To ask you how to respond to my manager?

[Stickladylove88]

A couple of weeks ago my manager mentioned that there would be training coming up after work and that she'd let me know when. Didn't hear anymore until I went to work yesterday and another colleague casually mentioned that the training was happening that very afternoon. I was surprised and slightly mortified as it's an important course and now I couldn't go as I couldn't get a childminder at such short notice. My colleague was surprised I didn't know. It's not the first time I've been left out of the loop (I'm part time and it's a continuous issue) and I felt a bit annoyed. However, I politely explained to my manager I didn't know it was that day and wouldn't be able to go and could I have some written info instead. She said that was fine.

Then I got home last night to find a snotty text message from her saying that she knows that she did tell me when it was and accused me of trying to make her look bad in front of other staff when I'd obviously just forgotten. I was shocked and upset.

I am so sure she didn't tell me when it was because if she had I would immediately have thought that I would need childcare, I would not have forgotten that. There is no text or email from her confirming the date and time either. It's horrible being accused like that on a text message, I haven't responded to her yet but I don't know what to say. I'm known for being an easy going non-confrontational person so I'm hurt she thinks I would deliberately make her look bad. I'm also annoyed that she has done something so unprofessional even though I've tried to stay polite and professional.

How do I reply without jeopardising my job?

Tricky.
Perhaps say that you have no recollection of this and in future could arrangements be made by email.
Say it was not your intention to make her look bad.
I would not apologize though, as you did nothing wrong.

I'd turn it around and pretend I misread the text/sentiment:

"I appreciate how busy you are and im sure everyone else does. In future if dates for training are confirmed and I'm not in I don't mind if you want to text me the date so I can arrange childcare as I have to sort it in advance. Thanks "

When you're back in, can you ask your colleagues when they were told about it? If they were all informed at the same time, on a day you weren't in, then you can email your manager afterwards saying "you told us on X date that there would be training and times would follow. Then, on X date you informed the office but as you know, I don't work on that day and I wasn't included by email or text, and no further discussions where had". Then maybe point out that this is a recurring issue so you'd like to schedule a meeting to discuss how communication will work going forward. If you have an HR department then CC them into the email and quote her text message in the main body of the email.

Then I got home last night to find a snotty text message from her

So they can text you snotty messages (which aren't really helpful) but not useful stuff like times/dates of training ?

Hmm. To keep the peace I'd just apologise and say that there must have been some miscommunication somewhere and ask for all future events to be sent over by email.

My boss always emails so there is a paper trail to cover her own back, as well as adding the event to her team members calendars in the email. Seems sensible.

I would maybe ask if you can discuss when back at work (rather than over text). It’s normally better to have these chats face to face as people can hide behind texts and sound snottier than they mean to. Also she shouldn't be bothering you outside your hours for this, it's not an emergency.

Don't apologise or mention miscommunication op, that could be read as you admitting you've made a mistake and managers like this would absolutely chuck that at you in future if there are any similar issues. IME - I've had shady managers do this sort of thing - where the employee has been gracious - when building a case for managing someone out (not saying that's what's happening here/now but you never know what the future holds)

I would ask for some time with her, and explain that there's no record she has ever told me; that she knows me and knows I would have prioritised this had I known; pointed out that there have been previous instances of being excluded; and suggest a way for future messages to make sure things are passed on. I wouldn't reply by text or email, too easy to misinterpret and get into an argument.

she knows she didn't tell you! If she specifically remembered telling you then she would remember when/where she did so, who else was there, etc. and would have mentioned it, e.g. I told you when we in the lift last Tuesday, or, remember I brought it up in Monday's team meeting. It's impossible to definitely remember something happened but no other details about it! She's just trying to cover her back. You could reply something like:

"I would never want to make you look bad but I have no recollection of ever being told the date. As I've previously mentioned, this is not the first time I've felt out of the loop due to being part time, so to avoid this in the future can you text or email me confirming times and dates for events booked when I am not present?"

