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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what do you do when your husband is in a terrible mood?

55 replies

Waterbottle1999 · 27/02/2019 07:48

My DH's computer broke, he had built it himself and was so upset when it died. He's been walking around the house dejected all day and nothing I can say or do helps so, what do you do when your OH is right down in the dumps?

OP posts:
GlossyTaco · 27/02/2019 09:20

Make him a cup of tea , give him some space , and in your situation I'd start a conversation about what his options are to fix his PC to help him decide his next steps.

However , If his mood was dragging everybody else down then I'd tell him how unfair that was and to snap out of it.

championquartz · 27/02/2019 09:21

What do I do?
Rightly or wrongly I just let him at it.

LemonTT · 27/02/2019 09:22

Mine needs hugs and cuddles most of the time. When he is in the right place then I can give some practical advice. Me, I’m the opposite I need solutions first emotion second. You know him better to tell what will work.

We are all entitled to feelings even if they appear to be based on trivia to others. We are not entitled to behave badly as a result of the feelings. There is no suggestion he is and I don’t see how PPs get sulking and taking it out on others from the OPs description. She said he was dejected after spending time on a project that has failed. That’s ok. Give him time, love and advice in whatever order that works.

JaceLancs · 27/02/2019 09:23

Brew and a hug
Might have a conversation to explore options to resolve whatever the situation is
Sometimes DP might say he doesn’t want to talk about whatever it is and I respect that choice

elQuintoConyo · 27/02/2019 09:30

Steak and a bj. I'm not some kind of monster!

jinglewithbellson · 27/02/2019 09:37

Give him a big kiss 💋

amusedbush · 27/02/2019 09:41

I ask if he's okay or if he wants to talk about whatever is bothering him. If he says no and just wants to sulk then I leave him to it. If he doesn't want my help then he can "keep it 'til it's better", as my mum would say. I don't pander.

TheInvestigator · 27/02/2019 10:16

What’s with all the horrible comments just because he’s upset over a computer?
If that computer was his thing, then he’s allowed to be upset/annoyed that it broke. Just because all you people commenting wouldn’t care about a computer doesn’t mean there arent other stupid things you do care about.

I had a blueberry bush in my garden which I loved, looked after, brought with me every time I moved. My neighbour killed it (by accident, she was working at the other side of the fence and knocked over a big bottle of something which poured under the fence and into the soil around my plants.., including my blueberry bush). It died. I was really upset. I know lots of people wouldn’t care and lots of people would say I was being stupid/pathetic. But that’s because it wasn’t important to them, but that didn’t diminish my feelings.

I worked the phones for childline; we’d get called by kids upset when their favourite band split up. We couldn’t tell them they were being stupid. The motto was “if it’s important to them then it is important”. Doesn’t matter what you think about it.

There will be something in all your houses that you are attached too but that no one else cares about. If it broke, you’d be upset and no one else would be... would you be happy to be told you were being stupid?

As long as he isn’t taking his mood out on other people, then he’s not doing anything wrong. Let him have his sulk and then he can fix it later.

higgyhog · 27/02/2019 10:19

I was deeply upset last week because my sewing machine broke down, I know it is silly bu;t these things sometimes get to us.

ShartGoblin · 27/02/2019 10:34

There will be something in all your houses that you are attached too but that no one else cares about. If it broke, you’d be upset and no one else would be... would you be happy to be told you were being stupid?

Oh gosh, I hope my comments didn't come across that way. I was looking it from a cheer him up by fixing it perspective. My DP doesn't really do emotions, he's a problem solver so for him help is ideas on how to fix the issue. I'm the opposite, I can think of my own ideas, I'd just like a hug!

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/02/2019 10:38

If he were throwing that kind of a sulk over the death of a computer, though, he'd be sharply told to grow the fuck up. It's not just a computer, though, is it? It's something he's created. I can quite understand why he'd be upset, and I'd offer a hug and a cup of coffee, as I would if his cat had died. Then leave him to come to terms with it in his own way.

When my beloved camera died, I was upset, especially as the only alternative offering the features I wanted was beyond my budget. DH hugged me, then left me alone. And 3 months later I opened my Christmas present to find the "out of budget" replacement. I'm not suggesting you do the same re computer - they're too personal, impossible for someone else to get the spec right.

adaline · 27/02/2019 10:38

I'd give him a cuddle and a cup of tea and see if there was anything I could do to help.

adaline · 27/02/2019 10:40

If he were throwing that kind of a sulk over the death of a computer, though, he'd be sharply told to grow the fuck up.

Why don't you think a broken possession is something you're allowed to be upset about? When my cat accidentally broke my expensive laptop of course I was upset - it was a) expensive to fix and b) meant I lost quite a few of my things.

