To not be able to forgive MiL after her comments after miscarriage?

[pregmedic]

We had an early miscarriage 4 months ago, we’d told a lot of people beforehand as if was my first pregnancy and had no reason to expect anything to go wrong.

My issue is around my partner’s mum. Her reaction to finding out I was pregnant was dreadful-her first words were ‘oh no’ and then started ranting about how would I finish my course blah blah. Anyway I miscarried about a week after we told her and she didn’t really react apart from saying she hoped I was okay, a bit unemotional but fine I guess.

My problem is that very shortly after this my partner and her argued because she didn’t want to watch her other grandkids on a visit planned (his sister’s kids). This was fine and my partner said he was going to watch them so she was free to travel home that day. She took great offence to this though for some reason (despite moaning about how looking after them for a couple of hours was an inconvenience to her travel plans and he was providing a solution).

Her response to this was to venomously say ‘Well if you have any kids I don’t want to have anything to do with looking after them’. This argument luckily didn’t happen in front of me as it was less than a week after and I was extremely fragile. Now I’m just angry.

She also visited in the weeks following the miscarriage, she never even asked once if I was okay or showed any sort of consideration or comfort. I was going to work, barely surviving the day emotionally and then as soon as i was home just wanted to relax and zone out. She would constantly talk to me about random stuff like Brexit and antiques and then snap at me if I didn’t seem interested and make me feel bad when I was already emotionally spent. Also when I was looking after nieces and nephews she’d be constantly speaking to me and then sigh heavily and literally tap me and if she felt I wasn’t given her enough attention because I was attending to young children.

I am pregnant again and all looking good and reaching the end of the first trimester. My partner has only just told his mum, I wasn’t even really ready for him too but we agreed, and showed her a scan and she said congratulations and sent me her love through him.

I just still feel bitter about it even though she’s now being nice. AIBU ? Should I just bury the hatchet? Or am I reasonable to feel like this?

Thanks

Idk how old your mil is. Maybe she’s a product of her generation. Women often didn’t know they were pregnant for some time. Miscarriage wasn’t treated very seriously unless close to term. And even then.... And we didn’t talk about our emotions.

Exhuatedmuch
I’d deffo say this is the case with your mil. Telling you to look after this one was because women did think they were responsible for doing or not doing something rather than nature taking its course.

Honestly? You’re looking for offence here when I don’t think there’s any to take

She was talking to you about random things. Maybe she thought she was distracting you, carrying on with everyday life? Different people approach emotional things in different ways. I’m a bit like your MiL, I wouldn’t have mentioned it to you either

I'm with @PotteringAlong

Forgot to actually answer your post - yes, you do need to get over it and bury the hatchet.

At the time she didn't ask you about your miscarriage, it sounds like you were already pregnant again from the dates you mention. You can't be offended at her about this forever.

You're going to have this woman in your life for many decades to come. Pick your battles.

I'm sorry that you lost your first pregnancy OP. Some MILs just react in weird ways. After a few years of TTC I finally got pregnant. It would have been PILs first DGC, and they were quite excited, but were distracted by organising my SILs wedding. When I went for my 12wk scan I found out I'd had a MMC. A couple of days after I'd had it removed, my DH picked up my MIL, as he was taking her for a make up practice session near us. She walked into my lounge and was taken aback by all the cards and flowers I'd received. She'd come empty handed, but I hadn't really expected her to bring anything. It would have been best if she'd left it like that, but after the make up lesson she returned with a small bunch of straggly flowers which had most obviously been bought quickly at the local garage. It felt like a complete afterthought and a bit of an insult, but she was far too preoccupied with the wedding to be able to lend me any emotional support. A week later she expected me to drive her 20 miles to her DDs hen night meal (and back afterwards). I used the excuse of not being well enough to attend to get out of going as I didn't feel like doing her any favours.

Good luck with your new pregnancy .

My ex mil was rather like this. When I first fell pregnant her reaction was “you do make a habit of this” (I was a single mum when I met her son). I then miscarried, and could have died from the haemorrhage. Understandably the recovery, physically and emotionally was tough, and I never had a word of support from her. When I fell pregnant again she wasn’t interested or supportive again either. Nor has she been an involved granny. She was telling me who she was; I should have listened. I have to say, it was one of the things that put a very real strain on our marriage.

This may be a generation thing. I'm a grandmother and had 3 of my 4 DC pre-pill. My mother and my MIL always took the line that a pregnancy was something to commiserate about - probably an unfortunate accident. In their day birth control wasn't respectable. Self-denial was!

My MIL told me that women would go to the chemist and ask for "a packet of 'Thank Gods' ie sanitary towels.

I'm not suggesting your MIL is that old OP, but she may be old fashioned.

On a positive note, you know where you stand ito baby sitting in the future.
I think she was being thoughtless or even just a different person to you, I don't think she was malicious when asking about your course.
Only you know the context though, so it's hard to say.
I could just keep my distance, nothing too obvious and see what transpires, whilst being on your guard.
Don't involve her with scan pictures and baby stuff, wait and see if she wants to be involved.

I agree with the PP that think she is old fashioned in her thinking about these things. When and where I was growing up, miscarriage was seen as nature’s way in a ‘something must have been wrong with the baby’ kind of way. I’m sure women grieved behind closed doors but it was very much expected that women would be chin up and carry on in public.

"she might have quite reasonably felt it was okay to talk about normal things and not dwell on your loss."

It's always, always wise to check how someone is feeling about this and to let them know you're there if they want to talk, and that you'll STFU if they don't. The person at the heart of the loss and their style of dealing with it needs to be at the centre of the response, not whatever strange old-fashioned hangups others have.

I don't see why OP has to put up and shut up with this, either. She's entitled to reduce her contact with the woman if she doesn't like her.

I’m not sure why she reacted the way she did but it does seem a bit cold. Have you been worth your partner long? If not could that be a reason? Are you very young? Another possible reason maybe?

The bit about not looking after your children seems harsh, does your partners sibling put on her or something?

Try and relax, she’s sent you her love through DP so that’s a start, focus on yourself and the baby. Hope everything goes smoothly for you OP

Maybe there was something going on in the background with her that you weren't aware of? She seemed a bit out of proportion.

If she likes the more formal approach and the scan picture seems to have gone ok, I would go along with that. She will probably warm up.

Yabu in my opinion, you seem to be wanting mil to say things she doesn’t mean so as to placate you.
She is the gm of your future children, but she doesn’t have to offer any childcare.

Get over it and I hope you have your own baby soon. I know how much it hurts to want that baby.

I think I would try and move on with MIL, but I certainly wouldn't be forgetting how she has reacted and what she has said. Some things you just can't forget, can you? When I moved in with then DP, my DM turned to me and said 'well if you're planning on having DC don't be expecting me to look after them. I've done my bit'. Ah, lovely. Like you said, it wasn't just what she said, but the way she said it, as though she was trying to shock/hurt me. I have 2 DC and true to her word, she does sod all … although bizarrely she's always telling her friends how much she dotes on the DC, and all she does for me. TBH I don't really want her looking after them, she's a bit toxic.

Chillpizza- what an odd thing to say. So if a friend had a baby you wouldn't congratulate them if the baby was born vaginally? Because that's none of your business? What if it was a c section, would you be allowed to comment then?
Op- I am so sorry for your loss, you MIL sounds thoughtless.