If you wanted to be really passive aggressive you could add something thing like
"I know x company is supportive of flexible working (if they are) so know they would never want to penalise part time workers" in the middle.

Agree do not apologise!

Ive had similar with a manager; I keep all communication and when she questioned why I hadn't completed a task (copying my senior manager in) I simply forwarded the email from said senior manager with what I had done so far and asking for her input and to return to me. Within five minutes I had the rest of the task back and was able to complete it. Funny that!!
Managers like this are awful. I'm lucky that. Have secured a new role within my office and no longer report to this manager which I am so relieved with as she is such a bitch

Don't apologise and just make sure you keep all communication in future so you have proof to fall back on.

I would also check when and how your colleague was told the date. It could something as simple as being told in a meeting you didn't attend or a mailing list you aren't on. If this turns out to be the case, then you can correct your Manager and get it fixed. In the nicest way of course. And do it in private.

Or could you reply by email to say that you are confused, as you have no record of her informing you about the training dates. You then aren't actually accusing her of lying, but are putting the onus on her to prove that she told you

Ask her to forward you the email that was confirming the training as you have nothing in your inbox and that you are upset to having missed in.

Check with colleagues when they were told about it

Repeat to your manager (in person - not in text!) that you have no recollection of being told about the training date, can they confirm when they did tell you?

As a suggestion for future things I would ask that she sends you a meeting request which goes into your work calendar then there can be no ambiguity of details or you not knowing. If she sends a meeting invite to everyone involved then everyone gets the same info at the same time.

Were you really shocked and upset? If so, I'd consider ending you career asap.

Assuming this is hyperbole, I'd reply to her message and cc in her line manager mentioning that you'd have liked to attend the PD but weren't invited.

Surely this is an obvious solution.

I might say I understand that you feel, whatever, or even, I'm sorry that you feel whatever. I was not given the date for the training....

I don’t think I could let it go and would have to say ‘i’m afraid i definitely didn’t receive that info - when and how did you share it?’

Then the how gives the opening to ask for it via email in future.

Reiterate that you did discuss the training but no date was given

And no further texts

"I apologise if you feel you were made to look bad, that certainly was not my intention.
Unfortunately I can't find any communication from you regarding the training such as a meeting request. Could you possibly forward your original message on to me? As we've discussed, I have previously felt out of the loop because of working part time so I'm keen to identify how this went wrong so we can ensure our systems are as robust as possible."

I'd text back "I'm very sorry if there's been a misunderstanding here X. My intention most certainly is never to cause you awkwardness in front of colleagues. I am very disappointed not to be attending this, can quickly chat in the morning to figure where our wires might have got crossed - just 5 mins?" Thank you.

I wouldn’t say anything at the moment and sleep in it before acting.

In the meantime I’d also check discretely with your colleagues to see if they were informed on the same day and if you were in the office.

If you are going to say anything I’d do it face to face. I’d apologise for the misunderstand, explain that you may have not heard her correctly, when she said it and that once you’d known the date, you’d have immediately booked childcare. However, and this is the tricky part, I’d pick her up on the tone of her text message. I’d inform her that you found it quite aggressive and it upset you, and that you’re sure she didn’t mean it that way, but to avoid any further confusion and upset, maybe she could consider addressing these things face to face in the future and then follow up with an email.

Once you’ve had this conversation with her, follow it up with the content of the conversation and any points or agreements raised

Actually my approach is way too grovelly.....prefer @Horaces line....if you're 100% confident you didn't screw up though.

Thanks all, will try and get to talk to her face to face when I feel less angry. Thank you for all your advice.

I've had a manager pull stunts like this. It's hard but it's best to not let them get to you. Always stay calm, never apologise for something you haven't done, ask for things in writing. I'd sometimes email after a verbal instruction saying "as per our conversation, just confirming the details", that way they couldn't come back a week after and say they'd given completely different details. good luck OP.