It's totally normal to be upset about a broken object that's had a lot of work put into it.

downcasteyes · 27/02/2019 10:44

"If that computer was his thing, then he’s allowed to be upset/annoyed that it broke."

The difference between this situation and working for childline is that he is a grown man, not a child. You expect children to have disproportionate emotional reactions to things. My friend's two year old had a full-on meltdown yesterday because it was time to go home and we put away some cushions he was playing with 'breaking' the 'fort' we had built. I would not expect a grown up to respond in the same way, however, because I would expect them to have developed the (highly attractive) traits of resilience and self-control. We need less male whining and moping and a lot more of the kind of qualities celebrated in If by Kipling. THEN you'll be a man, my son.

downcasteyes · 27/02/2019 10:45

"Why don't you think a broken possession is something you're allowed to be upset about?"

Because I've lost everything but the clothes on my back twice in my life, and therefore have the knowledge that objects are really not that important in the grand scheme of things that can go wrong in life.

cantbearsed1 · 27/02/2019 10:47

Why do you have to do anything? Leave him to get over it. I would have opened a bottle of wine and got on with reading my book.

Iggly · 27/02/2019 10:48

He’s a grown up and it’s hardly as if he’s lost a relative. It’s a computer?? Unless he’s lost data - well if he built it himself he’ll know he can stick the hard drive in a new PC (I built my own PC a few years ago).

What’s he really sulking about....

adaline · 27/02/2019 10:48

Because I've lost everything but the clothes on my back twice in my life, and therefore have the knowledge that objects are really not that important in the grand scheme of things that can go wrong in life.

But just because you've lost everything doesn't mean he's not allowed to be upset about this. Of course in the grand scheme of things it's not important but OP says it's only been a day! I think he's allowed to be upset/pissed off for a while.

TheInvestigator · 27/02/2019 10:49

Downcasteyes, that’s the second example you’ve jumped too and I only included to explain the phrase “if it’s important to them then it is important” and it is not up to anyone else to say “I think that’s stupid so you’re being stupid for being upset”

What about my first example. I cried over a plant. My kids looked at me like I was insane, but nobody told me I was being stupid. The let me be upset. Where I’m sitting right now, I can see my favourite vase. If it broke today, I’d be upset and would probably come across as sulking.

There was a thread on here a while ago where someone asked if they were being unreasonable about being upset because their favourite coffee mug had broken, they said they were actually really upset by it and everyone came on and said they were not being unreasonable and it’s totally fine to be upset because it was important to her.

This is the same. You might think a computer doesn’t matter, but that has nothing to do with how he feels about it.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 27/02/2019 10:49

Give him chance to talk if he wants to.

If he doesn't avoid him give him space.

TheFaerieQueene · 27/02/2019 10:51

Why do your feel it is your job to manage your husband’s mood? If he is acting like a child, leave him to it.

Slippershoes · 27/02/2019 10:53

Cuddle and a coffee, that goes for both of us. If I'm really down in the dumps he'll get me a kinder egg Blush and a cuddle.

RB68 · 27/02/2019 10:55

If he built it himself surely he can sort it out. MAybe its just encouraging him to work out which part is the issue and get it replaced. I would do the cuppa tea and probably cake or chocolate of some sort then ask "innocent" questions like which bit is it that is the problem, is that an expensive bit, where could you get something like that from then etc.

DH was in a snit as DD spilt goop water (she had been melting chewing gum casing in water I mean wtf) on her laptop. She did a few things herself to sort (as it turns out the right things - immediate blot and flip) but keys were sticking etc so we found her a keyboard to plug in and it worked fine so left it like that for a few months, but then we started discussing christmas and she wanted a new laptop as sep keyboard was a pain etc. I just said - well if its just the keyboard can you replace that part? (DH is a computer tech ffs) turned out we could do that - it cost 30 quid and he could replace the part no problem with all his antistat kit etc. I have no idea why he didn't do it sooner to be honest

AguerosAngel · 27/02/2019 11:00

It diepends, my DH has a fairly short fuse (not with me or DS but if something isn’t working correctly etc) if he’s tanting I just ignore him.

If it’s to do with work or he’s worried about something then we make the time to sit down with a glass of wine and we talk it through.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/02/2019 11:02

It’s not your fault is it? I’d probably do nothing in your shoes tbh OP, maybe a sympathetic “that’s shit” and then keep out of his way.

DH doesn’t do “bad moods” thankfully, occasionally he will be stressed and a bit short because of something to do with work but he’s quick to apologise and realise he’s been a bit off.