to ask what my responsibility is to this woman?

[Snuffalo]

There is a woman we will call Annie who has just moved to the area and she's been at our local pub a few times over the last few weeks, at first she was really funny and likeable, seemed great. We exchanged numbers and were sending jokey texts every few days, all signs pointed to us being on the way to becoming good friends, though it was still early days.

As of last weekend, she started sending really concerning messages about how her depression is kicking in and how she's thinking about getting in touch with her abusive ex - I was taken aback with the change in her messages, but I engaged, I asked if she had access to mental health care, encouraged her not to contact the ex, etc. She was extremely repetitive and needy and just didn't take anything on board that I was saying, and the whole thing was making me uncomfortable, so I started replying once a day or so instead of to every message - and then a couple of nights ago she sent me a message that she was 'finished, not like anyone will care'. So I went over to her flat and made sure she didn't have a specific plan or equipment at hand for suicide and then patted her back for two hours while she cried and finally went to sleep.

She was quiet yesterday, but today the sad, needy messages have started again (20 so far today but no thank you for coming over and sitting with her) and I am not comfortable with this at all. I want her to be OK but this is not a role I'm willing to take on. Does this make me a terrible person? How do I disengage without making her depression worse? I'm not experienced at all with this sort of thing so advice is appreciated.

Block her. It sounds like you've befriended someone with borderline personality disorder. I do feel for people like that but she sounds troublesome.

I think tell her she needs to see the GP and you cannot help her until she does this.

Ah fuck
I hate it when this happens

The kindest thing is to say something like you need help , but more than I can provide as a relatively new friend . I wish you the best but I can’t handle this level of messages and stress as it making me stressed .

Lay some firm lines then keep an eye on her . That’s what I would do but I am soft

It looks like a couple of you have been through similar before. Can I ask what the reaction was like if you cut the person off, gently or otherwise, especially if it was someone you still ran into on a regular basis (she lives on the next street and is on her way to becoming a 'regular' at our local).

From her point of view, she is clearly very very ill and going through a bad period. Being in a new area may have triggered this to some extent

For a person with MH issues, 99% of friends will run for the hills when the shit hits the fan of what it is really like. It is devastating for them and can make things far worse. They end up very very ill, and very very lonely.

She won't thank you - she is too absorbed in her own pain to even have that on her radar that you are expecting thanks. It is not down to ignorance

But on the flip side, it is draining, to take this on (for you) - and I am not saying you should. I am not sure I could - for someone I don't know too well.

but I do have a bit of insight into what it is like to be Annie, as I have a relative in a similar situation to her. My relative has a lot of social media contacts who post ''mental health awareness'' posts and ''listen to a friend with depression'' and the like, but when my relative is seriously unwell, they have no one to call on. It is all lipservice and most people cannot or will not deal with it. My relative came off social media due to the fakeness of it all

If you do plan to disengage , I think the only thing you owe her is to do it gently and slowly - like you already seem to be doing

As she is new to the area, she may not know where the local MH services are, or even be signed up to a GP. I think, before leaving her to it, you could guide her to those services - make sure she gets help, therapy and medication

It really is a toughie - and I hope that helps, i just wanted to give some insight into what Annies day to day life may be like

@flimbo1212 that's really interesting/sad/helpful, thank you. I feel incredibly guilty about stepping away and I have tried to guide the discussions towards accessing mental health care, but I know that it's not as easy as all that (referrals can take ages, the specific care she needs may not be available, etc) and even if it were easy, she doesn't want to talk about it. I feel overwhelmed by the messages she sends and I'm already sort of an anxious person and I'm scared of saying the wrong thing. I hope it doesn't seem like I don't care, because I do, but I'm not sure I would be able to handle this level of neediness from my own sister, much less someone I have known for a month.

You cant help people like her
I had a friend like this. She used me as a free counselling service and so I blocked her. I asked her to get help as I had too much going on. Next thing I'm being slagged off on her Facebook instead of her replying to me personally. Block, delete and move on. Or you'll End up being dragged down to her level

@Snuffalo -

yes you need to look after your own mental health too, thats mega important - and that is the crux - trying to help someone with their mental health can adversely effect your own. It is a fine line I guess

Referrals do take ages, but I would hope that she had a care package in place before, so ''should'' get seemlessly transferred to a new team, rather than the wait - that is, if she was getting the correct help at her old address. Worst case scenario there will be a crisis team in place who can be called on

You don't come across as you don't care, far from it. Far from it

I think you come across as pretty insightful tbf, some of the things you have said, about the night you went over to her flat to check she didn't have a ''specific plan in place'' - those are the kind of things to be looking out for if a person is suicidal.

Asking someone out right if they have a plan - is not a bad thing, you are not putting the idea in their head iyswim

Should you ever find yourself in this awful situation again, there are some bits of helpful advice in the below link at the bottom of this post - I have researched this stuff thoroughly for a few years now in my quest to be better understanding of when such situations arise *and recognise the warning signs.

Things you can do:-
-Go round and try to listen...but you are not a professional or really know her that well to understand her diagnosis('s)
-Suggest she ring the samaritans
-Suggest try the website Elefriends- very friendly online community of MH sufferers all chatting live

• Contact her GP, and register your concern

If you are really worried for her safety you can
-Take her to a&e
-If you don't want to be there in person, you can ring an ambulance

I say all this as worst case scenario, we don't know her diagnois, and the relative of mine who I speak of, has four different MH issues ongoing for years - so I may well be going OTT with this information, but it is meant in the best / kindest possible way

If you need to back away, for your own sake, do so. But if she does contact you hysterical, you can help from a distance by calling the emergency services

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/supporting-someone-who-feels-suicidal/how-to-help/#.XHW7moj7TIU

You cant help people like her .I had a friend like this. She used me as a free counselling service and so I blocked her

MH issues are a serious illness...and it is attitudes like that, which make folk less able to come forward and admit - therefore compounding the problem for years until depression turns into something far worse

I have BPD but absolutely would never drag someone down like this. You need to tell her that her texts/conversation topics are affecting your mental health and that you need her to stop putting so much onto you. I like to talk about my feelings (but not all the time nor about suicide or anything drastic) so maybe encourage her to tell her GP or parents how she feels? Good luck, she shouldn't be treating you like this.

If you receive a message threatening or implying suicide again then I would call an ambulance.

She needs help. As good a friend as you are, it's not something you can give fully. Tell her you are out of your depth and to visit her GP.

Former boundaries and being selective in responding is a good first step. Seek help if she escalates things.

Good luck, OP.

Not your problem