insensitive since she has no living grandparents? Or maybe she's a 'positive spin' person and it came off wrong? Possibly was trying to empathise? Or maybe you lean on her a lot with problems and she's trying to let you know she's just no good with that type of thing.
If you have other friends for support, then I'd just accept her as she is. Different friends offer different qualities.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread